In my feelings on a Monday

I was on twitter yesterday and I came across a poll done by a white man in the UK who asked if white people feel they face racism, the only reason I saw this was based on a person I am following.

I pressed no, and was actually surprised to see that in the 90% so many said yes, and that lead me to believe, that something is actually wrong about this because 1. To many white individuals have been in the forefront of causing racism towards other people it was really hard to fathom, that they feel that way. Also I would need proof and examples because that’s what it takes most white folks to believe anything and even after that there is heavy bias on that.

So the person I follow said yes and said he wrote a paper on it. I stated that I only believe it effects people of color and not white people because of how it’s has been used, prominently as a tool of power.

He followed up with, so if a person shouts an offensive slur and it never effects you again it’s not racist?

I replied how does that hurt them? Put them in danger? Or how does it play a part in history as a sense of injustice to them?

So he continued that even though it’s not on a wide scale that to say that a particular group is immune from racism is dangerous to say, because people of color can attack white people to.

So I had to fire back and say the dangerous angle that he was putting out there is that people of color are on equal footing when it comes to racism, that it goes beyond slurs, it’s laws, it’s practices, and statistics that back it up. I continues to go on and say that when people of color mind their own business and are harassed and assaulted by a white person, I failed to see how white people are crippled and endangered by racism that he was making a case for.

I continued to go further by saying that since Trump got in to office attack’s on people of color have gone up.

Then he gave me a half ass link, so I replied , and he didn’t like my answer because he proceeded to say I was being a hypocrite and looking at things from a double standard.

I told him nothing in that story that he sent me gave me cause to see it was a case of racism, it was only until he sent another one, then I saw that, that particular case was.

If I was not so upset and in shock, that I was being confronted by a person of color on a poll done by a white person.

The more time I had to meditate on that, the more I realized, that I should have stomped that, when he came out and said “it never effects them again.” That’s the whole point it doesn’t effect them past their occasional hurt feelings. The fact that I had to pull an example out of him because it was not going his way.

Further more it made me loose complete respect for him because of the fact that, I disagreed with the poll but I did not get an explanation for why that particular man felt the way he did.

I am tired of the fact that white people get a pass for not doing or being better and I am upset more because I didn’t make a better argument of my case, and I feel like I backed down and it made me feel very negative about myself.

When it comes to racism it’s not just some agree to disagree, when blacks people have been killed in more numbers than they should have, but how quickly it’s overturned by one case of a polish man getting beat nearly to death. Maybe I have lost sight of the overall context, of hurting people.

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Unforeseen changes

I was caught off guard when I found out the my “supervisor” in HR stopped working here as of today. It was a complete shock and, it felt like a bit of being betrayed, and even though I am single and a temp worker at this job, it put me in a bind because I have not even been hired, he approves my paycheck, and I am working on these projects and now he is absent.

What makes me really mad is that it always seems as though if your a family man of some kind that, I would have ventured that at times that would translate into work life. It makes me think of what am I doing and what is my leadership going to come from now that your gone. It also grinds me gears because I felt like wow I am connecting in a way with a person from HR, that challenged me in great ways to be better, it just feels like a serious let down because men are a complete let down and low and behold, it rings true. Well not all but, I just got ambushed and I am mad, I am really mad about this and I feel like how do I go forward and what happens if other folks want to check out at this job? Or the new HR person is a total monster, then what?

It always seems as though it’s an oh well type of situation, I am just so tired and aggravated about this whole thing, I am tired of having to make concessions for other people’s situation when they are low key making moves to roll on and I am hurt and over it.

God is not trying to bless America you blood guilty hypocrites

If you think candles and singing God bless America is going to get you blessings and favors you have lost your damn mind.

Why would God want to bless a country who won’t lift a finger to quit murdering their own people and shrugging their shoulders about it. Guns are your idols and Gods, so who are you praying to, I know who it is, it’s the devil.

Your God is the NRA, and your hands are drenched in blood, you protect your god with all your might, and commit genocide in its name.

What business do any of you have to be out their to petition God for a blessing from this sin? 59 people died, 500+ people are injured. One man and a weapon that normal citizens have no business possessing.

No amount of candles or singing will wipe the blood off of any of you! To argue so hard to be so selfish to have every weapon that people can get their hands on has not worked, it has killed more people.

That’s how this works, break records, many dead bodies, debate, candles, pray, forget, and repeat.

People are monsters and it’s more apparent that race, and fear play a major role when it comes these issues. The bottom line is that guns are more important than people and that the second amendment is now more powerful than the first.

God and Jesus have left this country a long time ago, why would they want to help the people of the lands I reside on, when they have no empathy for anyone other than themselves.

8/16/2017

There is so much craziness going on in the world.

Trump and his mouth

Trump has been vocal since Obama was president and now Trump has been looking very weak, and showing the very core nature of how he is and what he believes. I am not surprised when he comes out under duress to do something he does not want to do, if that is how he feels he should not have become president, he should have minded his own business and moved on.

He is officially the worst president in the history of this country and has made previously bad ones from 1 year to 8 years look better than previous. When history looks upon Trump I hope they see how his very nature further corrupted a country.

So this “both sides, many sides” rhetoric is trash. When these terrorist came out and started attacking people the night before they were about trouble like their predecessors, let’s be truthful, side by side comparison.

He bullied his way into office and showed the very savage nature that has been fostered in people for generations. He doesn’t look presidential he looks defeated and vacations way to much. Everyone who gets involved with him must be stressed and drinking because the amount of crowd control they do is titanic.

Charlottesville

All about a racist preservation of horrible ideology. Which seems to be the biggest oxymoron for when some Americans say that slavery is over that we’re past racial issues. You can’t be over something that still exists and is in your backyard. People died others were critically injured and for Trump to be in the office of presidency and won’t bring himself to not be corrupt or be a human being for one moment is something that all I can do is give the side eye emoji 😒 and roll on. It’s called “The United States of America” what part of that do people don’t understand 🤔?

People still talking about their views should still be heard, you loose that right when you come out like a mob of terrorist with tiki torches and chanting like they are ready for battle. Then the next morning they came out with guns, and shields and clubs and beat people, shot off tear gas, and also used a Dodge Charger to commit vehicular manslaughter. That right there alone tells me there is nothing that needs to be talked about. Everything dealing with the Confederate needs to go away and become a mute subject forever.

Twitter comments 

Scrolling through my feed and seeing a popular podcast and comic book enthusiast dealing once again with being called a racist all because people don’t understand the roots of the comic book characters that idolize come from their own place of privilege. From Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne, young men who inherited their money, had influence and power, granted intelligent in their fields, yet Batman and Ironman are not always for everyone because they are rich white men that people of color don’t relate to. 

It can be a tall order trying to reason with someone that you can make a character relatable but some circumstances don’t always apply. At times people don’t take into account how these character are symbols not belonging to everyone, take Captain America, beloved ideal hero, white and reflects a white American, he may have been played by someone black in comics but even that has backlash, why? People and our unwillingness to be open, that some of these characters are mantles that should be able to change, still it’s the outrage that reminds people of color, people like me they were not always for us and still fight to have that acceptance that we are American today.

The Punisher, he is also white, and despite his background is a white man who exacts out justice as he see’s fit and most killers that have plagued the news have had his poster up I their rooms, it’s that type of entitlement that shows he has a right to do what he does, and if you tried to change him the outcry would be as big as Iron Fist. 

We love what these characters have developed into, but their existence what drives them is something else entirely. Not all struggles are the same and it’s taken not just a diverse comic book characters but people who understand who are willing to learn about people who are not white and can live from poverty to affluent and be relatable.

The all to common thing is that your racist because you want or expect more or see a character that doesn’t exactly scream mainstream to all people. The funny thing in all of that is that comics use people of color in their comics and then go to movies and don’t bother making sure they are represented correctly. Their movies have been proof of that they don’t listen and the only representation that matters is the one we’re given.

Then you have people of color who are complacent with white characters that are relatable on the surface, but how many rich people of color go on expeditions like Laura Croft a white British woman, who is rich and is connected to do those things, and feel that race doesn’t play a factor. Can we still enjoy these games or comics yes we should not doubtedly but that is not enough. You get better by testing boundaries and taking risks and working towards better goals, not using basic reasoning of create your own, if that is the case then don’t use any people of color because you don’t represent us in a way that honors us, I am sure that would make comics very boring. 

We have responded well to character that are thought out and do us justice. Yet white People have complained on he most basic of arguments, there are not enough white people where are they, truth not where most black people are and that’s a fact sad but true.

So I got called a racist

I don’t like or appreciate how people have to bring Jesus into their white arguments about black people or to support Trump who is not Christian in word or deed. When you call them out your racist and When called one, I called that person a Satan worshippers and left it at that, I am sure it was a shock. It’s interesting that Trump would t take a seat at the table for the NAACP when invited but black people need to go out of their way to address Republicans and the fake gestures of inclusivity. That not only tells me that some white people dont pay much attention to anything that isn’t white and that is and has always been the foundation of white racist rhetoric. They don’t like that we play by their rules and now they are on the loosing end of favor, sucks to be them and the people who support them. 

So if they think pulling their version of a racist card is going to work, it won’t those type of people lack the efficiency to pull that off. It’s just good to see them as frustrated as black men and women, Asian men and women Latinx men and women had to be, I am sure that’s no fun. 

Admittedly it feels just as bad to roll around in vomit with these individuals who don’t care to know better, I am better than that but there is a pleasure from it that some white people have had for a long time, having to defend their views, their existence, their worth, their seat at the table, also their relevance.

The hardest part is that with all of the great allies and intelligent white folks I know that they are dragged into the ancient race war that the middle eastern people are involved in, it fules itself and takes away from the harmony we should have, yet unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.

So I choose to make better choices use some self control and not get involved with hyena pack antics.

I got blocked by a gay pornstar and I am absolutely happy about it

Chris speaks out

Chris Crocker happened to be talking about the new colors on the flag brown and black, and went into a marvelous speech about inclusion and fully understanding what’s going on in the gay community, it was brilliant. 

A pornstar liked it and responded, I though wow great, needed support from the porn community. I felt in that moment, it feels great to know that even porn stars who are in some way part of the gay community will speak out in support in treating people equally, I found out differently.

I found out that it’s still the way it has been for too many years. A person responded to Chris and porn star attached that it’s a preference, and you don’t want to wast your time (paraphrasing) and it’s just being honest. I resisted responding because there was no need to, I saw what I liked and rolled on. Comments like those I will not ignore, I speak out against those comments because they are not only dangerous words and still racist to the core coming from white people, because of this countries history with black people.

I spoke up and said I’m more than one entry that it is racist, that there are many factors that you can choose from that qualify as a preference without putting race in it, also that people need to stop trying to float around this word preference and pretending it’s something that it’s not.

I was not talking about that pornstar at all, I had no reason to because they did not bring up preference. I got blocked from that pornstar because that person took what I said as a swipe against him. He got into his feelings instead of seeing it from an adult perspective. If being blocked because I intelligently explained what other options you have besides race then I am happy to be blocked. I would not want to support someone who has a way of thinking that excludes black people. 

White gays need to stop

You have no idea what is has to be like to be able to told your not attractive enough in mixed company, that as a black person and American we are still involved in being not good enough on some level, according to white standards. That has not changed for too many people, it makes intelligent well reasonable white people look crazy with this foolishness. If you have ever wondered or really cared about what the problem is with people of color in the gay community rest assured it’s probably you and what you did or didn’t do and how people of color or the trans or bi community have to pick up the slack because not enough of you care but want instantly become experts on what the gay community or flag should stand for, guess what no you don’t.

I don’t need to hear this…

I have never had sex with a black guy but I am interested…then do it, I don’t know what stops you from maning up and just living and having experiences and learning from other people. In short while I write this and smile, I understand that for some your just to weak to stand up for yourselves and that’s fine, you have never really had to. We should not have to pick up any extra weight from white people in the gay community because you should be willing, which is why I have just felt the need to opt out because in short your like a bag of money of value at some point but worthless when the bag is empty.

Get shipped to Russia

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White gays who think to highly of themselves, think they are owed something, feel the world revolves around them, or feels it’s just preference, you have no value in the gay community or what it really stands for what it’s been built on and can leave this country and go to Russia if you feel so oppressed over how you personally feel. We black people have been doing amazing things, as have brown people as well and your too ignorant to see that, we are winning and doing amazing things, sorry you don’t want to be a part of that. 

We are supposed to be equal and fight for each other, sorry I opt out of being on the front lines for you to be cannon fodder, but you can go to Russia your not needed. You don’t deserve this community and it can do so much better if you specific basic minded people were not in it. It’s sad that everything this community has fought against you have become, because in the name of preference, people preferred that you die and don’t exist, guess you forgot about that preference too.

To that gay pornstar

You can get this read too…

Thank you for blocking me, thank you for showing me that it’s still about white looks and white personalities that you have always been looking for, that personalities of people of color don’t matter, that it gives people in the gay community the same negative energy that brought Trump and Pence into our lives. So this one goes out to you because every time black people have to explain their existence your not for it. Thank you for blocking me because my comment had absolutely nothing to do with you and you took it that way without any clarification on your part. The only people who worry about race are the people who have no more room in their lives or personality to grow. Thank you for having a useless platform and living up to every basic white ignorant fragile stereotype that we have to be next to and thanks most importantly for the block, you and your bf can go to Russia as well, your not needed. 

Your a dime a dozen white gay fucking other white gays and it’s exhausting basic, and it’s exhausting having to look for something better. Try being better for once, instead of benefiting of of other people’s backs like white people before you.

In case you forgot your job is porn, were not talking about your private life, so when your job asks you your paired up with a person of color learn about the person because other gay pornstars don’t have your problem they come to work and I support those pornstars, but hey you could always go independent.

Shade on me

The more I give to others who need me the more the distance grows, this should no longer be a mystery to me, it just means that I need to really use my perceptive powers to understand that I am not walking the same path as them. People don’t listen to what I have to say to them, to help them, I have travelled the roads of hard decisions and what I know applies.

The only thing I have burned my hand the most on is the gay community. I have felt like I don’t exist there and I have come to find out I really don’t exist in that space, I hold out hope for my own sake and I get burned, and that sting turns to harsh anger, because what can I do to change it around, I don’t feel as though there is anything left to do but walk completely away. I am tired of the games, if I am really honest with myself wanting to be better then I have no place with a people who won’t reach back, if I don’t learn this I won’t ever get better. I am tired of living in fear of two sets of people, I will either thrive or die trying to be accepted. I can’t do it, so shade on me for trying for not seeing I am a fool, that the clowns hat is on me and I am not even laughing alone just being judged and laughed at.

6/10/2017

Learn from what I have been trying to tell you. Every time I get into that trench I fight a war, a war you don’t have to fight, yet through it I am learning endurance,  I don’t need people to agree with how I feel, I have been the one alone, I have been the one loosing, I have been the one who has to get back up and pick up my own emotions and duck for cover hiding in shame.

I told you before and I feel like you still don’t get it, I chose my Christianity for me, it doesn’t make me less gay at all. I know I am and I will make my piece with it. I am not a part of Christianity that is a cancer and plague to what it really stands for, and I will dash people to pieces who think they can continue to rub it in the mud with their blood money and satanic ideals. Maybe you didn’t hear me when I said gay men were trash and have continued to be so, they are not the ones picking me up, they are not there when I am depressed and down and need someone, they are just too vain to notice, they are just the people I fuck and apparently will be nothing more than that until I can just move on in piece from that. That is what the community has turned into and there are not enough people who can stop them and turn it around.

Understand and read my words clearly, I am who I need to be of my own choosing.

4/25/2017

I want men to leave me the fuck alone, now I know what women have had to deal with. Men are the most problematic species on the face of the earth and at this point no matter how much dick I have sucked or men I have fucked I would rather date and marry a woman than deal with another man terrorizing my life with their bullshit.

I can’t believe that I would get asked a question as to why I want to suck a guys dick when you are the guy who put out the post to get your dick sucked in the first place, then ask me why. The reason is obvious when I replied. So then I have to tell this ass like I tell so many others that my mouth does the talking I am not hear to describe a blowjob, I didn’t come here for a date, so if your not interested don’t waste my time.

That is the common theme dealing with young men and men in general in the gay community and finally I just decided to get off the train that is one day going to derail. The reason why a majority of this situation is my fault because I let my addiction and my weak ass nature get into every situation with men. I am to smart, too good looking, to be asked basic ass questions from men who can show their penis but not their face. So when people wise up and expect more maybe they can get the relationships they want. Me, I don’t want anything further from men they have nothing to give to me, they have done more harm to my life than benefit from it, not including therapist. I am just done, done, done, done, thank you and have a great day.

I shouldn’t be told this in the work place

So, when ever someone happens to say oh hey your still with us, that’s shade. My problem with this micro aggression is this, my work helps to ensure that we get people moved in, because in this country we seem to be under the impression that one person can do it all, sorry I don’t see that.

Then it leads me to this conclusion, that unless your job directly impacts the number of people we try to bring in, then don’t bring up oh I am still with you. Your not even taking additional responsibilities to help the situation, that’s why it was shade in full to be told this. People really don’t look at the bigger picture at times, and at that I am working to get people in to bring us money. So when problems are not in your backyard and the new hire does not effect the current situation, then don’t question my existence, because I  here because your house is not in order and people are not stepping up so that I am not needed. 

It’s easy to live in delusional schemes or grandeur, but keep my name out your mouth.