New Mondy

I still can’t believe this is happening and I am not talking about Manafort getting scooped up.

It’s work, and the best laid plans that change, it’s going into work and knowing that the space that your in will be under more stress, that more people could leave, that my insurance is running out tomorrow, and just getting my life together is another thing entirely.

Why are we always about the exit, if he left and I happened to be hired on first I would still be hurt but have a permanent position.

I still think that’s naive thinking on my part because it’s been said we are all replaceable, and that’s what I always need to believe, also I feel as though I failed him, I should have kept a better eye on him, helped more, or am I just stupid to that and he would have left anyway.

I don’t know, I wish I did, but at the end of the day I need to do better in my own life, that the circle of trust gets smaller.

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Unforeseen changes

I was caught off guard when I found out the my “supervisor” in HR stopped working here as of today. It was a complete shock and, it felt like a bit of being betrayed, and even though I am single and a temp worker at this job, it put me in a bind because I have not even been hired, he approves my paycheck, and I am working on these projects and now he is absent.

What makes me really mad is that it always seems as though if your a family man of some kind that, I would have ventured that at times that would translate into work life. It makes me think of what am I doing and what is my leadership going to come from now that your gone. It also grinds me gears because I felt like wow I am connecting in a way with a person from HR, that challenged me in great ways to be better, it just feels like a serious let down because men are a complete let down and low and behold, it rings true. Well not all but, I just got ambushed and I am mad, I am really mad about this and I feel like how do I go forward and what happens if other folks want to check out at this job? Or the new HR person is a total monster, then what?

It always seems as though it’s an oh well type of situation, I am just so tired and aggravated about this whole thing, I am tired of having to make concessions for other people’s situation when they are low key making moves to roll on and I am hurt and over it.

My room

It’s been a wreck and now I am in here cleaning it, I would never understand why I would get so triggered when cleaning it, then it came to me, that I have not cleaned my room since I was asked to move out when I was seeing Randy, it never occurred that it hurt so much to pack up this entire space. That having all of this stuff every where was a sign that I was still here, still existing in this space.

Even though I am forced to clean it, I find it’s ok to do that, it has nothing to do with me leaving. Just healing an emotional wound that needs to be addressed and healed.

Today it just dawned on me after all of this time that, this is the reason why I need to move forward.

God is not trying to bless America you blood guilty hypocrites

If you think candles and singing God bless America is going to get you blessings and favors you have lost your damn mind.

Why would God want to bless a country who won’t lift a finger to quit murdering their own people and shrugging their shoulders about it. Guns are your idols and Gods, so who are you praying to, I know who it is, it’s the devil.

Your God is the NRA, and your hands are drenched in blood, you protect your god with all your might, and commit genocide in its name.

What business do any of you have to be out their to petition God for a blessing from this sin? 59 people died, 500+ people are injured. One man and a weapon that normal citizens have no business possessing.

No amount of candles or singing will wipe the blood off of any of you! To argue so hard to be so selfish to have every weapon that people can get their hands on has not worked, it has killed more people.

That’s how this works, break records, many dead bodies, debate, candles, pray, forget, and repeat.

People are monsters and it’s more apparent that race, and fear play a major role when it comes these issues. The bottom line is that guns are more important than people and that the second amendment is now more powerful than the first.

God and Jesus have left this country a long time ago, why would they want to help the people of the lands I reside on, when they have no empathy for anyone other than themselves.

Almost 30 sober

Yesterday I came close to sex but it didn’t happen and for once, I just didn’t care or get upset at all, it’s just a test that will keep coming every once and a while. Still the problem is, that I wanted it and was willing to go for it.

It just didn’t happen and I feel that I am better for it. It feels easier and I don’t loose my mind trying to hook up with folks or fight situations that are just not worth it.

So I am going for the sober route and also putting my libido on the shelf as well , so that’s not bad, I think if I focus more on intimacy I should be alright and I can put a smile on my face.

9/27/2017

If I said I feel like a fool, then the answer would be yes. I know that I have not done the best that I should to stay away from sexual triggers. I am on YouTube watching gay romance webseries and I feel strongly drawn to those. It’s the concept of romance without me having to get involved with anyone and really that is cheating.

I know I am driving my counselor crazy, I come with a earthmover load of drama. Right now this all sounds like I am not being serious about being straight…I don’t know how to respond to that. The world is not built on single people. Yet I am navigating this space where the guy I want has his own plate of issues to deal with and I feel like I have barely addressed mine, Also I feel like I need to have sex, I need a body, sweat and a good hour.

Other times I just want like right now to write out everything I can like I am going to have writers block again and lose my way. I want more and have been lost in finding it. I don’t want to be lost but I also don’t want to feel so empty either. Things have to change and I can’t be scared to change what needs to be changed. It hurts like hell most days and my councilor is not on hand 24/7 so most of my issues just tend to stay bottled up.

Geez

Having a small part of Eric back in my life is good, I wish it were better, I feel lonely and it’s not a great feeling at all. Still it’s not, still can’t believe I am in this place where I am lonely and it doesn’t really change as much as I hoped it would.

Life doesn’t feel as interesting as I need it to be and that sucks, but that’s where I am at right now.

I have not cried in a while

I have been holding in needed tears, tears of grief, tears of sorrow, there has been so many people that I know that have passed away, I can’t keep up.

I have been off my antidepressant medication and I feel everything more, even anger.

I know I need to let it go, and I am scared to let it go, it’s just not healthy to keep it in. I know I will have to let it out, I need to do it for my piece of mind for the release.

Anger thrives on the pressure so a good cry is needed.