November untitled

Here goes, I spent $75 dollars on a mobile game i didn’t need to because I have been in depression deep and I could have just played my playstation, I could have spent that on my playstation plus account. I took a gamble and lost and that hurt.

Mostly I have just been in the dregs trying to figure out how to make my life feel better and it doesn’t. I want to commit suicide, almost everyday, and I never thought my life would be so out of control, but it is. I feel like I just don’t have control over my own life or feelings any more.

I want to have sex with my counselor so bad I cry at night, even though he is a type cast of men I never got to have an intimate relationship with because they were straight and, never available, and neither is he. It hurts anyway, always has after all of these years.

I often wonder why I have been always afraid to write down what I feel, I guess it’s because people get you to a point where you can’t trust them, you can’t trust what you say to them because I’m wrong move and it’s evidence against your entire state of being.

I have so many things stacked on me, my emotions, skin color, sexuality, beliefs, social status and I wonder if it ever gets better. I wonder if I can ever get to a true state of acceptance?

I just feel judged and judge myself because I don’t know how to cope with either choice I make, knowing full well that the pieces just won’t fit, no matter how hard I force them to, they just won’t.

So at times I feel that if I just die I can make the madness in my life go away. I don’t have to hide out, I don’t have to deal with hiv, sexual addiction, depression, loneliness, any of this garbage because I will just be dead and it will be the end of it.

Everyday feels like I am catching up from my childhood to my adulthood, that I am still just as stupid now as I was back then.

I want a better life and I know I don’t have it, even though I need it. I want my counselor to have sex with me even though I know he won’t dare, and it leaves me cold and empty and rejected inside, while everybody is moving ahead I am slowly dying inside, just dying.


Emotions, know better

I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels. 

It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.

I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away. 

I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?

Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.

What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.

Down day continued

I am really feeling it, my emotions dulling down sadness, yet I woke up feeling anger a whole bed to myself, people run free and happy. It kills my vibe, instantaneously, my emotions go and my interest goes with it, fun, happiness, activities, living, they go out the window. I forgot my IPhone ear phones again, now I can’t listen to podcasts to try and offset my mood, I am quite upset about that. 

We still say that if we can’t love ourselves then how do we expect others, well it’s interesting how we stay for abuse and hope it turns into love. Being single is a stigma in this country, there is always something wrong with what you don’t have instead of being happy with what you could attain. 

I can’t be myself in a world that needs to change, what is the point of changing myself just to gripe about the problems, and situations that still need to be adjusted. It’s not about these awesome memes that talk about being alone because you don’t want to deal with other people’s games and crap and yet, we don’t ask for better we just drift along with the contaminants in the water.

Next to nothing makes me happy anymore, it’s saddening, emotionally scaring. At the end of the day people won’t step up. 

I used to dream of embracing who I really am, but you grow up get realistic and drown all of your dreams in a tub until they stop moving and just float, so I can dry my hands off and walk into another room like my dreams never existed. It’s apple that you expect to choke to death on, to just close your eyes and hope this nightmare fades into non existent times when you can let it feel like dejavu but pay it no heed. That’s life for some not for all. 

This world is a demonic specter, that creeps on your shadows waiting, lurking in safe spaces, to pull you down ankles first.

Living my truth: Self-righteous Bully

I spent hours going in on this guy who had the nerve to tell me and other black people that he cares more about black people than we do, but felt justified in saying that 99% of police shootings were justified and continued to go on and on about what threat did Dylan Roof pose that he should have been shot?

It’s has been these words and my actions calling him self righteous race baiter who would ask facts and proof of us but never really applied it to himself until I called him a troll and a few hours later, once I think he realized I was not going to cave or let him have the last word. He just left, cause I played the game that white people play, it’s not about what I said but how I phrased it and I need proof and the burden of proof is yours to prove.

I know these childish games and I am learning more and more about the micro-aggressive tactics that I am studying in depth. People think they are smart because they are navigating around slavery, the foundation of this country, gentrification, and not being apologetic for being white, well I have news for them, I can bully too, I can be that unapologetic black person that won’t play those games where I do the work for peopl, serch on and on, cause their main reason is to be problematic and justify everything they do of one thing, anything people of color do that white people don’t like, they always have something to say.

They feel justified in being annoying and superior instead of building bridges they are still the same people out there burning them. Worst of all, I bully back, I have just felt so into my feelings to be any and hurtful that I am just as bad as they are if not worse. I don’t need to thing and reason like they do, but I do I want them to feel as frustrated as we do as I do inside.

I saw a meme on Facebook where a black teacher asked the student what they wanted to be when they grew up, and the your black girl said “Alive.” It resonates so much because that is all we seem to want now a days the ability to live and die of old age. That is the biggest obstinate in this country the justification of ending a black persons life. Followed by the justification for painting white criminals as saints to be adored and are next to perfection.

All of this is not even my biggest problem, I hate myself and it has just boiled over to other people feeling it, my family feels it, and I wonder just how long have I been this hateful person? How have I turned into the black gay spiritual hateful person, and how do I turn it off and turn back into a loving person? Do I even know how to do that, or have I mastered hate so well its all I have left to give to myself and others? How did I get so lonely that the only person I am keeping warm is me?

I am such a horrible person that I have been told by my own mother that my niece and nephew feel that I hate them, that I don’t like them, I really don’t spend time with them or make them feel genuinely welcome like I should. I am surprisingly a very bitter at life 32 year old man. I have managed to project that onto so many, no wonder why no one really loves me, or why nothing works out, who want that in their life. I am the least open and most heavily guarded person I know, that’s why I stay lonely, I stay mean. Why my life is a wreck. Why I daydream of a romance gifted to other people. That I become a revolutionary of mean, cutting down all before me.

I think I wish I would just pass away so people can finally be happy, In some way I am tired of looking at everyone being happy but me and feeling stuck there. I need more, and I am not sure how to get it.