Too small to succeed

Spiritually I always wanted to be great, I was younger and didn’t have the problems I have now, Life was somewhat simple, then I realized that I was never going to be the same and that I did not have confidence in myself, that I really felt less than and I stopped dreaming, stop wanting better because it was not going to get better. I just didn’t have any incentive to be something because I am not straight, it’s eluded me since I woke up to sexuality.

So yeah I have been a challenge, because any good I have done or could do, doesn’t mean much to me because I am not straight. It’s been a life long dream, and even though other people are happy with who they are and want to be, it’s not me. I wish it was, but it’s not, and I still have this massive disconnect in my life. It’s not whole and I don’t know how to fill it. I don’t know how to be happy because it just doesn’t fit my life, I feel like happiness is for straight people, a meaningful future is for straight people, so many things.

I have been so unhappy, in want of something better, I can’t take being near other people nowadays.

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November untitled

Here goes, I spent $75 dollars on a mobile game i didn’t need to because I have been in depression deep and I could have just played my playstation, I could have spent that on my playstation plus account. I took a gamble and lost and that hurt.

Mostly I have just been in the dregs trying to figure out how to make my life feel better and it doesn’t. I want to commit suicide, almost everyday, and I never thought my life would be so out of control, but it is. I feel like I just don’t have control over my own life or feelings any more.

I want to have sex with my counselor so bad I cry at night, even though he is a type cast of men I never got to have an intimate relationship with because they were straight and, never available, and neither is he. It hurts anyway, always has after all of these years.

I often wonder why I have been always afraid to write down what I feel, I guess it’s because people get you to a point where you can’t trust them, you can’t trust what you say to them because I’m wrong move and it’s evidence against your entire state of being.

I have so many things stacked on me, my emotions, skin color, sexuality, beliefs, social status and I wonder if it ever gets better. I wonder if I can ever get to a true state of acceptance?

I just feel judged and judge myself because I don’t know how to cope with either choice I make, knowing full well that the pieces just won’t fit, no matter how hard I force them to, they just won’t.

So at times I feel that if I just die I can make the madness in my life go away. I don’t have to hide out, I don’t have to deal with hiv, sexual addiction, depression, loneliness, any of this garbage because I will just be dead and it will be the end of it.

Everyday feels like I am catching up from my childhood to my adulthood, that I am still just as stupid now as I was back then.

I want a better life and I know I don’t have it, even though I need it. I want my counselor to have sex with me even though I know he won’t dare, and it leaves me cold and empty and rejected inside, while everybody is moving ahead I am slowly dying inside, just dying.

6/9/2017

I have not written in a while and I have so much going on. I have been at a lost for words because I just want things in my life to feel less lonely to work. Instead I have just been riddled with problems and it’s not as easy as I thought to get a clean slate, it takes time. 

It’s all about attitude, mine has gone from positive to negative and I just want my mind made up as to who I am and what I want. I don’t want to be a problem for myself and others. 

It feels like the more I deny that I am gay the lonelier I get, but the more I try and embrace it, I never feel full, I just feel lonely even more. I hate it, but that’s where I am at, still trying to get better and it’s gets harder, and then more depression comes through, so I try and stay as occupied as possible.

Trying to move forward, alone but forward.

Same book different series 

There are things I never wanted with my life, divorced parents a gay dad, living on the poverty line, almost being homeless, wearing the same clothes and being gay.

I keep running into these persistent problems where I can’t feel anything or express anything without being in the hot seat at some point, always being reminded that I am being watched, and that it doesn’t feel like an open conversation, it feels like a growing problem all of the time with no good ending in sight. I just started temping here less than six months and it feels like today in this moment I just want to die and finish my earthly course cause this is not working being interrogated by your parent and I am an adult, at that and I feel like I never stop apologizing to someone about how I am not shit or good enough and watch others get a fairy tail and submerge into depression more and more. I am tired of it, the loneliness, the anger, the worthlessness, the fear, and above all the eventual hopelessness of it all. 

It hurts…and it feels like it will never go away…and it hurts to know that I have lived life in pain over a decade and I live in shitty ass darkness. Super unhappy and I just hold it in like I am eventually going to turn blue and expire. 

I just don’t know what to do to be happy and stay that way. I barley take pictures of myself not because I don’t think I don’t look good, but you can see the negative emotions on my face, the lost defeat that lives there, and it’s sad that I feel that way at all. Let alone for so many years.

Living my truth Depression

What is that Wall Street phrase we hear from time to time, to big to fail, at times that is what I feel like I have to be, to big to fail, when I’am to naive to see that I have failed in tremendous feats. I’am broke, jobless and so deep in depression that I loose interest in everything and even living, I can’t even feel my heart stir. I feel like I am not going to make it, I am not even sure if that is my goal anymore, I am not as a person thriving as I should be. My life is a situation of I can’t afford and I am becoming a burden, and the weights feel heavier after that, I feel like sit everytime I am reminded that out of everyone I know, I am and have continued to be the failure. When nothing excites me anymore and when people look so happy and I feel so dead inside and it’s my natural inclination to want to live but I just don’t know anymore. It’s like no one gets it, see’s it, that all I seem to have is all of this anger, this murderous rage in me, that I am tired of pretending that I am not one soft breeze away from completely falling over and spontaneously bursting into flames.

I feel that my life is in two directions, either get help or just die, those are the only two cards I have left. Yet here I am thinking how do I stop myself from looking like a looser. When so many people are successful in life and that is all I have ever wanted for myself, I simply just can’t seem to be equipped to handle it and I want to, I desperately want to be, but maybe it’s just not me, I could quite possibly not be everything people think that I am. Can I live with knowing that I am a disappointment.

Simple rant

So yes, I happen to be that current unemployed guy, who keeps putting in those applications and seems to not get much traction with it, I am sure I will. ¬†My biggest problem right now is family dynamics, it’s easy to say we love our family and we bump heads alot, right now we are under one roof, and even though I am unemployed I seem to get alot of stuff to do, most of which I do without being asked. My dynamic with my mother seems to be the worse, no matter how many skills I have its just not enough, I am horribly tired of feeling that I have to be on the defensive and ready to wave her away from my personal space because she doesn’t do a damn thing to learn to be self sufficient.

People need to stop saying they are independent if they are looking towards my skills for something they could pay and learn about, or go to one of those home Depot classes. My lower back has been hurting for days, and it’s a bit much today. I feel it in my right kidney, and it’s uncomfortable to move. Every time I have to deal with her I appreciate I suck dick, I do not want to be in a relationship with anyone of the opposite sex, especially if I have to deal with getting no help from a woman either, this is not a jab at women as a whole, we as men and women just know what we won’t tolerate in each other.

Me in the people department is not going really well either, I think I am ignoring my feelings because I don’t want to get more hurt than I already feel right now. When I try to engage in conversation with E.L. I feel as though I am gettin put off, everytI’m I think we are good and that we could get closer, it’s like the chain on the door that only let’s you see so much, but still keeps you left on the outside, that’s where I feel I am. It takes me back to the same beginning questions, is it my race, my age, my housing situation, is he embarrassed of me, or is he scared of telling me he isn’t into me? For a time I thought he might be married to a guy he used to date, I just didn’t know what to think because he just won’t give me much. Then I feel nothing but insecure, having to deal with all of it at the end wondering what’s next. It’s not easy feeling a connection to someone, and then wondering what’s going on. It’s always two ways with people either love is easy or your fighting for it, and to be honest I don’t get it.

I know that between fighting with family and not gaining friends or potential people to date I don’t feel really good I feel depressed. That’s why I don’t like trying to sell myself, that’s not how you get to really know anyone, that takes time, somethinks I feel as though I am running out of.