Moving spaces

In the process of moving one office space to the next. I am still thinking about a lot of things. When I think about my sexual addiction, it’s a hard thing to wrap my head around. It’s hard to deal with how I feel, it’s hard to move on from men I have feelings for, feeling that possessive nature of I don’t want to let go.

I want some distance with everything that I feel being gay and it feels like the hardest emotions to put down. It hurts, it’s the part of myself that no matter how much I am in the outer fringe I still don’t belong there. I want to have sex with my friends and not only do I feel different, but it feels like it’s not enough, and I feel hindered, I feel isolated, I feel intense shame.

I have never gotten a chance to fall madly in love or have relationships I didn’t have to hide or date.

Life has not kind and even though I know people that are single like me, they are not gay like me, have a sexual addiction or hiv. It’s harder not to reject myself more than others could, I feel scared about people knowing who I am and what’s going on with me that, I lie, I am ready to lie, before I am ready to come forward and say this is who I am as a person.

To feel threatened in my own skin, betrayed by my thoughts and feelings, to where I can’t have peace, when I need it.

It aggravates my life spiritually too and it’s not fair. That is the biggest hurdle to endure. Feeling like a person who lives two lives at once. For some they feel like they wouldn’t want to be straight if it were an option, and some days I feel that way too, I just know it’s not me, I just know to much and I also never found the man I felt I want to be with so there was never a hope to hold on to, I have just been living half hearted and I firmly believe that hurts just as much.

I have lost so much in my life it’s just a very miserable life to be living let alone enduring, and I don’t want that to be the kind of life I have to endure that I am forced to live, that hurts more than anything.

I am not angry with God at all, I am just bitter that I can’t be all the great things I wanted to be serving him. That I feel like I failed in life, no matter what I chose, how can I feel so different and yet strive to be a complete person all the same.


November untitled

Here goes, I spent $75 dollars on a mobile game i didn’t need to because I have been in depression deep and I could have just played my playstation, I could have spent that on my playstation plus account. I took a gamble and lost and that hurt.

Mostly I have just been in the dregs trying to figure out how to make my life feel better and it doesn’t. I want to commit suicide, almost everyday, and I never thought my life would be so out of control, but it is. I feel like I just don’t have control over my own life or feelings any more.

I want to have sex with my counselor so bad I cry at night, even though he is a type cast of men I never got to have an intimate relationship with because they were straight and, never available, and neither is he. It hurts anyway, always has after all of these years.

I often wonder why I have been always afraid to write down what I feel, I guess it’s because people get you to a point where you can’t trust them, you can’t trust what you say to them because I’m wrong move and it’s evidence against your entire state of being.

I have so many things stacked on me, my emotions, skin color, sexuality, beliefs, social status and I wonder if it ever gets better. I wonder if I can ever get to a true state of acceptance?

I just feel judged and judge myself because I don’t know how to cope with either choice I make, knowing full well that the pieces just won’t fit, no matter how hard I force them to, they just won’t.

So at times I feel that if I just die I can make the madness in my life go away. I don’t have to hide out, I don’t have to deal with hiv, sexual addiction, depression, loneliness, any of this garbage because I will just be dead and it will be the end of it.

Everyday feels like I am catching up from my childhood to my adulthood, that I am still just as stupid now as I was back then.

I want a better life and I know I don’t have it, even though I need it. I want my counselor to have sex with me even though I know he won’t dare, and it leaves me cold and empty and rejected inside, while everybody is moving ahead I am slowly dying inside, just dying.

Shade on me

The more I give to others who need me the more the distance grows, this should no longer be a mystery to me, it just means that I need to really use my perceptive powers to understand that I am not walking the same path as them. People don’t listen to what I have to say to them, to help them, I have travelled the roads of hard decisions and what I know applies.

The only thing I have burned my hand the most on is the gay community. I have felt like I don’t exist there and I have come to find out I really don’t exist in that space, I hold out hope for my own sake and I get burned, and that sting turns to harsh anger, because what can I do to change it around, I don’t feel as though there is anything left to do but walk completely away. I am tired of the games, if I am really honest with myself wanting to be better then I have no place with a people who won’t reach back, if I don’t learn this I won’t ever get better. I am tired of living in fear of two sets of people, I will either thrive or die trying to be accepted. I can’t do it, so shade on me for trying for not seeing I am a fool, that the clowns hat is on me and I am not even laughing alone just being judged and laughed at.

When it’s no longer the people it’s the culture

There have been many instances where I have come for the gay community and it’s becoming more and more apparent that there needs to be a facelift and a complete overhaul at how we have looked at each other, and treated each other.

It seems that even I need that refinement myself. Sometimes after an encounter I would feel the need to complain about how the community treats its own people. 

Past that it has just seemed to grow, from Craigslist to Grindr there are people from various ages or walks of life complaining about the games, people flaking, people being rude, all of the nudes, and the conversations that go nowhere. 

Pride was this last weekend and I talked to a friend who opted out of pride, now I never got an answer, but I have seen that from the FB posts he had been tired of all the bull coming from the community. All the comments that would be said, and I was completely aware of all of these things. I don’t understand how the community went from being out and proud to being looks and shallow.

Now it’s having sex with DL dudes, married and partnered or open relationship guys and people won’t pull away from technology to go organic like they should do. People don’t go out for drinks or beers like they could, people just put the wrong emphasis on situations, you can go out and get to know someone and that’s ok. People should be doing this more, I don’t understand it, when folks want to have a safe meet up instead they are getting interviewed when if you wanted to interview someone go grab a drink and quit playing around, people are about not having their time wasted and that is 99% of the time. 

FYI for all of these guys that say no response is a response, it’s not, I don’t know if you work a lot, if your in the shower in transit, so don’t be a child be a man and just say sorry I am not interest, or block someone it’s just that simple. So without body shaming, stop having half naked profile pics and pretend it’s not all you are, who lied to you…If you can’t catch a convo or dates being dressed it says a lot, young people do this a lot and then turn around and end up being rude AF.

Nude pics stop sending your nude pics and not coming off with an address, I…don’t…need…to…see…your naked pics. Stop giving people a complex, stop pissing people off, stop thinking that your attention, your self worth is based on exposure, it’s not.

I get reminded every so often to keep my distance from the gay community, it tends to fuck you up further and further and you feel empty handed.

Past 30 and gay

Navigating these waters happen to be getting difficult, I really can’t seem to catch a break and everything has changed, so much has changed. The internet is not really the place to meet people anymore. Every one has an excuse, when folks don’t like a situation they bail out, and if people do that with sex then imagine trying to date someone. 

People barely talk as it is, I keep giving them the benefit of a doubt and the fail right on time. The good thing about my life now is that I am at an age where to much has happened to me and I don’t care, I will not be bothered with people and situations I have no power over. Those words are true for a reason. For me it’s not about the fact of what people are saying is true or not. I just don’t care and I refuse to be bothered by what people will or won’t do or how they represent themselves. It’s true it’s the people not the community at times.

Now going back to the community there is such a toxic element in it that is just making it really bad, the colorism and the ageism, are two big factors. It has not changed in fact it has gotten worse. Filtering out people based on color is NOT a preference, again NOT a preference. Hair color, eye color, height, age, body type, cut uncut are preferences. Even though I don’t like the ageism either, but when people will mess around with a willing married person I really have to question people’s thinking.

The community would be a whole lot better if it learned to communicate and stop playing games. The more I learn, the more I realize that talking to people face to face has so many benefits to it. Just knowing how people feel and knowing and feeling that there is no real expectation for sex unless it’s offered. So I have gone to this place called Flex I have enjoyed it because it’s an atmosphere that I can be myself and not feel judged, I know that not everyone will be attracted to me but I don’t care, it’s the organic nature of being in someone’s company that really helps, that takes a degree of the hurt away. 

We have become a community of hurt and not the community that was originally started out as. People filter their own existence away, people just don’t represent themselves with the pride they say they have and they have taken that away from so many other people as well. It’s looks not substance, not personality, but superficial aires. People treat themselves like plastic surgery cutting away flaws they don’t want for themselves or other people.


Most things found on these apps is that there is a cut off limit to atractivness and apparently it’s 30. Strangers in passing are still astounded that I look young for 33 I do I know I do and when I want to I can shave off my facial hair or my chest hair and let my youth shine through, but is that really being myself or is that playing to an advantage that helps me out? To be honest it’s an advantage, yet I hate that my attraction is limited to my age, it’s narrow and immature. Granted I also love how the community has a wide range of folks with various interests when it comes to men, still the focus should be on interests not all of these basic tropes, that people are lost on. It’s yes foolish and very childish, people have grown in to a deep hole of me first and screw everyone else. We miss experience and opportunities to learn about people and who they are and why this community is as a whole. People are comfortable and that is a very dangerous pedestal to be sitting on, it can lead to a equally dangerous fall. That’s why I don’t stay with these apps long because they kill me emotionally inside, and year after year it’s the same faces looking but not finding what they are looking for.

It’s my fault

Money at times can be hard to come by and trying to save it for things I use it on or people is not something I have on tap, so when it was taken from me, I realized that that situation was my fault, an older guy told me at Flex, he does not meet people on the internet because you don’t know them, ironic how I did not head that lesson, what’s even more hilarious the guy who took my money was not even my first pick, I called up someone before him and got tired of being put off so then I called someone else, my lust and greed stabbed me all over with pain I was not really ready for. So it’s time to cut it all off, all over again, it’s time to embrace the decade of sealing, sealing off all of my gay feelings for good this time, people are becoming worse and worse, so the likely hood of me finding what I need and want is really not going to happen, and I am finally ok with that. 

I stayed up late last night into the early a.m. Because I was still rattled by what happened to me, I should not have engaged,  period.

All of my sins

See, men, sex, wanting it, and myself, have been my problems, I was find before I crossed the line back into porn, it lead to a lot of problems, today I paid for sex, sex that didn’t happen because I was stupid enough to pay upfront and trust a total stranger who went out of his way to take my money, send me on a wild goose chase and ignore my calls. 

This situation is all my fault and I am out of money because of it, I failed myself and though so little of who I am that I needed to be that person. Not only did it hurt, and yes I did report him, but that’s not the point I was so arrogant and naive, trusting and greedy that I put myself in a situation where someone stole money from me that’s hard to come by.

It makes me really want to be alone and stay as far away from men even more, cause I have a problem and the problem is me, it always has been and I am so embarrassed because it really made me look at myself in a way that I really didn’t thing I needed to keep on living, it’s like how could I have been so seriously stupid and reckless. 

Life is less and less about fun and games and it turns into more heart break, let down, regret, and more anger. I had to keep myself from wishing harm upon that person, because I should have just left all of it alone and that’s my lesson and it’s my sin and it’s my fault.