December 18, 2017

Yesterday I sent an email to what was my counselor at the time. He isn’t anymore because I told him I hated him, and that I wanted to hurt him.

The worst part of all of it, was not just that I said it, but that I actually felt relieved to say it. When I look back at it, it has a lot of cowardice to it, because I couldn’t say it to his face.

When you want someone to love you back and they can’t and I couldn’t, and I had never felt more trapped or emotionally raped in my life at that moment that the only thing left was to walk away. Take the blame like I knew I was going to have to.

I just feel taken aback because I just have this peace I didn’t have before. I should feel confused but I don’t, and I don’t want anymore counselor’s, people who can’t deliver on my level of expectations.

So I live with the fact that I can’t accept being a gay man and that I have to carry that burden, and that I threw a good man away because it was the right thing to do under all the wrong reasons.

I wish him nothing but happiness, but it was time to move on, and I over stayed my welcome in that department.

He doesn’t understand why I am mad or wanted to hurt him and that’s ok, he doesn’t have to, he isn’t trained in that way.


Emotions, know better

I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels. 

It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.

I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away. 

I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?

Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.

What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.

Shade on me

The more I give to others who need me the more the distance grows, this should no longer be a mystery to me, it just means that I need to really use my perceptive powers to understand that I am not walking the same path as them. People don’t listen to what I have to say to them, to help them, I have travelled the roads of hard decisions and what I know applies.

The only thing I have burned my hand the most on is the gay community. I have felt like I don’t exist there and I have come to find out I really don’t exist in that space, I hold out hope for my own sake and I get burned, and that sting turns to harsh anger, because what can I do to change it around, I don’t feel as though there is anything left to do but walk completely away. I am tired of the games, if I am really honest with myself wanting to be better then I have no place with a people who won’t reach back, if I don’t learn this I won’t ever get better. I am tired of living in fear of two sets of people, I will either thrive or die trying to be accepted. I can’t do it, so shade on me for trying for not seeing I am a fool, that the clowns hat is on me and I am not even laughing alone just being judged and laughed at.

October 17,2016

Half a week I spent going over the email that my therapist sent me, more people on my facebook who out of nowhere have couple pictures on their profile. I look at them and still wonder what am I doing? Am I that far gone, am I so taken by my sexual addiction that I may never find real love?

People are not seeing the struggle, they don’t even recognize it, it’s not just about the fact that, wow I don’t go a month without having sex, and people don’t realize that’s the most hurtful and damaging part about it, I don’t love any of them, that’s not what they are there for, and it’s a real struggle because at some point you want to love and be honest and open as possible. Yet for me and my experience every time I look at me or think about talking to someone, the impulse to add sex is under my breath the whole time and it’s unnerving.

It’s a situation to where two people are there to climax and leave, the most emotionally damaging way to meet, it keeps me from thriving, it keeps me from believing in myself and not a whole lot of people realize how that feels. To want to be safe and know that your not.

I want to live, I want to be free and I want to save myself, like it or not it hurts all of the time and I want to say no every time and all of the time, I just live in fear of this is as good as it gets or what I deserve and I don’t want that to be all that I am, wrapped up in so much loose sex that I forget to fall in love, to cultivate it. To feel safe in my own skin without giving in.

To just have some respect for myself and call the shots for once, I have to be celibate for my own mental health, cause I am not a victim I am an addict and that is a hard word to say at times, and this has been a part of me since puberty, I just did not understand what it was and how it played in my life. How life events played and manifested in my addiction. And it feels good having days of not having sex. The only way to feel that security is to start loving me and that’s hard too, but I need to come to peace with who I am and how I have lived my life.

It’s always easier to hate things about yourself and it’s easier to get people to hate them with you, it’s harder to look and smile and walk tall, and just not care, yet we have to bring out our own good, how else do we attract better things for ourselves, by loving ourselves to the fullest and not asking or waiting for others to do it because that’s not life or being realistic.

I am an sex addict and my goal is to be one month clean and just take it from there, I used to be ten years clean before I knew I had a problem and I would love to get back to that place, I also accept that I love sex in general it doesn’t matter who, but I would love to find my soul mate even more.

I think it’s time we have a talk

I hear you have been moaning and groaning about being lonely and not having a relationship, you have been bringing downt the moral and it’s time we had a talk. Your inner voice needs to tell you the deal.

Hey mister, why do you want a relationship that you have proven to be ill equipped for? Why do you run from yourself? Why are you treating yourself like trash? I thought we were better than that?

I know you have had it tough like so many but why are you settling? Cause I know your smart but somewhere in that head of yours, you have convinced yourself that your situation is too big for people to handle.

Why are you so scared of who you are, when you are running the streets anyway? I know why, it’s because so many chances have passed you by and you don’t know if you can trust yourself to just let guys go and not choose a hook up over a possible companion. Yet I have more to tell you because I am not finished, it’s more of your daddy issues creeping in, where he would go off and your brother ran wild and you were all alone with thoughts so abandonment is also a key factor in why you won’t just walk away from a fling.

So now we have to talk about your addiction, cause I know that with with men that have left your life, from childhood friends and your parents divorce and possibly moving to California, you my friend the body in which I live in has never been the same. You broke and change is a big part in which you fight and you don’t deal with it well, because any time you have to focus on you, you screw, and you push it to the limit. I know it doesn’t help and you have to deal with it because your in emotional peril and I can’t let you do that is any more.

Letting you hide, letting you enter people’s lives the way we do hooking up and hoping that it will get better you know it won’t, until you let me be a part of you, yeah you know who it is, that gay part of you that you wish away, and yet you crawl into bed with me when it’s convenient and drive me off the lot and then you want to feel bad and hate what you have done and want to be better.

 If that’s what you want then just choose and be happy, cause everyone else see’s it all over your face no matter how well you think your hiding it your not, and your bad at it. I still love you when your convinced that your trash and don’t love yourself and you don’t think you will ever deserve love from another person so love yourself hard as hard as possible, and let’s not forget to respect yourself too because you don’t realize that you can be doing so much better when you don’t focus on other people.

Your sex addiction, it’s always going to be there and until you manage it my friend you will be settling for way less than you deserve and allow yourself to be abused emotionally to all kinds of people, not because your nice but simply because you feel you should be treated extremely poor. Don’t give your love to others who just can’t return it back, and than means you need to learn the difference and Trina yourself all over again. People will use you up in a heartbeat and just not care, it just a shame that it’s how things work now a days.

Also as much back seat driving as I have done, your therapist is right, and has helpful advice, so don’t be scared to follow it either. 

Lastly and most important, your relationship with your God…love your God and remember he has been holding you down since the beginning and has not given up in you so don’t you dare act like you need to forget who you worship, I know there is more conflict than you want to admit or feel that you can live through living your life, but I feel it’s bound to get better and that you need to hang in there. 

I am glad I had this talk with you even though I know it was one sided and I just needed you to listen, we should talk more, love your inner voice, be kind and spread love.

New moon, new relationships 

Saturday afternoon I was at the store and I was at the self check out line and in the express line I saw a young man I hooked up with and he was with a guy and he looked happy he looked like he had new life and a boyfriend, and I had a half smile  about myself, I was jealous and it hurt for a minute, so I decided to dismiss the thought and focus on the fact that if he found someone that makes him happy, someone that chose him then there is still hope for me.

I am holding on to hope, I feel like I need hope when I feel I see others winning, if it’s in person or when I happen to be venturing facebook profiles and I feel afraid. I am afraid that it’s so normal for relationships to exist without me. Is it because I am so undecided? Is it because I am fighting my nature? Choosing a straight life that to most people looks like a blatant lie. Even though I am trying to stay away from a primal urge to do nothing but hook up.

When I see so many people, so many couples I feel hungry, hungry for love, a real relationship, not just these memes I see on people’s facebook pages and twitter and instagram. Finding that voice that touch from a real person, I miss that so much and to not have that, to not know what’s going on with my life it’s something that I don’t know when or if that can happen.

So I have to look towards hope, while I navigate my life, I don’t like to hide that I am ok when I know I am not, when I am hurting and I get boxed mentally and emotionally because I have moments where depression still grips me, but I am trying and piecing my confidence piece by piece. You have to reset at some point.

Hands open for the road ahead

Standing in the background I pay attention to what’s being said and how others are reacting to what’s going on….guess that’s what’s in my nature. From my perspective, I want to keep my eyes open to understanding the hiv community, it’s needs, it’s understanding, the patience that helps some of us through the toughest times of our lives. Sometimes when I look at those who have taken the lead, the struggle and the progress that comes from it, I also can’t escape the comments of problems, stigma, not helping, setting the movement back. Honestly some of that actually scares me and then I don’t feel so welcomed, then I don’t feel safe, then I remember how limited my resources are being in the hiv community.

We have to remember to be a refuge to newcomers and veterans at all times. That’s what we need, the more voices that reach out in solidarity I would argue the better. We won’t always be famous, or ready for a role to make a profound difference, still anyone who knows what it’s like to be there for the hiv community either having the virus or dating or married to the person carrying it, your voice counts all the same.

I won’t deny the constant frustration of wondering how many years go by and people still seem to be stuck in the neutral position wondering when sexual education is going to be manditory in mainstream life, this is what I have accepted, what I have know that education doesn’t always start at a phone or computer screen, often times its word of mouth and when we accept the talks we have to have, keeping it organic, we may just make more advancement then the last generation. That means that I’m asking for us to endure some of the coversations that are annoyingly taboo, to our culture, and just break it down and hope it holds fast this time.

My goal, one way or another is to be the last generation that has to experience hiv in my lifetime, or the next, that advocates find more just like them and teach them the skill necessary to keep walking that road to the finish. My goal is to take the fear and ignorance away, leaving no more spaces to hide. Some days I feel as though we are refugees in a foreign land, waiting for a time where we are not viewed as threats, to people’s way of everyday living, where we are seen as like everyone else. Living in the light where we don’t have to fight everything that comes our way.

What’s important to me is not just the fact we need to live to treat ourselves and those alike with the same love and respect we show ourselves to others, please understand this, “trust and respect are thing earned and displayed.” What this quote means, is that it takes effort on our part to take the lead, helping others like us to know how to stand up in good times and stand up in times of difficulty, that we look out for each other no matter where we are or live and that we provide a safe place because we should, it should be automatic.

If we find ourselves in a place where we don’t agree with where a person is at stepping on to the scene of hiv, leave your arms open to help, love, accept, and give knowledge. Knowledge is a gift, a free one at that, it shows we care and that we have been there. Welcome home as we send you back out there in the real world once again standing on two feet out in the open.