Hours after what I would call a break down, I realized that I have blessings, that I have things to look forward to and that and that my counselor has given me blessings all of the time and I have not realized it. I can be smart, I just often tend to be short sided.
He recently gave me a tool to better understand my sex addiction, it was humbling and accurate. I know I was embarrassed and ashamed because I read me to my core and I don’t think I was ready for that, but I bookmarked the info anyway.
I still have so much to work out, yet it is a reason to be thankful.
I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels.
It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.
I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away.
I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?
Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.
What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.
The more I give to others who need me the more the distance grows, this should no longer be a mystery to me, it just means that I need to really use my perceptive powers to understand that I am not walking the same path as them. People don’t listen to what I have to say to them, to help them, I have travelled the roads of hard decisions and what I know applies.
The only thing I have burned my hand the most on is the gay community. I have felt like I don’t exist there and I have come to find out I really don’t exist in that space, I hold out hope for my own sake and I get burned, and that sting turns to harsh anger, because what can I do to change it around, I don’t feel as though there is anything left to do but walk completely away. I am tired of the games, if I am really honest with myself wanting to be better then I have no place with a people who won’t reach back, if I don’t learn this I won’t ever get better. I am tired of living in fear of two sets of people, I will either thrive or die trying to be accepted. I can’t do it, so shade on me for trying for not seeing I am a fool, that the clowns hat is on me and I am not even laughing alone just being judged and laughed at.
Between addiction and self-esteem there is a big amount of control in my life that I need to account for. I am getting better and doors in my life that need to stay closed are for the most part closed.
There are things going on in my life that are helping to redefine myself as a person and there are most days I am in my feelings. The more rude folks I run into, the more I realize I am not able to have small talk or conversations with people without it turning into a rude situation I feel less and less inclined to feel that finding new people is really possible, have I grown into my personality at 33 yes I have. I am processing people more and even though I feel disconnected to communities in life, I do not feel as though I am missing out having to deal with people.
What I learned this week is that the lack of validation from people does not counteract, invalidate, or make me worthless as a person. I will not die the second someone ignores that I exist, I will not die when things don’t work out the way I need them to. I will not die when I run into a hurdle or fall down.
I am 33 and the needed change has needed to come from me. People will take what I give them and want more, the second I ask for anything I get nothing in return, blank responses until I feed their beast. I need to take care of me and screw the rest of what doesn’t fit in to my plans, that’s how this world works.
Having better for me means getting better and getting better means doing things I need to do, accepting my limitations, and elevating my self worth because I am working harder to be the best version of myself that I want to be. I have played by people’s rules and got screwed by it every time, I choose a different road a better road.
It has been 1 year since I started this blog and scrolling through I could not believe that it’s the actual truth on this. Yet in this year things have advanced from bad to worse overtime, I feel like my light is fading and that I must be something more, that I must be so,ething that can inspire some hope. I need hope for myself, I need to see the light something that honestly I have not been feeling.
I need to take my place as what I was ment to be not what I have been trying to be, it’s not working. I need to lead in my life I need to be stronger in all aspects of my life and I just can’t cow tip anymore, I can’t be weak anymore, I can’t be silent anymore, I can’t be a part of a community that has more growing to do than I have time to spend on it. Even if my views from this point on appear harsh and unwelcomed, that’s the way I happen to see the world, and it’s a crazy thing when so much darkness looks like warm inviting light.
I want better and the path I have been on, the life or truth as some would say that I have been trying to live just is not it, it’s just not my people and I face that fact and accept it. All I can do is be me and that is going to be more than enough.
why choose such words as these, this topic has been burning on my mind for a while, I wonder what I happen to be doing, am I making the right choices? Are these emotions I feel one sided or is there some there. When i jump in I try to be all in, I want to believe that i am not looking for an exit strategy, that I am all alone in how i feel. Its been that way so many times for myself, the ones i give my raw emotions to are the ones that are out the door before i know it, the ones that feel some feeling towards me I don’t feel it back, I happen to be on to the next. Being single and having a negative outlook has one wondering when will i stop hunting, and devouring?
What can I do, and how do I act when someone make’s me feel like i have come alive for the first time in years? How should i react when our timing is always off and no one has replaced the hole, I just want to step out from the fear of having love and knowing that, it changes you for the better at times. Have you ever found yourself that listening to music that uplifted you, music that captured the moments closets to your heart? Someone that doesn’t leave you feeling as though you ruin your life just by existing. When I talk i feel as though I am letting all my fears go, even though I am so unsure that I am truly being heard. I know a guy, he makes me want to put a ring on it, change everything I have been so scared to face alone, has me thinking he might very well be the one.