Shade on me

The more I give to others who need me the more the distance grows, this should no longer be a mystery to me, it just means that I need to really use my perceptive powers to understand that I am not walking the same path as them. People don’t listen to what I have to say to them, to help them, I have travelled the roads of hard decisions and what I know applies.

The only thing I have burned my hand the most on is the gay community. I have felt like I don’t exist there and I have come to find out I really don’t exist in that space, I hold out hope for my own sake and I get burned, and that sting turns to harsh anger, because what can I do to change it around, I don’t feel as though there is anything left to do but walk completely away. I am tired of the games, if I am really honest with myself wanting to be better then I have no place with a people who won’t reach back, if I don’t learn this I won’t ever get better. I am tired of living in fear of two sets of people, I will either thrive or die trying to be accepted. I can’t do it, so shade on me for trying for not seeing I am a fool, that the clowns hat is on me and I am not even laughing alone just being judged and laughed at.

6/10/2017

Learn from what I have been trying to tell you. Every time I get into that trench I fight a war, a war you don’t have to fight, yet through it I am learning endurance,  I don’t need people to agree with how I feel, I have been the one alone, I have been the one loosing, I have been the one who has to get back up and pick up my own emotions and duck for cover hiding in shame.

I told you before and I feel like you still don’t get it, I chose my Christianity for me, it doesn’t make me less gay at all. I know I am and I will make my piece with it. I am not a part of Christianity that is a cancer and plague to what it really stands for, and I will dash people to pieces who think they can continue to rub it in the mud with their blood money and satanic ideals. Maybe you didn’t hear me when I said gay men were trash and have continued to be so, they are not the ones picking me up, they are not there when I am depressed and down and need someone, they are just too vain to notice, they are just the people I fuck and apparently will be nothing more than that until I can just move on in piece from that. That is what the community has turned into and there are not enough people who can stop them and turn it around.

Understand and read my words clearly, I am who I need to be of my own choosing.

Past 30 and gay

Navigating these waters happen to be getting difficult, I really can’t seem to catch a break and everything has changed, so much has changed. The internet is not really the place to meet people anymore. Every one has an excuse, when folks don’t like a situation they bail out, and if people do that with sex then imagine trying to date someone. 

People barely talk as it is, I keep giving them the benefit of a doubt and the fail right on time. The good thing about my life now is that I am at an age where to much has happened to me and I don’t care, I will not be bothered with people and situations I have no power over. Those words are true for a reason. For me it’s not about the fact of what people are saying is true or not. I just don’t care and I refuse to be bothered by what people will or won’t do or how they represent themselves. It’s true it’s the people not the community at times.

Now going back to the community there is such a toxic element in it that is just making it really bad, the colorism and the ageism, are two big factors. It has not changed in fact it has gotten worse. Filtering out people based on color is NOT a preference, again NOT a preference. Hair color, eye color, height, age, body type, cut uncut are preferences. Even though I don’t like the ageism either, but when people will mess around with a willing married person I really have to question people’s thinking.

The community would be a whole lot better if it learned to communicate and stop playing games. The more I learn, the more I realize that talking to people face to face has so many benefits to it. Just knowing how people feel and knowing and feeling that there is no real expectation for sex unless it’s offered. So I have gone to this place called Flex I have enjoyed it because it’s an atmosphere that I can be myself and not feel judged, I know that not everyone will be attracted to me but I don’t care, it’s the organic nature of being in someone’s company that really helps, that takes a degree of the hurt away. 

We have become a community of hurt and not the community that was originally started out as. People filter their own existence away, people just don’t represent themselves with the pride they say they have and they have taken that away from so many other people as well. It’s looks not substance, not personality, but superficial aires. People treat themselves like plastic surgery cutting away flaws they don’t want for themselves or other people.

AGE

Most things found on these apps is that there is a cut off limit to atractivness and apparently it’s 30. Strangers in passing are still astounded that I look young for 33 I do I know I do and when I want to I can shave off my facial hair or my chest hair and let my youth shine through, but is that really being myself or is that playing to an advantage that helps me out? To be honest it’s an advantage, yet I hate that my attraction is limited to my age, it’s narrow and immature. Granted I also love how the community has a wide range of folks with various interests when it comes to men, still the focus should be on interests not all of these basic tropes, that people are lost on. It’s yes foolish and very childish, people have grown in to a deep hole of me first and screw everyone else. We miss experience and opportunities to learn about people and who they are and why this community is as a whole. People are comfortable and that is a very dangerous pedestal to be sitting on, it can lead to a equally dangerous fall. That’s why I don’t stay with these apps long because they kill me emotionally inside, and year after year it’s the same faces looking but not finding what they are looking for.

When straight acting has gone all kinds of wrong

Disclaimer

This topic is a bout straight acting and my corresponding feelings on the subject, I understand that people will always feel one way or another on this subject matter, so here is my take I talk about adult subjects in adult language and sex is right up in it, understand that what I write may not be for you, thank you for reading.

 

What is this deal with straight acting, I feel it has become a life of its own, upon me the gay community and how “straight acting” has taken on a life of its own. For most if not all of my life I have just been lost on the concept of sleeping with women, the whole transition of I can have the “D” but also come home to the “P” and have no guilt whatsoever about who I have sex with, why, because I could have it all, and even if I was more attracted to guys then I was with women I could always keep my options open, who would not love that?

Then we really have to come to the perspective, that gay men live in this atmosphere of straight acting, like the second they settled on a penis that their masculinity became invalid. Tell me what is the point of being a full on gold or silver star gay man if you have to be straight acting, that is the community motto? That is Palm Springs that is the new White Party? No, the more I had some time to self-reflect on how I am living my truth, my life and I will be completely honest, sex addiction aside, I want “the pussy” yes I said it, in Lafayette True Blood voice, yes in all that glory. Baby I have been on my back with a guy eating me out having my eyes roll back and I have been totally thinking about how this feels on a woman, are her breasts to my liking, do we have kids, a nice house and is our marriage stable? Mind you the sex was defiantly on point, for me I know talking like that pisses people off.

When people are not all in for the community it is a national scandal, you cannot be that gay man trying to sleep around with woman, it’s as though you are breaking your gay vows. I do not understand this, yet there are a good number of things about people and their sexual personalities that I do not get. I understand this notion though, I am getting laid and I know that I don’t have to worry about catching feelings because when we are straight acting there is very little truth to who you or I have to be. We fuck and you leave, no number no kik, snapchat, or twitter on this. When I am over here wondering why I a relationship alludes me is because I am too busy not living my truth, that I envelope a level of insecurity that is at the top of the totem pole of who we think we are. Not everyone needs to prove I am still one of the good o’l boys because I can still have woman fall all over me, and give her a false sense of hope, well congratulations on that.

When I sit here writing this out, I look at straight acting as a high sense of entitlement, that I have a new tool to berate those that don’t measure up. Masculinity has always been on the attack, part of the war path. There are times that I feel that I am not allowed to learn or explore what heterosexuality means to me and how it can be a real part of my life. I am too busy trying to pass of as straight, yet that is a problem that has never been corrected, it is one thing to have layers to the LGBT community, yet it is so fractured. It is one thing to have these letters stand for something, but now it feels like they want to stand for themselves, break off and but as much distance as possible and have no bad press associated with it.

Stigma in the hands of those you trust the most

I can admit, that I’m small and just really nonexistent when it comes to the grand scope of hiv and who have the keys to the city. What I continue to find that advocates are on damage control. Why do I say that this is stigma, it’s not the outright in your face variety, this has a certain touch to it. Soft and yet blunt at the same time, I think we are headed for trouble and I really hope I’m wrong. I have read a not to happy comment about the open letter for Danny Pintauro, the comment that stood out was very harsh and direct to the one who wrote it. I understand both sides, you have to, though to understand what’s going on. When people talk about hiv, there needs to be 100% accuracy to it. Information seems to be law when it comes to us….those living with hiv, managing it, bringing awareness to it, so if the message comes out wrong, it’s a loose string to the security blanket that the community has gotten under, and the coverage starts to get smaller.

On the other hand, when you look at movies and testimonials, real life accounts of what hiv to aids really was, what it was about before the age of medication that gave back some life, why wouldn’t others speak out to protect the progress that was made, the road that is still to this day being paved with information, needed life saving information. One would say you fight tooth and nail for it. To protect those who still suffer who need shelter when there feels as though there isn’t. Speaking out in sea of oppression seems daunting but do able.

The stigma, it’s chains and weights that are made of Ill intentions, and at times malice. It doesn’t take much, yet it’s still used, even with people you want to have your back and it hurts deep when your on the receiving end. This morning I was with family holding my 9 month old nephew and breaking up pieces of my waffle and feeding him the smaller pieces and to be told that my nephew shouldn’t be eating after me, really hurt, it made me very upset. I thought to myself that’s the button, it’s that stigma space and she doesn’t even realize that she is doing it. It the subtle things like this I’m talking about. I know that I can’t pass it to my nephew that way, I do know another instance if I had something else, that I would not allow him to be eating after me. All day long I have seen twitter retweets on correcting these words put out there and to me in this moment resembles stigmatic speech, I felt shamed into a corner the morning, and if Danny has read anything out there I wouldn’t be surprised if and when he understands it, that he may feel shamed to and backed into a corner. I don’t think that it’s done with this kind of intent, but it’s there. If we don’t put a higher emphasis on community togetherness, not reverting to the same shame tactics that we have been accustomed to, we could make a profound difference in more people speaking out. Going down that road only leads to people thinking they need to hide and stay in the shadows and suffer in silence. My hope when others stumble upon this, give it a moments pause and reflect on how we personally affect the world around us.