Today I don’t know

You know when you get to that point in your life, when you want your life to be interesting, and you just don’t know where to go or how to get there?

I feel like I am at that place all over again. I still feel as though I am trying to find a better version of myself that is not wrapped up in sex, and I feel rejected inside and out. I feel like I am rejecting me and other people inside and out because of my insecurities. It hurts feeling as though I am standing still and nothing is right.

I feel like I just want to be left alone, that I want to just fade away. I feel like a really bad person just because of who I am and all of my life experiences and choices, and it sucks, it really sucks, when life as a whole had turned its back on you. That who you once were and who you are have never really been enough and I don’t know where to cut the cord.

I can’t be a part of people’s lives where I don’t fit and really shouldn’t be either, but I don’t feel like I have grown into the person I should be and feel, so I don’t feel I should be there either.


Iamstilljosh does it again

This week I read a post from him linked to his twitter and he talked about why he quit asking hookups if it was OK that he was living with Hiv? When I read that it really resounded with me in an amazing way. For such a long time we happen to be at the mercy of public opinion and usually it has not been a good thing. When I sat down and read this genius I understood that, how long did we need to exist with people being able to control our happiness, and after a while you either give up or you work your situation to your benefit. New scientific information comes out almost all of the time and people are no more educated than they have been ten years ago, even five. I hate that even in a technological age people who have sex uneducated about all of the risks going in still judge those living with hiv who are educated in their health and how to have sex in a healthy way and people are still running scared, and rejecting those who have their lives together and have put the work in.

He helped me see that validation does not come from other people who just dont have a clue and think they exist in the clear, people are still having unprotected sex and continue to judge the sexual habits of those living with hiv, its just wrong. It wasn’t until I saw a firecracker of a question he asked, “Are you up-to-date and in the know about what undetectable means?” It put the light on, it is so simple and really puts the ball in the other person’s court, to me I saw it as how well do they really know whats going on out there and are they being responsible about there own sexual activity. To me that question did mean like he said, that you could keep your dignity and if they could not answer the question then what do you have to loose anymore, no one really has to feel humiliated, no one perpetuating stigma, and that we can transition to something better. That is what we really need, a transition to something worthwhile and a chance to be met on the same page as everyone else has, to meet on the front porch on equal footing, and smile with happiness to look at someone else and realize that they chose you and were happy to do so. So before thinking that living with hiv means you cant have happiness think again, cause those times are over.

Living his truth Colton Haynes: Free at last

Before it has you wondering, no this is not a Martin Luther King Jr, speach, yet in its likeness, do we understand the fundamental need to be living your own personal truth? When Colton Haynes was given a HRC Visability award, he could not help but be moved to tears, his emotions at this point is a very important part of this freedom, as we know the tears were not for the award, they were in recognition of his freedom, his right to step out into the light, to be himself in full light of view with everyone to see and to accept at this point. Those tears were for once in his life the masks could no longer hold him down, no longer would he be a man in his own iron mask. No longer would he be know from trials from his past and how his image is viewed in the present.

From that point forward on that stage, he got to be Colton Haynes, model, actor, designer and gay American, that man on that stage at that podium was a free man, and for anyone who understands what it is like to have a part of who they are hidden away, or feeling that shame of being different in a world that is absolutely against who you are and what it means and what it stands for, then you personally can understand the need to be free, not just equal but above all free.

We can talk about the need to be equal, and as important as that is, people still find themselves prisoners brought on by these systemic laws and regulations ment to be divisive. Freedom is God given right that despite how we believe or worship should not be taken for granted…ever, it’s in this time that I was able to look at what Colton said and how he presented himself that really got me thinking about how he reacted to Noah and has me wondering myself if I would do the same.

Right now I as I type these words and keep an open mind, I also want to keep focused on freedom and why it needs to be fought for so hard, and how freedom of those who have it and those who strive to attain it can be a dangerous thing for us who struggle to get there, yet in those moments that when we do happen upon it, do we really remember how it feels to taste how sweet that notion is, to have the weight lifted and to be able to breath in deep and exhale all of the past troubles away can we really say free at last!

Colton Haynes Coming Out to Out Magazine pt1.

Let me start out by saying again, that this is my opinion and that you may not agree with my view point, yet it is my view point based on what Colton has put out there, and also what has been discovered through his career.

It was yesterday that i found out that Colton Haynes officially came out in May 2016 through Entertainment Weekly, I remember seeing an off ended post form Colton that hinted and suggested that he never really hid his sexuality and had been out that post had been some time back. I though nothing of it, because its the usual smokescreen of mind your business, regardless of the fact that since 2011 when Colton was on Teen Wolf for two seasons after the XY covershoot in 2006 when it surfaced and put him in a spotlight he was not ready for. Since 2010 and now being out in 2016 there have been a good number of celebrities who have taken a hold of their lives and lived their truth. Caitlyn Jenner, Tim Cook, Miley Cyrus, Keegan Hirst, Sam Stanley, David Denson, Ramona Bachmann, Ty Herndon, Billy Gilman, Lily Rose-Depp,  Jonathan Rachel Clynch, Jess Glynne, Matt Cage, Adam Rippon, Cara Delevingne, Jussie Smollett, Nyle DiMarco, Michael Sam, Ellen Page, Tyler Glenn, Connor Franta, Ruby Rose, Sam Smith, Lauren, Neidigh, Rob Kearney, Ian Thorpe, etc.

What has me questioning Colton more and more came after I read part of and interview with Colton Haynes, note not the entire interview through Out Magazine, verse his coming out in May of this year. The whole situation has not felt like a genuine biopic, what it has managed to come across as a slam piece against Noah Galvin for his comments that dropped his name in it. What confused me the most about this upcoming article is that he already made a statement. So when the topic is coming back up again in this interview for Out Magazine, instead of centering solely what everyone wants to know is about his coming out and why he waited so long, I was very turned off. It really gave me the impression that he was taking another shot at Noah Galvin and drag him, and Colton will not get any sympathy from me on this. The one time to really focus on his message and what his goals are now when i take the time out to read the article in September I will also look at this as an attention grab like the Callum McSwiggen incident, it reeks so bad and that is not how i thought this would be going down.

Truth be told it seems and feels very taboo to talk about or even have an opinion on those who come out. Usually that does not happen, usually the only criticism comes form people wanting rape or death to those who come out,sad but very true. Colton coming out and doing what he has needed to do for his own mental and emotional health is more than fine. I do not find that it helps that oh now he is doing this exclusive with Out Magazine so closely with Callum and Noah still in the wind of being current news. The reason why I have made mention of Callum is that now when White gays come out and say something now its looked at as a needed attention grab and reflects poorly upon the gay community as a whole, but white gays get away with far more and are held accountable less and people pour out support without understanding the premise. Now Noah Galvin made the comment he did based on what Colton not clarifying his coming out, that is on him and not on Noah, because so many people go that route and 2010 and beyond has been a big decade for people and celebrities to come out so his timing is very suspect and the reason why people don’t see that as being the issue is that his team went about scrubbing away his XY covershoot, and now this story that can not be verified that his father took his life due to his coming out. There are just holes and its very inconsistent, it comes across as Colton did this interview to personally attention grab, he has been off the TV scene for some time and even though actor’s and actresses want to protect their image and have opportunities for more roles in life, so I feel like why now, and with so many, many men and women coming out that if you did not need the attention or that Colton really did not feel like lying anymore or did not want sympathy then why wait? Hell even Charlie Carver came out on instagram and he was on the same teen wolf show also on HBO and is making his life work for him without being extra or messy.

I realize that my my blog post seems more angry than it seems as though its pointing out facts and that has a point, so if you missed it here it is. Colton Haynes is giving me an impression that he needs attention and to stay in the spotlight regardless of the fact that he removed himself some time ago. He has had time and opportunity to get his story out there and do it in his own way, he has had plenty of time. I think that it is messy to use his father’s death since he was told it he caused it by coming out, and since no one will know the truth why make that a focal point of his coming out, when he never really made it sound like they were horribly estranged and to be honest this happens in gay life all of the time, plenty of gay men and women are told horrible and hurtful things that have nothing to do with them. Also with so many other celebs coming out and the climate changing it just does not leave Colton with much credibility at this point and as I can understand about not being ready, but how you come across in that matter had different consequences for others who cant protect themselves while feeling the need to come out. Also he is not the only actor or actress to face daunting pressure about their sexuality, like Wentworth Miller, I remember Perez Hilton being all over him about his sexuality until he made the move on his own terms to come out.

This is pretty much horrible to say, but even after Orlando it would have been the best time to come out since his fathers death had impacted his own sexuality at the time. I feel that I would have respected that to some degree even though people would have been mad at that too. Between death and sexuality at that point since he came out in May and this took place in June, I would have looked at him as someone who understood the impact on not having resolved issues, his father knew a part of who Colton is, but for the victims in the Orlando Pulse shooting that is the first time people knew their truth.

I look forward to reading the interview in its entirety and seeing how my view had either differed or stayed the same when i read it.

When straight acting has gone all kinds of wrong


This topic is a bout straight acting and my corresponding feelings on the subject, I understand that people will always feel one way or another on this subject matter, so here is my take I talk about adult subjects in adult language and sex is right up in it, understand that what I write may not be for you, thank you for reading.


What is this deal with straight acting, I feel it has become a life of its own, upon me the gay community and how “straight acting” has taken on a life of its own. For most if not all of my life I have just been lost on the concept of sleeping with women, the whole transition of I can have the “D” but also come home to the “P” and have no guilt whatsoever about who I have sex with, why, because I could have it all, and even if I was more attracted to guys then I was with women I could always keep my options open, who would not love that?

Then we really have to come to the perspective, that gay men live in this atmosphere of straight acting, like the second they settled on a penis that their masculinity became invalid. Tell me what is the point of being a full on gold or silver star gay man if you have to be straight acting, that is the community motto? That is Palm Springs that is the new White Party? No, the more I had some time to self-reflect on how I am living my truth, my life and I will be completely honest, sex addiction aside, I want “the pussy” yes I said it, in Lafayette True Blood voice, yes in all that glory. Baby I have been on my back with a guy eating me out having my eyes roll back and I have been totally thinking about how this feels on a woman, are her breasts to my liking, do we have kids, a nice house and is our marriage stable? Mind you the sex was defiantly on point, for me I know talking like that pisses people off.

When people are not all in for the community it is a national scandal, you cannot be that gay man trying to sleep around with woman, it’s as though you are breaking your gay vows. I do not understand this, yet there are a good number of things about people and their sexual personalities that I do not get. I understand this notion though, I am getting laid and I know that I don’t have to worry about catching feelings because when we are straight acting there is very little truth to who you or I have to be. We fuck and you leave, no number no kik, snapchat, or twitter on this. When I am over here wondering why I a relationship alludes me is because I am too busy not living my truth, that I envelope a level of insecurity that is at the top of the totem pole of who we think we are. Not everyone needs to prove I am still one of the good o’l boys because I can still have woman fall all over me, and give her a false sense of hope, well congratulations on that.

When I sit here writing this out, I look at straight acting as a high sense of entitlement, that I have a new tool to berate those that don’t measure up. Masculinity has always been on the attack, part of the war path. There are times that I feel that I am not allowed to learn or explore what heterosexuality means to me and how it can be a real part of my life. I am too busy trying to pass of as straight, yet that is a problem that has never been corrected, it is one thing to have layers to the LGBT community, yet it is so fractured. It is one thing to have these letters stand for something, but now it feels like they want to stand for themselves, break off and but as much distance as possible and have no bad press associated with it.