Emotions, know better

I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels. 

It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.

I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away. 

I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?

Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.

What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.

When people are not getting the message

So I follow a variety of people on social media. Now what I need to do is not tap in and at times take my own advice about moving along. Now here is my problem, white folks say they want to make America better for everyone, yet they want to dictate how it happens, they say stop spreading racism, which their definition is name calling. 

So then new tool used by white Americans is your racist, it’s this new age taking point also couples by tag in a friend for a tech lynching on social media, because I said something to you and my friend is free to jump in. The only thing that tells me and what I have seen is this, you have a degree in talk solution not action solution. What I would like people to understand, is that enough of white folks are not making enough headway, it’s like your not even trying, and not everyone is going to explain it to you, that is a fault of your people for not caring. 

I get tired of seeing how many people are ready to argue at a point that a person of color makes and it’s usually by personal experience. When I can get called racist from an overwhelming amount of white peoples who voted for Trump, that tells us that the race war is still on and we don’t plan on changing our ways. People like to play the victim card and double down on what people of color have been doing and saying and how much of a front they take our tone, but your not going out there and addressing the problems, or bothering to lay down the foundation. 

People are trying, the point is you call for back up to defend your honor instead of looking at the big picture. So here is the honest truth. White folks have ground to cover and it’s not going to be easy. Yet that is your yoke to bare, not people of color. 

Also it’s amazing that all the while your steady calling any person non-white with a opinion you don’t like racist, have you ever let it cross your mind that it’s into response as to how people have been treated? You can make America a better place when you stop arguing with us and listen and accept that we are people trying to live. 

When you think it’s about revenge, and you bring out that talking point that is your way of not wanting to do a thing to fix the problems that exist. That says you were never interested, you don’t listen and your not aware of what’s going on. That what is the most disappointing thing in all of this, your feelings come first, like they always have.

The most frustrating thing is that it’s these majority people I come across that think and act with these old white ways make white peoples making a real difference look bad and makes progress slow, I know I have said this, but this is the facts. 

I did not choose which society or class or race of people that I was born into, yet it never absolves me of doing better or being better, something that wasting energy arguing with that kind of people has taught me they are not about change or putting in the work.  The people who are listen and find ways to make things better.

What will help me is staying away from those talking points yet it’s hard when that’s where it is. 

I know I can’t talk to people when they are ready to deflect with your a racist with no real context at all…I am done.

6/10/2017

Learn from what I have been trying to tell you. Every time I get into that trench I fight a war, a war you don’t have to fight, yet through it I am learning endurance,  I don’t need people to agree with how I feel, I have been the one alone, I have been the one loosing, I have been the one who has to get back up and pick up my own emotions and duck for cover hiding in shame.

I told you before and I feel like you still don’t get it, I chose my Christianity for me, it doesn’t make me less gay at all. I know I am and I will make my piece with it. I am not a part of Christianity that is a cancer and plague to what it really stands for, and I will dash people to pieces who think they can continue to rub it in the mud with their blood money and satanic ideals. Maybe you didn’t hear me when I said gay men were trash and have continued to be so, they are not the ones picking me up, they are not there when I am depressed and down and need someone, they are just too vain to notice, they are just the people I fuck and apparently will be nothing more than that until I can just move on in piece from that. That is what the community has turned into and there are not enough people who can stop them and turn it around.

Understand and read my words clearly, I am who I need to be of my own choosing.

STD’s APPS and the finger

Recently there has been a swell of talk in reference to Apps and if they are the cause of STD’s and people catching them. I will keep this simple and plain. Wear a condom, an app will help you find a person on the fly. If you get to your destination and you don’t have a condom, and they don’t and you manage to have that 60 seconds or less conversation of when is the last time you had sex, and hopefully no flags go off, and your feeling a go 70-80% about this person and it goes down, we have to own that, we need to own that. Not the Tinder, Grinder, or what ever occupies our time is responsible for not screening people. There is a window where the infection is in play and you have a serious chance of bee lining right into it.

Can we be adult now? Even if you choose to omit that maybe you were on a roll one week or one month, that there has been a lapse in our personal response to wrapping it up? Have you been hit, been a repeat doctor visit offender? When articles like this come out, that tells me that we need to get organic, talk before we hump, no I’m serious about this. This is not just out to the Hiv community this is a global roll call, No one wants to be that person, let alone that repeat offender. What this should help us really see and meditate on is that we need to ask ourselves and I being safe? Do I have some dependency on others to provide a condom? Could I just be too trusting taking others at face value? Do I still feel invincible when i should be looking for red flags, or protecting myself more?

All in all, when we take away accountability, place it on who helped me the person who burned me, then people loose their right to justifiable free speech, meaning you condemn in hypocrisy, not because we as people get around, its that we do but pass the buck and walk away at the end of the day.