November untitled

Here goes, I spent $75 dollars on a mobile game i didn’t need to because I have been in depression deep and I could have just played my playstation, I could have spent that on my playstation plus account. I took a gamble and lost and that hurt.

Mostly I have just been in the dregs trying to figure out how to make my life feel better and it doesn’t. I want to commit suicide, almost everyday, and I never thought my life would be so out of control, but it is. I feel like I just don’t have control over my own life or feelings any more.

I want to have sex with my counselor so bad I cry at night, even though he is a type cast of men I never got to have an intimate relationship with because they were straight and, never available, and neither is he. It hurts anyway, always has after all of these years.

I often wonder why I have been always afraid to write down what I feel, I guess it’s because people get you to a point where you can’t trust them, you can’t trust what you say to them because I’m wrong move and it’s evidence against your entire state of being.

I have so many things stacked on me, my emotions, skin color, sexuality, beliefs, social status and I wonder if it ever gets better. I wonder if I can ever get to a true state of acceptance?

I just feel judged and judge myself because I don’t know how to cope with either choice I make, knowing full well that the pieces just won’t fit, no matter how hard I force them to, they just won’t.

So at times I feel that if I just die I can make the madness in my life go away. I don’t have to hide out, I don’t have to deal with hiv, sexual addiction, depression, loneliness, any of this garbage because I will just be dead and it will be the end of it.

Everyday feels like I am catching up from my childhood to my adulthood, that I am still just as stupid now as I was back then.

I want a better life and I know I don’t have it, even though I need it. I want my counselor to have sex with me even though I know he won’t dare, and it leaves me cold and empty and rejected inside, while everybody is moving ahead I am slowly dying inside, just dying.

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The end of 2016

There are things that have happened this year things I don’t want to take into the next year. You should always have a game plan and do your best to stick to it. For 2017 I don’t want to deal with love or go looking for it, I want to save money, travel and have some relative peace. 

With many discussions with my therapist I decided that love needs to be way off of the table, if I can’t get who I want, move along and away from the want. Here is to 2017.

Living my Truth: The desire of men

Where to begin…

There is always a coming out story a context to the history, I was one of those children who knew to much for being young, things I wanted to understand. It’s that very journey that led me to ask such questions as, why aren’t men exposed in the same context as women? Why I felt more than the usual need to share a bed with another guy when I was younger and it wasn’t looked at in a bad context that it would be today. 

Your eyes open…

To the possibility where I started to connect the dots of where my life was going and how to protect myself in situations that I never understood could cause problems for others, if the fact I like guys came out. When I look at my coming out years down the road, it was nearly traumatic for me and embarrassing because I was pretty much got into a situation to where I got myself outs and then my family knew my business, that was not fun, I did not feel empowered, I may not have been kicked out but I had never felt more exposed in my life then at that moment, I felt like I had done something wrong, and with the fighting between my parents I wasn’t supposed to tell my mother but I did anyway, cause you know…lying and all, that still haunts me, that I lived life like that, to be molded by darkness.

Sex is always…

A welcomed part of discussion, I never get enough of it, reading about it, talking about it viewing it, participating in it. Yet I want to be complete in that monogamous setting, I may be a man but I daydream what I feel to be the most thought provoking sexual scenarios. There is something about closing my eyes and just setting my body temp on high making every erotic touch and every captivating taste trigger a person, it’s not just about me, I want you to want me because I can do and keep learning to do things sexual, that is really shallow and there is more to that, I maybe an adult but there are days I feel emotionally abused, so it’s easy to give parts of me that I don’t feel sacred anymore, I should and I want to feel sacred, I am still working on connecting all of the lines of my life.

Men…

When I think men I have a type, but I have to be careful, more for myself than my therapist, he is not aware that years back there was a therapist that was working at my job and I was really attracted to him, we talked he was white tall bald married and had kids, there was just something about him being so emotionally put together emotionally secure in himself that I could not fight what I felt for him, eventually he left and I always felt horrible for it, even if I had nothing to do with him leaving he did and it broke me, it hurt for a good long while, not being able to see him, a man who in my opinion was a gladiator who could conquer and save, and I have wanted to be conquered and saved by him. Since that time it has changed and to a degree I have felt this same way about others, but I had to be to fulfill the roll.

That’s why with my current therapist I don’t want him to feel that I have projected some of those same feelings in his direction it’s a weird thing I do, I guess looking for opportunity, and to add on that list I have a problem with vulnerability more than I should be and it’s hard to know what to let go of.

Now things are…

Mixed up in my hiv univers which is another layer to everything who will give me a shot and will I get twisted up into so much jaded insecurities that I drive people away? How I wish I was a child all over again wishing to grow up all over again, and missing some of the simple things in life, like being a child, growing up. I grew up all wrong and way to fast, I try not tire out to change that and make things better to not be attracted to seductive dangerous things. Worst of all I like how it makes me feel how comfortable I am with it. So what do I do? How can I rise above it and make my way successful?

World Aids Day 2016

Here is what I am thankful for on World Aids Day…The continued amazement and support of people around the world, people I have never met in person but are family just the same, because our goal is to see a reduction of infection, influx of education and one day the elimination of hiv/aids.

That advocate or not we do our best to make a difference and show people we not only exist but we are still fighting to make all of the sacrifices that came before us mean something. That it’s not that we have forgotten, but we are moving with the times. Making sure no more newly diagnosed individuals have to  tell stories of having hiv on their doorstep and being left wondering what’s next. That support systems exist and that our fight for equality is for everyone’s benefit. To keep us in the light and not be allowed to be pushed into darkness, so I am thankful to all of the hands that I know and don’t know who make it possible to live one more day head held up high.

It’s a Sunday¬†

So I am taking it slow with guy, and in the midst of doing this I am discovering why I am not dating or marriage material at time or maybe for the rest of my life. My life has had this function in depression vibe and also he is putting me in a head space to where he wants me to help him with his career, by asking me who is looking for a personal trainer. For me I have barely been speaking to people let alone the facebook ones too, I am just not in their lives like that. 

Also I should not have told him that his feelings for me were more than one sided on his end, I just don’t know what to do with him and it just doesn’t feel right, even though I said let’s take it slow. What I really wanted was time to myself to figure my life out, and still it backfires in my face. If it’s not men it boundaries with men, it’s not wanting to be alone, not connecting with really anything anymore and feeling terrible about it, and always wondering why it’s me. Wondering how much time I have left on this planet feeling like I am slipping away still and not caring. There has to be more, there has to be something I can do to be better I just don’t know how to get there yet. To not feel sad, every time I am with my the people who share my faith and feel so wrong about my life and what I have done with it and continue to struggle to feel out of place, to feel so confused and constantly in the wrong. Feeling closed in with no way out, my body feel tired from failed moments in my life and I am starting another year feeling that same way, I am turning 33 soon and wondering if I have crawled out of that box yet. I don’t think that matters anymore, I just feel speechless at this point. Some days I just don’t think I am going to make it anymore.

October 17,2016

Half a week I spent going over the email that my therapist sent me, more people on my facebook who out of nowhere have couple pictures on their profile. I look at them and still wonder what am I doing? Am I that far gone, am I so taken by my sexual addiction that I may never find real love?

People are not seeing the struggle, they don’t even recognize it, it’s not just about the fact that, wow I don’t go a month without having sex, and people don’t realize that’s the most hurtful and damaging part about it, I don’t love any of them, that’s not what they are there for, and it’s a real struggle because at some point you want to love and be honest and open as possible. Yet for me and my experience every time I look at me or think about talking to someone, the impulse to add sex is under my breath the whole time and it’s unnerving.

It’s a situation to where two people are there to climax and leave, the most emotionally damaging way to meet, it keeps me from thriving, it keeps me from believing in myself and not a whole lot of people realize how that feels. To want to be safe and know that your not.

I want to live, I want to be free and I want to save myself, like it or not it hurts all of the time and I want to say no every time and all of the time, I just live in fear of this is as good as it gets or what I deserve and I don’t want that to be all that I am, wrapped up in so much loose sex that I forget to fall in love, to cultivate it. To feel safe in my own skin without giving in.

To just have some respect for myself and call the shots for once, I have to be celibate for my own mental health, cause I am not a victim I am an addict and that is a hard word to say at times, and this has been a part of me since puberty, I just did not understand what it was and how it played in my life. How life events played and manifested in my addiction. And it feels good having days of not having sex. The only way to feel that security is to start loving me and that’s hard too, but I need to come to peace with who I am and how I have lived my life.

It’s always easier to hate things about yourself and it’s easier to get people to hate them with you, it’s harder to look and smile and walk tall, and just not care, yet we have to bring out our own good, how else do we attract better things for ourselves, by loving ourselves to the fullest and not asking or waiting for others to do it because that’s not life or being realistic.

I am an sex addict and my goal is to be one month clean and just take it from there, I used to be ten years clean before I knew I had a problem and I would love to get back to that place, I also accept that I love sex in general it doesn’t matter who, but I would love to find my soul mate even more.

October is here

I want to make this month have some good meaning to my life, I want to make myself better and that is really easier said than done, I had an anime music video night in Tucson with a group and that was fun, I am working on being more open, sometimes I just don’t because of the fact that, its hard to think people of my faith will accept knowing they have a gay man in their presence so usually I am quiet, speak very little participate to a small degree, but usually I am a one on one type of person, I feel that I have to gauge my audience and yes that means I miss out on a lot and that my personality doesn’t shine through very much.

Its not frustrating as hell, and it feels like I live in a glass closet, I can be seen and easily forgotten, and I have lived my life like that and I feel that it is really harming the hell out of me. There are times I really hate writing about myself and having to be front and center and my real flaws all exposed. People and family don’t understand why I am grumpy and mean all of the time. You would be grumpy if you could not exist in a way you would like, date who you want, love who you want, and be surrounded by people who can and do and are unapologetic about it. It hurts in ways people do not get or understand. I live my life like a glory hole, sucking that dick with a wall or a sheet in between myself and the other person, not because its exciting but because of fear.

I did that once with a white guy who I have seen him, but he is so scared and so insistent on don’t take picture or video, it has to be discreet and always lurks out of corners, not realizing that I have already seen his face, knows where he lives and all I would have to do is catch him outside of his place and get a picture If I wanted to, its that damn easy, but I like most men in society know are fragile, intimidated, ashamed, and one touch away from breaking.

I have felt like a lying hypocrite because I like men, in an almost unapologetic fashion, but to keep the peace in my life, I don’t live it to the full, I don’t think I can and I wholeheartedly resent and borderline hate people who do, there are days I have never been so unhappy to draw breathe and feel like I live paycheck to paycheck, just in the life narrative, I am always one day away from going in my opinion, catatonic, or wanting to die. I wrote a letter to another guy apologizing for who I am and being worthless and that he was better than me and deserved better and I ment every word of it to.

My goal is to work on being sex free and learning to say no and not feeling like I am missing out on life for not having sex.

Iamstilljosh does it again

This week I read a post from him linked to his twitter and he talked about why he quit asking hookups if it was OK that he was living with Hiv? When I read that it really resounded with me in an amazing way. For such a long time we happen to be at the mercy of public opinion and usually it has not been a good thing. When I sat down and read this genius I understood that, how long did we need to exist with people being able to control our happiness, and after a while you either give up or you work your situation to your benefit. New scientific information comes out almost all of the time and people are no more educated than they have been ten years ago, even five. I hate that even in a technological age people who have sex uneducated about all of the risks going in still judge those living with hiv who are educated in their health and how to have sex in a healthy way and people are still running scared, and rejecting those who have their lives together and have put the work in.

He helped me see that validation does not come from other people who just dont have a clue and think they exist in the clear, people are still having unprotected sex and continue to judge the sexual habits of those living with hiv, its just wrong. It wasn’t until I saw a firecracker of a question he asked, “Are you up-to-date and in the know about what undetectable means?” It put the light on, it is so simple and really puts the ball in the other person’s court, to me I saw it as how well do they really know whats going on out there and are they being responsible about there own sexual activity. To me that question did mean like he said, that you could keep your dignity and if they could not answer the question then what do you have to loose anymore, no one really has to feel humiliated, no one perpetuating stigma, and that we can transition to something better. That is what we really need, a transition to something worthwhile and a chance to be met on the same page as everyone else has, to meet on the front porch on equal footing, and smile with happiness to look at someone else and realize that they chose you and were happy to do so. So before thinking that living with hiv means you cant have happiness think again, cause those times are over.

What happened to peace?

That’s a good question, and I want to look at how that is effecting me and my viewpoints lately. I am afraid to read over my own blog posts because I feel that I am going to look crazy and quite mean spirited. I have just been feeling alone and I think that if we are not at peace with ourselves with who we are, we simply tend to lash out or possibly feel stuck. I feel that I want what others have been moving towards, unequivocally freedom. This open piece of mind that helps us move faster than the speed of light, to breathe deeper than you ever have before because you feel woke and the whole world is a possibility that you never though you would achieve so soon or early in life. Life has been this struggle I have been so desperate to win and I find I constantly scoff at the fact that mine is one of complications.

There is a fine line between wanting to be sought after and desired to being thoughtlessly objectified and fetishized. Do I want love or do I want a rolodex of men who I trusted my way though like some Greek war story. Honestly I came to so many facts in my life, that I don’t know how to talk to people, men especially and eye contact is hard for me, to look someone in their eyes and feel on equal footing. Sex does not require those skills, I possibly kiss if necessary and I just dive into it, trying to last as long as possible, and funny enough I want closeness that I won’t get from that person. So now I am some what celibate, no thinking of men, no porn, no, craigslist, no grindr, no jackd, no curiosity, just peace, just solitude, or want and it feels good, I don’t miss any of it, I don’t feel a want for Sex and this feeling is totally acceptable to me.

I don’t know if I just feel peace or I feel empty and dead inside, all I know is that in this moment I am not hurting for love or acceptance from a community that really doea not exist for me anymore, that sometimes waking up you realize that there are so many things that you can’t have because my reality has changed and it just does not fit in it anymore. I am glad that others have found love acceptance and happiness, I think I needed to find another way, I don’t see it as denial anymore, I have just seen and heard way to much from people just as woke as myself. Besides I want to be able to express myself more without feeling the need to indulge in the irritations of life that bother me. I just want to stay true to whoever I really feel I am inside and be at peace with that person inside and out.