Still thinking about you Davis, it’s hard not too, it’s really hard not to. I recently bought Monster Hunter World to play with others and I am doing everything but playing with others. It sucks, it feels hella lonely and I feel as though I am back sliding into depression. All that money and I am playing by myself and I hate it. I miss you, just wanted you to know that.
There are things I never wanted with my life, divorced parents a gay dad, living on the poverty line, almost being homeless, wearing the same clothes and being gay.
I keep running into these persistent problems where I can’t feel anything or express anything without being in the hot seat at some point, always being reminded that I am being watched, and that it doesn’t feel like an open conversation, it feels like a growing problem all of the time with no good ending in sight. I just started temping here less than six months and it feels like today in this moment I just want to die and finish my earthly course cause this is not working being interrogated by your parent and I am an adult, at that and I feel like I never stop apologizing to someone about how I am not shit or good enough and watch others get a fairy tail and submerge into depression more and more. I am tired of it, the loneliness, the anger, the worthlessness, the fear, and above all the eventual hopelessness of it all.
It hurts…and it feels like it will never go away…and it hurts to know that I have lived life in pain over a decade and I live in shitty ass darkness. Super unhappy and I just hold it in like I am eventually going to turn blue and expire.
I just don’t know what to do to be happy and stay that way. I barley take pictures of myself not because I don’t think I don’t look good, but you can see the negative emotions on my face, the lost defeat that lives there, and it’s sad that I feel that way at all. Let alone for so many years.