Shown a better way

Prayer is not just an outlet, it’s also communicating, important communication to me. This morning I cam across an article from Mark S King, and it was a great article talking about the barriers about racism, taboo sex, living and hiv. For this who have heard of Mark King know he is a white gay man living with hiv, he talked to Charles Stephens founder of the Counter Narrative Project. 

This was a needed discussion and it shows why Mark S King is still in game when it comes to hiv advocacy, being a long time survivor with hiv, yet equipping gay white males with ways to ask the needed questions without alienating black men, and black gays in the community. 

The more I read, the more I enjoyed the interaction, I could see the genuine exchange and answers coming out from the point of view from a man of color that could not be denied. It was Mark S King’s tone of wanting to get to the bottom of bridging the gap of hiv in the community as a whole. I did not have to personally meet Mark King to respect him, he showed that as to how he handled himself as a humanitarian. It spoke volumes like a vast library. 

Mark came to understand more clearly the perspective of fetishism around black gay men. What it means and what it feels like from the perspective of a man of color. I could relate and it can be very disheartening to be judged and summed up by my skin color and erect penis size. It’s dehumanizing, and it’s not flattering or attractive, it’s sexist and needs to be classified as so, it may take time but I believe if I put it out there it will catch the right people.

I personally loved this piece, because it helped me remember that we all look for honest answers and it’s about finding the right people for the exchange. I detest having to argue with heavily ignorant white folk who equate racism to name calling, who lack even the basic understanding of what racism entails, and how it has effected Native, Black, Asian, Latinx, and Muslim communities. This flies over the head of those very people who feel Name calling is spreading racism when people are dying in record numbers to white people. Who ignore the clear evidence of wrongdoing, for their comfort.

I took comfort in what Mark S King presented, still I thank my God that I found it, because my anger on race related issues and injustices, has really hit me to my core, and I feel it has deteriorated my sense of needed compassion in these instances. I do well to not turn these needed talking points into ways to express hate.

The other unfortunate thing as well, is that intelligent men like Mark King end up in that black hole of bad white people who stir up trouble and keep ignorance going, so we need more people of the like mindset of Mark S King making their voices heard.

When Boomer Banks gets it right

Take a good look at this, take it in and meditate, Boomer who is a Latin man gay and a pornstar talked to huffington post about an issue that has been frowning in the gay community. Gay men as a whole need to see this and realize it’s a problem and work to fix it. It takes a man to realize thee is a problem and speak about it and not be complacent about it.

He is right when people who feel that way don’t belong at pride or in the community because they do not reflect what it stands for, yet can stand directly in the way of others from showing that love. The community should never be at war with itself, yet it is, so how can it fight for its rights as a whole…well we will see.

May 1st 2017

It’s a new month, I came from a Deadmau5 concert in LA at the Shrine. I went with a small group, it felt so good to be out of Arizona, it felt so good to do things with folks and not think about sex at all. It felt good to feel more of a person and less of an addict, like I had more self control than I gave myself credit for.

Even though when I was at the concert I wanted people to move in close and dance on me, I want to feel heat and flesh, so instead of that I danced until I felt heat and sweat and it was just as fulfilling.

Yet after hours of driving and being away for a weekend, my ex reminded me of how horny I get and I really do. I didn’t do anything and it still made me feel like I did something wrong, I felt as though I still needed male validation through sex and that was all that I was in a nutshell and it hurt, so when I jumped back into looking, my body shook like an alcoholic, I went from craigslist, to twitter taking in everything I could, and it felt bad. I get tired of being made to remember some of the things I don’t particularly like about about the gay lifestyle.

It just felt good to step back, and have three days without drama. Until this morning when I went and shaved so I could take pics to get sex, I didn’t do that, I just felt like I had to take a harder look at which direction I am going in.

4/25/2017

I want men to leave me the fuck alone, now I know what women have had to deal with. Men are the most problematic species on the face of the earth and at this point no matter how much dick I have sucked or men I have fucked I would rather date and marry a woman than deal with another man terrorizing my life with their bullshit.

I can’t believe that I would get asked a question as to why I want to suck a guys dick when you are the guy who put out the post to get your dick sucked in the first place, then ask me why. The reason is obvious when I replied. So then I have to tell this ass like I tell so many others that my mouth does the talking I am not hear to describe a blowjob, I didn’t come here for a date, so if your not interested don’t waste my time.

That is the common theme dealing with young men and men in general in the gay community and finally I just decided to get off the train that is one day going to derail. The reason why a majority of this situation is my fault because I let my addiction and my weak ass nature get into every situation with men. I am to smart, too good looking, to be asked basic ass questions from men who can show their penis but not their face. So when people wise up and expect more maybe they can get the relationships they want. Me, I don’t want anything further from men they have nothing to give to me, they have done more harm to my life than benefit from it, not including therapist. I am just done, done, done, done, thank you and have a great day.

All of my sins

See, men, sex, wanting it, and myself, have been my problems, I was find before I crossed the line back into porn, it lead to a lot of problems, today I paid for sex, sex that didn’t happen because I was stupid enough to pay upfront and trust a total stranger who went out of his way to take my money, send me on a wild goose chase and ignore my calls. 

This situation is all my fault and I am out of money because of it, I failed myself and though so little of who I am that I needed to be that person. Not only did it hurt, and yes I did report him, but that’s not the point I was so arrogant and naive, trusting and greedy that I put myself in a situation where someone stole money from me that’s hard to come by.

It makes me really want to be alone and stay as far away from men even more, cause I have a problem and the problem is me, it always has been and I am so embarrassed because it really made me look at myself in a way that I really didn’t thing I needed to keep on living, it’s like how could I have been so seriously stupid and reckless. 

Life is less and less about fun and games and it turns into more heart break, let down, regret, and more anger. I had to keep myself from wishing harm upon that person, because I should have just left all of it alone and that’s my lesson and it’s my sin and it’s my fault.

February 27, 2017

The last few days of February and I am was in my feelings. It has a lot to do with me messing with straightish men who for some reason can’t wait to tell you that they are hitting this new pussy everyday, and in the same sentence hit you up for sex and stand you up.

I am tired of that…So I don’t know what I said wrong last night because guys like this don’t give explanations, you just need to be the warm wet mouth on tap, and the ideology behind this, again is be thankful, granted it’s not said but it’s implied which is worse because we are not communicating, and your wasting my time. I let him know through text, at this point if I don’t hear from him anymore that’s fine because I barely do and it’s getting harder and harder to meet up.

I don’t know where we went from joking around to me not seeing him. The hardest situation I deal with is my own self worth and not getting my self esteem crushed. At times I have to remind myself that I have had sex with incredibly hot guys in my life time and I don’t have shit more to prove, I don’t.

At times it can get hard to not be mad at bisexuals when it has nothing to do with the bi-community, it has everything to do with wading in the water testing bastards. I can’t go out of the way to keep labels out of sex but you want to feel some type of extra straight accomplishment for screwing a chick. Congratulations I hope she taste me every time she is on your dick. I hope you feel safe, now on a petty note, you want to go further with a guy and it’s hard and I get that because I wrestle with my sexuality and addiction hardcore.

So what’s my over all message for this post? Be more self aware of what your doing, who your doing and how it effects others and don’t waste their time. Also you don’t have to hate yourself for wanting to find yourself. 

It has taken a while to understand that I can and should just drop people who don’t fit what I am looking for and that I don’t have to be in periods of depression and I need to stop hurting myself with men, because it gets to the point where I would prefer to be asexual and be left alone.

1/30/2017

I have wondered why everyone seemingly is an amateur pornstar nowadays. The internet is flooded with everyone’s naked bodies. Then I started to wonder, is this effecting how people socialize and date in our era. Friends I talk to who have dated are single and have been that way for some time, like myself I just don’t feel as though I am finding quality men around I feel like everyone is trying to become a break out Star with their bodies. There is no problem when it comes to two consenting adults putting their business out there, that’s their choice. 

Every time is see these post on twitter they have wishlists of things to buy for these people and my money is important to me, they don’t take requests but they will take your money, and at that, you don’t really get to know these individuals. I feel as though since we have gotten to this tech boom that it’s advanced so far that we are swept up in it. It’s sad to say I don’t know what’s more comfortable, knowing I am not alone into single life or that it’s going to get harder to find quality men who are not about that life.

I am on an antidepressant, I feel it’s going to lift this deep fog that has been in my life, help me get a better handle on my sex addiction, and my life in general. I some what feel it because I am questioning my motivations for feeling the way I currently do. I don’t think this is something with people and a general over sexualize society that will slow down or go away, I wonder how we safely navigate and separate ourselves from this advanced era of sexual attention.

I used to think that stigma in the LGBT community was getting worse and in some ways it is, but in other ways men being gay being open being sexualized is expanding, everywhere. It’s growing, so what do I want? One guy one relationship, and the focus being on us not about everything else in it.

Sex at 33

Sex is different now not with the want or need but more of who is a right fit and how do I look at sex now. Am I still looking for a partner or a smash and go?

I wonder if I can handle one, will I get in the way of what I want and need? There have been a very few men who left an actual impression with me, that really needs to change and I feel like I need to change as well not because it’s a new year, it’s because I know I am simply not satisfied with where I am at in life.

What am I looking for what do I need? For instance I think about having sex with my therapist semi regularly, at times I wonder why, it gets me to slow down and reason, when I talk to my therapist, when I can be open and talk and have an one ended exchange that has non of his personal business to some small effect out there, I still feel heard and safe so I come to the conclusion we’re not haveing sex, our sessions are of an open and intimate nature that it gives me security that I don’t have in my life, that has been lacking and that’s what my therapist means to me, that’s how it translates due to my sexual addiction. 

Also it changes me mood someone I could not wait to have sex with getting to know them at times killed my mood to have sex with them and that’s sad, cause that makes me look at the fact if I can successfully move past sex and strive for a relationship.