I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels.
It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.
I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away.
I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?
Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.
What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.
Learn from what I have been trying to tell you. Every time I get into that trench I fight a war, a war you don’t have to fight, yet through it I am learning endurance, I don’t need people to agree with how I feel, I have been the one alone, I have been the one loosing, I have been the one who has to get back up and pick up my own emotions and duck for cover hiding in shame.
I told you before and I feel like you still don’t get it, I chose my Christianity for me, it doesn’t make me less gay at all. I know I am and I will make my piece with it. I am not a part of Christianity that is a cancer and plague to what it really stands for, and I will dash people to pieces who think they can continue to rub it in the mud with their blood money and satanic ideals. Maybe you didn’t hear me when I said gay men were trash and have continued to be so, they are not the ones picking me up, they are not there when I am depressed and down and need someone, they are just too vain to notice, they are just the people I fuck and apparently will be nothing more than that until I can just move on in piece from that. That is what the community has turned into and there are not enough people who can stop them and turn it around.
Understand and read my words clearly, I am who I need to be of my own choosing.
See, men, sex, wanting it, and myself, have been my problems, I was find before I crossed the line back into porn, it lead to a lot of problems, today I paid for sex, sex that didn’t happen because I was stupid enough to pay upfront and trust a total stranger who went out of his way to take my money, send me on a wild goose chase and ignore my calls.
This situation is all my fault and I am out of money because of it, I failed myself and though so little of who I am that I needed to be that person. Not only did it hurt, and yes I did report him, but that’s not the point I was so arrogant and naive, trusting and greedy that I put myself in a situation where someone stole money from me that’s hard to come by.
It makes me really want to be alone and stay as far away from men even more, cause I have a problem and the problem is me, it always has been and I am so embarrassed because it really made me look at myself in a way that I really didn’t thing I needed to keep on living, it’s like how could I have been so seriously stupid and reckless.
Life is less and less about fun and games and it turns into more heart break, let down, regret, and more anger. I had to keep myself from wishing harm upon that person, because I should have just left all of it alone and that’s my lesson and it’s my sin and it’s my fault.
How do we teach our children to navigate the world? how do we view the world from your perspective? Do you feel safe, do you want to feel safe? Do you even have the right to feel safe, I feel that is the bigger question to be asked. For generations people of color have had to navigate how to survive the police, to us its a way of life. Its a life that you know nothing about, you have never had to have stories handed down to you about the history of our black skin, or latino skin or Asian skin.
When is the last time you have ever been told who and where to hang out with what times to not be somewhere because if your there you must be looking for trouble. For what little progress has transpired I wonder now how this all ends, black has been how it always has been labeled, something to fear something dirty, something animalistic. Its amazing how we are always viewed as such because that is how most of you see us all the time, the ones who bring in the crime, drugs, and looting, and burning down blocks. Has it at any time in your existence, that you wonder why we as a people have had to act that way, with such fury? I know it has something to do with you killing us, at every turn, because its not enough that slaves endured it, you want to bring that to us no matter where we are with no end in sight. Despite all of that we have had to learn to navigate around police, cause its in your nature to harass us, instead of welcoming us in, instead of showing us that we did not endure all the hardship for nothing. We cant even make a honest living without being questioned to how we got what we worked hard for and why we think we deserve what we have worked hard to get.
I hate that I have watched this legacy continue, that either through the news or through youtube the common thread is harassment and speaking the words that mothers and fathers have passed down to their children, for their survival, not for fun, but you would not know anything about it, when has that ever applied to your life, cause everywhere I turn, every time I have to hear about police interaction with police i wonder what if anything at all could and black person, or people of color could actually do to survive anymore.