I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels.
It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.
I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away.
I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?
Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.
What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.
The more I give to others who need me the more the distance grows, this should no longer be a mystery to me, it just means that I need to really use my perceptive powers to understand that I am not walking the same path as them. People don’t listen to what I have to say to them, to help them, I have travelled the roads of hard decisions and what I know applies.
The only thing I have burned my hand the most on is the gay community. I have felt like I don’t exist there and I have come to find out I really don’t exist in that space, I hold out hope for my own sake and I get burned, and that sting turns to harsh anger, because what can I do to change it around, I don’t feel as though there is anything left to do but walk completely away. I am tired of the games, if I am really honest with myself wanting to be better then I have no place with a people who won’t reach back, if I don’t learn this I won’t ever get better. I am tired of living in fear of two sets of people, I will either thrive or die trying to be accepted. I can’t do it, so shade on me for trying for not seeing I am a fool, that the clowns hat is on me and I am not even laughing alone just being judged and laughed at.
This week I read a post from him linked to his twitter and he talked about why he quit asking hookups if it was OK that he was living with Hiv? When I read that it really resounded with me in an amazing way. For such a long time we happen to be at the mercy of public opinion and usually it has not been a good thing. When I sat down and read this genius I understood that, how long did we need to exist with people being able to control our happiness, and after a while you either give up or you work your situation to your benefit. New scientific information comes out almost all of the time and people are no more educated than they have been ten years ago, even five. I hate that even in a technological age people who have sex uneducated about all of the risks going in still judge those living with hiv who are educated in their health and how to have sex in a healthy way and people are still running scared, and rejecting those who have their lives together and have put the work in.
He helped me see that validation does not come from other people who just dont have a clue and think they exist in the clear, people are still having unprotected sex and continue to judge the sexual habits of those living with hiv, its just wrong. It wasn’t until I saw a firecracker of a question he asked, “Are you up-to-date and in the know about what undetectable means?” It put the light on, it is so simple and really puts the ball in the other person’s court, to me I saw it as how well do they really know whats going on out there and are they being responsible about there own sexual activity. To me that question did mean like he said, that you could keep your dignity and if they could not answer the question then what do you have to loose anymore, no one really has to feel humiliated, no one perpetuating stigma, and that we can transition to something better. That is what we really need, a transition to something worthwhile and a chance to be met on the same page as everyone else has, to meet on the front porch on equal footing, and smile with happiness to look at someone else and realize that they chose you and were happy to do so. So before thinking that living with hiv means you cant have happiness think again, cause those times are over.
I felt as though there was someone calling me out of my sleep, not the type of morning I intended to have, I checked my tablet to see my mail, got an offer for a three some last night that I didn’t see, I was sleeping. There are moments that have me wondering how these people know each other, how can they pull a 20 year old out of thin air? I realize then I am getting off track, my goal is to stop needless sex, the kind that doesn’t get you a relationship or the guy that I am after. My goal always seemed to find the a great looking genuine redhaired guy date settle down get married and all that jazz. Doesn’t always go down that way, when sometimes you find better men than I originally thought.
Call me crazy, there are days it really does not move me to want sex with just any guy, I want E.L. I have wanted him for some time, I don’t see him as someone filling in for who I really want. I have felt over time that I desire him and want to be with him. I have not thought that far ahead as to what’s next if he doesn’t want me either, it can happen, I personally wouldn’t want that outcome. That’s why I feel it necessary to move out of the sex catagory of my life. Sex has been fun, I just want to know a balance between love and sex, know the difference. Just have one person to go home to, learn to date without sex, learn about someone and be OK with that, not have Sex define my relationships with people. How freeing that would feel, I will have to touch on Sex and race soon too, it’s been a hard type of situation to deal with as well.
Recently there has been a swell of talk in reference to Apps and if they are the cause of STD’s and people catching them. I will keep this simple and plain. Wear a condom, an app will help you find a person on the fly. If you get to your destination and you don’t have a condom, and they don’t and you manage to have that 60 seconds or less conversation of when is the last time you had sex, and hopefully no flags go off, and your feeling a go 70-80% about this person and it goes down, we have to own that, we need to own that. Not the Tinder, Grinder, or what ever occupies our time is responsible for not screening people. There is a window where the infection is in play and you have a serious chance of bee lining right into it.
Can we be adult now? Even if you choose to omit that maybe you were on a roll one week or one month, that there has been a lapse in our personal response to wrapping it up? Have you been hit, been a repeat doctor visit offender? When articles like this come out, that tells me that we need to get organic, talk before we hump, no I’m serious about this. This is not just out to the Hiv community this is a global roll call, No one wants to be that person, let alone that repeat offender. What this should help us really see and meditate on is that we need to ask ourselves and I being safe? Do I have some dependency on others to provide a condom? Could I just be too trusting taking others at face value? Do I still feel invincible when i should be looking for red flags, or protecting myself more?
All in all, when we take away accountability, place it on who helped me the person who burned me, then people loose their right to justifiable free speech, meaning you condemn in hypocrisy, not because we as people get around, its that we do but pass the buck and walk away at the end of the day.