The good days

It’s March, and I have been writing in to a black podcast basically giving reviews for Scandal. It feels great to be writing, it feels good to be in a space that has allowed me to write and take advantage of their generosity on the podcast. I just try to be myself and use my voice in an informative way, I feel that this is keeping me happy and mentally balanced.

Even though I am without a counselor right now I am still using the tools he gave me, I still have real crappy days, yet realizing that I have a potential that I want to find out what it is and grow and cultivate it. Also I am feeling more spiritual in my life and it has been working out. When I have needed direction I have received it, that’s a good feeling to experience.


Emotions, know better

I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels. 

It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.

I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away. 

I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?

Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.

What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.

Shade on me

The more I give to others who need me the more the distance grows, this should no longer be a mystery to me, it just means that I need to really use my perceptive powers to understand that I am not walking the same path as them. People don’t listen to what I have to say to them, to help them, I have travelled the roads of hard decisions and what I know applies.

The only thing I have burned my hand the most on is the gay community. I have felt like I don’t exist there and I have come to find out I really don’t exist in that space, I hold out hope for my own sake and I get burned, and that sting turns to harsh anger, because what can I do to change it around, I don’t feel as though there is anything left to do but walk completely away. I am tired of the games, if I am really honest with myself wanting to be better then I have no place with a people who won’t reach back, if I don’t learn this I won’t ever get better. I am tired of living in fear of two sets of people, I will either thrive or die trying to be accepted. I can’t do it, so shade on me for trying for not seeing I am a fool, that the clowns hat is on me and I am not even laughing alone just being judged and laughed at.

I came to love me

Examples, experience, actions, in the name of love, in order to find it, we need to embrace self love, the kind that helps us deserve and give the best. The kind of love that has us thinking of the other person and how being with someone can add to their happiness. Yet do we do the work to add to our own happiness. Broke down cars can’t fix themselves and buildings don’t build themselves, it takes work, at times it takes other helping hands, at times it takes our own.

True pure love, that motivates us to be our best can rub off on others, it can help us to be less critical, it can help us to reason that some people and in some situations not every body is receptive or ready to receive love. Yet you could have also worked the soil for something to grow. 

It’s easy to be mad or simply enraged at situations that we do not full understand. Our happiness is our own and it can also be a tool to teach others, why? It’s a healing to who we are, we thrive and we are healthy when we are happy. So I may not be a doctor but I am writing a prescription for everyone to love yourself as many times as needed daily. Let that never be in short supply.

Iamstilljosh does it again

This week I read a post from him linked to his twitter and he talked about why he quit asking hookups if it was OK that he was living with Hiv? When I read that it really resounded with me in an amazing way. For such a long time we happen to be at the mercy of public opinion and usually it has not been a good thing. When I sat down and read this genius I understood that, how long did we need to exist with people being able to control our happiness, and after a while you either give up or you work your situation to your benefit. New scientific information comes out almost all of the time and people are no more educated than they have been ten years ago, even five. I hate that even in a technological age people who have sex uneducated about all of the risks going in still judge those living with hiv who are educated in their health and how to have sex in a healthy way and people are still running scared, and rejecting those who have their lives together and have put the work in.

He helped me see that validation does not come from other people who just dont have a clue and think they exist in the clear, people are still having unprotected sex and continue to judge the sexual habits of those living with hiv, its just wrong. It wasn’t until I saw a firecracker of a question he asked, “Are you up-to-date and in the know about what undetectable means?” It put the light on, it is so simple and really puts the ball in the other person’s court, to me I saw it as how well do they really know whats going on out there and are they being responsible about there own sexual activity. To me that question did mean like he said, that you could keep your dignity and if they could not answer the question then what do you have to loose anymore, no one really has to feel humiliated, no one perpetuating stigma, and that we can transition to something better. That is what we really need, a transition to something worthwhile and a chance to be met on the same page as everyone else has, to meet on the front porch on equal footing, and smile with happiness to look at someone else and realize that they chose you and were happy to do so. So before thinking that living with hiv means you cant have happiness think again, cause those times are over.

The fuck boy mentality

If I had taken the time to closely look at myself, I would have realized that I have a fuck boy mentality, that I am a standard basic fuck boy, who is not making the progress that I would hope that I would have been making. I have just put so much of my life in sex that I lack relationship qualities, so what brought me to this post today?

I got a text today from the last person I though that I would be hooking up with, I thought he was gone and just to find out who it was, I just instantly jumped at the chance to hook up…I realize that I am still in the old frame of mind where I don’t think like I should, that its ok to say no, or make up any reason necessary that I have moved on. I know that I have not taken the time out to realize that it really damages me to continue on this path, to think that I would say no to a guy who looks tatted up and muscular like he does that why wouldn’t I run his way, to be honest I want to be left alone, to figure me out. The problem is, that I have myself convinced that I need him, that I need to fuck him, that I am not shit, or important if I am not having sex with him, and to be honest it hurts, most of all I am afraid that I did not even fully realize that it hurts that I could doing this is the last thing I really want to do.

It’s the sting of loneliness that deceives me, and I let it. I should not let sex or being single dictate my ability to be happy, that is the single heinous crime I could ever commit upon myself. Another problem to that issue is that I live with the understanding that looks, body image, and penis size and skin color are the rule of the community instead of personality, compatibility chemistry, then looks. I just want out out of all of this chaos, I want out of the expectations, I want out of the unrealistic expectations, I want out of the harm, to myself and others.

I feel as though I am not sure how to dig deep how to stay out of my own way, fuck boy is not a label I want to carry or promote with pride. I want to have someone to go home to, someone to have some real genuine memories with, I want everytime I look into his or her eyes that I know I won at the end of the day. Any one knows that being a fuck boy wont give you that, it just gives you more people to add to my number and that is also not a goal to reach for or achieve either. I don’t want to experience missed opportunities, but I really need to decide what it is that I want to not miss out on.