Shade on me

The more I give to others who need me the more the distance grows, this should no longer be a mystery to me, it just means that I need to really use my perceptive powers to understand that I am not walking the same path as them. People don’t listen to what I have to say to them, to help them, I have travelled the roads of hard decisions and what I know applies.

The only thing I have burned my hand the most on is the gay community. I have felt like I don’t exist there and I have come to find out I really don’t exist in that space, I hold out hope for my own sake and I get burned, and that sting turns to harsh anger, because what can I do to change it around, I don’t feel as though there is anything left to do but walk completely away. I am tired of the games, if I am really honest with myself wanting to be better then I have no place with a people who won’t reach back, if I don’t learn this I won’t ever get better. I am tired of living in fear of two sets of people, I will either thrive or die trying to be accepted. I can’t do it, so shade on me for trying for not seeing I am a fool, that the clowns hat is on me and I am not even laughing alone just being judged and laughed at.

It feels good to feel different

It feels good, this change that is going on in my life, it feels like a prayer answered I don’t want to test it, I just feel like I have some self control in my life again, I had to let go of some folks and not by much choice at all, but that is another blog for itself on that one. I feel like I have started over and i don’t want this feeling to go away, it’s as though I stepped out into the sun and it burned off all my regrets and past mistakes, I still have the bat sit crazy dreams from time to time and my eyes have been abnormally dry, I have to say it feels great not feeling intense moments of being attracted to men and just keeping my thoughts focused. Cause its good to feel hungry but it’s for spiritual growth and that’s what I need more, I feel like I am growing as a person too, because I can get so wild and out of control when I binge on porn and I don’t like that version of myself so I just really need men in an entirety out of my life, and that shouldn’t be so hard because it all in my head and that’s a battlefield.

Still I am happy and that is a great feeling to have as well to be able to express. It does not mean I don’t accept my reality I just want more for myself something even more real, building a relationship with someone who has mattered even more to me but that connection has been one of the hardest ones to just focus one, my relationship with God.

The yellow brick road turned into a lump of coal

Things transpire all around us without warning, the very thing you feel that you put out in the universe gifts itself in ways that you did not count on happening in the first place. When I am working on turning a page, I get something or someone I did not need to trip me up. So here it is the fourth of July, and I have to find the words and the courage to tell an incredibly hot guy that I’may trying to get my life right, that I am not going to hook up with him like I used to before he left some time ago…It’s just not fair, I never thought he was coming back and he just went radio silent, yeah yeah I know it’s called ghosting, oh well.

I am just working on not jumping at every chance to get laid, even though now I have this emotional mentality to do so, not wanting to miss out, just being totally self centered, that’s not good for me, it’s just isolated me even further, I wonder if there is a bigger term for a totally withdrawn introvert like myself.

Coming to terms with trying to cope with this life and turn a worn penny into a hundred dollar bill takes time and focus and intrest, which might I add from time to time seems to slip. What do I do, when I want to hook up, but I want a relationship, but I want to hookup even more, and if I send this guy away that’s it, no more hot tatted muscular tight ass. Usually that’s a serious no brainer, just lay that pipe for all its worth, he wants it and he text messaged me for it. I just want to be able to look at me and say I can do better, my potential is more than this. I don’t know his full situation, and I just avoid it because I don’t want the drama, that I know I will get period. I just don’t want to feel like I am the only guy feeling that relationships are not a thing of the ancient distant past. It’s just aggravating to get there.

Then over the weekend I got a small ray of optimism, I happened to be on a Facebook page of a white guy who was at the time I saw looked like he was dating an Asian man, turned out he was married to him, which I realized that when his last name was hyphenated to yang. It changed things for me when I realized that yeah, some people love the partner that they are with they are not afraid to take every part of that person with them, that it means something more, that helped me to love interracial couples even more. I still feel as though they are the turning page to communities, that they bring a brighter light at times. That they and others who really get it, give me a reason for hope, that keep me from rolling my eyes into a solar eclipse every damn time I have to think how do I attract a mate while believing I am good enough and being confident in who I am without coming off as dead in some emotional compasity.

So I write these entries, to remind myself to want more, to reach for more, to inspire someone needing something whenever they feel that need, to press on not because it’s hard, but you get that feeling inside that there is something for you if I just get past these life trials.

4/26/2016

It can be a challenge to wake up and feel motivated towards anything now a days. It is a daily battle to keep myself going, to feel like I matter, to not take so many things personal or as an attack on my character personally, that can be quite difficult and at times it has been. I have had this urge to hate my life so much that I have just wanted to end it. Long before I had hiv and coming to terms with that, navigating what I perceive is a book on life on how to find your way. Finding that there are so many levels to life and the things you have to deal with day to day.

Fighting to stay off anti-depressants, that has been a complete chore, my visit to my therapist have become frequent, to be honest I feel that I have to be cautious around him to, around so many people because I never know or understand that what I say and how I say it will be taken, I feel it is literally a life or death sentence that will keep me free or have me locked up because I lack the intelligence to keep my life in order. I struggle to have meaning in my life and I know that may sound quite stupid, most people have their life together, most people have that path that a first glance has everything going on for them, it has always put me in a position to wonder why my life sucks and when if ever will I have my own life to be proud of.

Don’t get me started about the fact that I am single and have not had the courage to be better about it, that I know I am struggling with sex over intimacy, that I have felt that people don’t like me and really don’t have an interest in getting to know me as a person. I admit I need some serious work in that area, I have to be reasonable that not everyone is attracted to people with low self-esteem. It does go back to having pride in ourselves, I was not put on this earth to please other people I have to say it is unrealistic. Everyone has criticism yet so few people have realistic solutions, we judge and we throw the book and the stones hard on ourselves and others. It always feels at times that I have no idea who I end up offending or on the outs for saying something that I did not understand was a bad thing, I have enough rational to understand that people are strangers that it takes time to get to know people, I try to make an effort to be transparent I don’t want to play games I don’t need to play them, that should be the point being an adult.

All I have ever wanted in my life is love, just someone to call and wake up next, to, feel a strong bond and honest connection to I feel I have too much to give to the right person, I know I am lazy towards that, I know that I am so scared at putting myself on the line again and again, feeling that I am empty handed, watching people live their dreams and just being so bitter about it. Feeling so angry I just wanted to kill the concept of love entirely, it became so maddening that no matter where I turned love was for everyone but me. Most of my music is longing for love and sex, two opposing passions and yet so raw and primal at the same time, it’s deep and has layers.

I just want to feel that I am succeeding in life instead of feeling like all is fail, so I need to keep this quote in mind. Dark Squidge aka Tomska said a quote I could not help but need to put out ther again, failure isn’t fucking up its giving up.

New Hope: Mother to Child

I read and article how a mother in NewYork who is hiv positive, on medication gave birth to a child and there was an official report, that mother to child transmission of hiv did not happen, there was no transmission. To me this is huge, It happened it Cuba and now it’s state side, it’s an amazing feeling even though I am a man. For me it means that hiv had went from a massive epidemic that progressed to a deadly autoimmune virus killing people to being managed to now giving rise to families and now re-uniting that pure physical emotional bond between a mother and a child.

Yes all these steps have taken time, there is still work that is going on, yet the light is on and it’s been on, more people are just catching the glimpse of it, and it keeps changing until it becomes this lighthouse guiding us to safe land, helping us make our way to the other side. So we keep the light on, helping others find there way, keeping it lit so they never find a road leading into darkness.