When Boomer Banks gets it right

Take a good look at this, take it in and meditate, Boomer who is a Latin man gay and a pornstar talked to huffington post about an issue that has been frowning in the gay community. Gay men as a whole need to see this and realize it’s a problem and work to fix it. It takes a man to realize thee is a problem and speak about it and not be complacent about it.

He is right when people who feel that way don’t belong at pride or in the community because they do not reflect what it stands for, yet can stand directly in the way of others from showing that love. The community should never be at war with itself, yet it is, so how can it fight for its rights as a whole…well we will see.

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I came to love me

Examples, experience, actions, in the name of love, in order to find it, we need to embrace self love, the kind that helps us deserve and give the best. The kind of love that has us thinking of the other person and how being with someone can add to their happiness. Yet do we do the work to add to our own happiness. Broke down cars can’t fix themselves and buildings don’t build themselves, it takes work, at times it takes other helping hands, at times it takes our own.

True pure love, that motivates us to be our best can rub off on others, it can help us to be less critical, it can help us to reason that some people and in some situations not every body is receptive or ready to receive love. Yet you could have also worked the soil for something to grow. 

It’s easy to be mad or simply enraged at situations that we do not full understand. Our happiness is our own and it can also be a tool to teach others, why? It’s a healing to who we are, we thrive and we are healthy when we are happy. So I may not be a doctor but I am writing a prescription for everyone to love yourself as many times as needed daily. Let that never be in short supply.

Living my truth: Me and 33

33 has managed to do a lot to change the view of how I am developing into a better well rounded adult, along with my antidepressant, and seeking to have a better spiritual relationship with God. 

I have been tackling jobs, thinking better, gaining better organizational skills. I…am…growing, and it feels good, we grow at different points in our lives. I realize I just got to a place where it’s ok, I needed that, at some point people get to a place where they grow into themselves. It’s good to feel like I tingle and I am brimming with my own personal power, to just be high off your endorphins. 

How we grow can be a very important part as to how we mature into adulthood, just like DNA, people are very different and circumstances are always subject to change. It’s never a new me just a new look, that in itself is also ok. 

Love, endorphins, and positivity

October 17,2016

Half a week I spent going over the email that my therapist sent me, more people on my facebook who out of nowhere have couple pictures on their profile. I look at them and still wonder what am I doing? Am I that far gone, am I so taken by my sexual addiction that I may never find real love?

People are not seeing the struggle, they don’t even recognize it, it’s not just about the fact that, wow I don’t go a month without having sex, and people don’t realize that’s the most hurtful and damaging part about it, I don’t love any of them, that’s not what they are there for, and it’s a real struggle because at some point you want to love and be honest and open as possible. Yet for me and my experience every time I look at me or think about talking to someone, the impulse to add sex is under my breath the whole time and it’s unnerving.

It’s a situation to where two people are there to climax and leave, the most emotionally damaging way to meet, it keeps me from thriving, it keeps me from believing in myself and not a whole lot of people realize how that feels. To want to be safe and know that your not.

I want to live, I want to be free and I want to save myself, like it or not it hurts all of the time and I want to say no every time and all of the time, I just live in fear of this is as good as it gets or what I deserve and I don’t want that to be all that I am, wrapped up in so much loose sex that I forget to fall in love, to cultivate it. To feel safe in my own skin without giving in.

To just have some respect for myself and call the shots for once, I have to be celibate for my own mental health, cause I am not a victim I am an addict and that is a hard word to say at times, and this has been a part of me since puberty, I just did not understand what it was and how it played in my life. How life events played and manifested in my addiction. And it feels good having days of not having sex. The only way to feel that security is to start loving me and that’s hard too, but I need to come to peace with who I am and how I have lived my life.

It’s always easier to hate things about yourself and it’s easier to get people to hate them with you, it’s harder to look and smile and walk tall, and just not care, yet we have to bring out our own good, how else do we attract better things for ourselves, by loving ourselves to the fullest and not asking or waiting for others to do it because that’s not life or being realistic.

I am an sex addict and my goal is to be one month clean and just take it from there, I used to be ten years clean before I knew I had a problem and I would love to get back to that place, I also accept that I love sex in general it doesn’t matter who, but I would love to find my soul mate even more.

I think it’s time we have a talk

I hear you have been moaning and groaning about being lonely and not having a relationship, you have been bringing downt the moral and it’s time we had a talk. Your inner voice needs to tell you the deal.

Hey mister, why do you want a relationship that you have proven to be ill equipped for? Why do you run from yourself? Why are you treating yourself like trash? I thought we were better than that?

I know you have had it tough like so many but why are you settling? Cause I know your smart but somewhere in that head of yours, you have convinced yourself that your situation is too big for people to handle.

Why are you so scared of who you are, when you are running the streets anyway? I know why, it’s because so many chances have passed you by and you don’t know if you can trust yourself to just let guys go and not choose a hook up over a possible companion. Yet I have more to tell you because I am not finished, it’s more of your daddy issues creeping in, where he would go off and your brother ran wild and you were all alone with thoughts so abandonment is also a key factor in why you won’t just walk away from a fling.

So now we have to talk about your addiction, cause I know that with with men that have left your life, from childhood friends and your parents divorce and possibly moving to California, you my friend the body in which I live in has never been the same. You broke and change is a big part in which you fight and you don’t deal with it well, because any time you have to focus on you, you screw, and you push it to the limit. I know it doesn’t help and you have to deal with it because your in emotional peril and I can’t let you do that is any more.

Letting you hide, letting you enter people’s lives the way we do hooking up and hoping that it will get better you know it won’t, until you let me be a part of you, yeah you know who it is, that gay part of you that you wish away, and yet you crawl into bed with me when it’s convenient and drive me off the lot and then you want to feel bad and hate what you have done and want to be better.

 If that’s what you want then just choose and be happy, cause everyone else see’s it all over your face no matter how well you think your hiding it your not, and your bad at it. I still love you when your convinced that your trash and don’t love yourself and you don’t think you will ever deserve love from another person so love yourself hard as hard as possible, and let’s not forget to respect yourself too because you don’t realize that you can be doing so much better when you don’t focus on other people.

Your sex addiction, it’s always going to be there and until you manage it my friend you will be settling for way less than you deserve and allow yourself to be abused emotionally to all kinds of people, not because your nice but simply because you feel you should be treated extremely poor. Don’t give your love to others who just can’t return it back, and than means you need to learn the difference and Trina yourself all over again. People will use you up in a heartbeat and just not care, it just a shame that it’s how things work now a days.

Also as much back seat driving as I have done, your therapist is right, and has helpful advice, so don’t be scared to follow it either. 

Lastly and most important, your relationship with your God…love your God and remember he has been holding you down since the beginning and has not given up in you so don’t you dare act like you need to forget who you worship, I know there is more conflict than you want to admit or feel that you can live through living your life, but I feel it’s bound to get better and that you need to hang in there. 

I am glad I had this talk with you even though I know it was one sided and I just needed you to listen, we should talk more, love your inner voice, be kind and spread love.

The fuck boy mentality

If I had taken the time to closely look at myself, I would have realized that I have a fuck boy mentality, that I am a standard basic fuck boy, who is not making the progress that I would hope that I would have been making. I have just put so much of my life in sex that I lack relationship qualities, so what brought me to this post today?

I got a text today from the last person I though that I would be hooking up with, I thought he was gone and just to find out who it was, I just instantly jumped at the chance to hook up…I realize that I am still in the old frame of mind where I don’t think like I should, that its ok to say no, or make up any reason necessary that I have moved on. I know that I have not taken the time out to realize that it really damages me to continue on this path, to think that I would say no to a guy who looks tatted up and muscular like he does that why wouldn’t I run his way, to be honest I want to be left alone, to figure me out. The problem is, that I have myself convinced that I need him, that I need to fuck him, that I am not shit, or important if I am not having sex with him, and to be honest it hurts, most of all I am afraid that I did not even fully realize that it hurts that I could doing this is the last thing I really want to do.

It’s the sting of loneliness that deceives me, and I let it. I should not let sex or being single dictate my ability to be happy, that is the single heinous crime I could ever commit upon myself. Another problem to that issue is that I live with the understanding that looks, body image, and penis size and skin color are the rule of the community instead of personality, compatibility chemistry, then looks. I just want out out of all of this chaos, I want out of the expectations, I want out of the unrealistic expectations, I want out of the harm, to myself and others.

I feel as though I am not sure how to dig deep how to stay out of my own way, fuck boy is not a label I want to carry or promote with pride. I want to have someone to go home to, someone to have some real genuine memories with, I want everytime I look into his or her eyes that I know I won at the end of the day. Any one knows that being a fuck boy wont give you that, it just gives you more people to add to my number and that is also not a goal to reach for or achieve either. I don’t want to experience missed opportunities, but I really need to decide what it is that I want to not miss out on.

When straight acting has gone all kinds of wrong

Disclaimer

This topic is a bout straight acting and my corresponding feelings on the subject, I understand that people will always feel one way or another on this subject matter, so here is my take I talk about adult subjects in adult language and sex is right up in it, understand that what I write may not be for you, thank you for reading.

 

What is this deal with straight acting, I feel it has become a life of its own, upon me the gay community and how “straight acting” has taken on a life of its own. For most if not all of my life I have just been lost on the concept of sleeping with women, the whole transition of I can have the “D” but also come home to the “P” and have no guilt whatsoever about who I have sex with, why, because I could have it all, and even if I was more attracted to guys then I was with women I could always keep my options open, who would not love that?

Then we really have to come to the perspective, that gay men live in this atmosphere of straight acting, like the second they settled on a penis that their masculinity became invalid. Tell me what is the point of being a full on gold or silver star gay man if you have to be straight acting, that is the community motto? That is Palm Springs that is the new White Party? No, the more I had some time to self-reflect on how I am living my truth, my life and I will be completely honest, sex addiction aside, I want “the pussy” yes I said it, in Lafayette True Blood voice, yes in all that glory. Baby I have been on my back with a guy eating me out having my eyes roll back and I have been totally thinking about how this feels on a woman, are her breasts to my liking, do we have kids, a nice house and is our marriage stable? Mind you the sex was defiantly on point, for me I know talking like that pisses people off.

When people are not all in for the community it is a national scandal, you cannot be that gay man trying to sleep around with woman, it’s as though you are breaking your gay vows. I do not understand this, yet there are a good number of things about people and their sexual personalities that I do not get. I understand this notion though, I am getting laid and I know that I don’t have to worry about catching feelings because when we are straight acting there is very little truth to who you or I have to be. We fuck and you leave, no number no kik, snapchat, or twitter on this. When I am over here wondering why I a relationship alludes me is because I am too busy not living my truth, that I envelope a level of insecurity that is at the top of the totem pole of who we think we are. Not everyone needs to prove I am still one of the good o’l boys because I can still have woman fall all over me, and give her a false sense of hope, well congratulations on that.

When I sit here writing this out, I look at straight acting as a high sense of entitlement, that I have a new tool to berate those that don’t measure up. Masculinity has always been on the attack, part of the war path. There are times that I feel that I am not allowed to learn or explore what heterosexuality means to me and how it can be a real part of my life. I am too busy trying to pass of as straight, yet that is a problem that has never been corrected, it is one thing to have layers to the LGBT community, yet it is so fractured. It is one thing to have these letters stand for something, but now it feels like they want to stand for themselves, break off and but as much distance as possible and have no bad press associated with it.

4/26/2016

It can be a challenge to wake up and feel motivated towards anything now a days. It is a daily battle to keep myself going, to feel like I matter, to not take so many things personal or as an attack on my character personally, that can be quite difficult and at times it has been. I have had this urge to hate my life so much that I have just wanted to end it. Long before I had hiv and coming to terms with that, navigating what I perceive is a book on life on how to find your way. Finding that there are so many levels to life and the things you have to deal with day to day.

Fighting to stay off anti-depressants, that has been a complete chore, my visit to my therapist have become frequent, to be honest I feel that I have to be cautious around him to, around so many people because I never know or understand that what I say and how I say it will be taken, I feel it is literally a life or death sentence that will keep me free or have me locked up because I lack the intelligence to keep my life in order. I struggle to have meaning in my life and I know that may sound quite stupid, most people have their life together, most people have that path that a first glance has everything going on for them, it has always put me in a position to wonder why my life sucks and when if ever will I have my own life to be proud of.

Don’t get me started about the fact that I am single and have not had the courage to be better about it, that I know I am struggling with sex over intimacy, that I have felt that people don’t like me and really don’t have an interest in getting to know me as a person. I admit I need some serious work in that area, I have to be reasonable that not everyone is attracted to people with low self-esteem. It does go back to having pride in ourselves, I was not put on this earth to please other people I have to say it is unrealistic. Everyone has criticism yet so few people have realistic solutions, we judge and we throw the book and the stones hard on ourselves and others. It always feels at times that I have no idea who I end up offending or on the outs for saying something that I did not understand was a bad thing, I have enough rational to understand that people are strangers that it takes time to get to know people, I try to make an effort to be transparent I don’t want to play games I don’t need to play them, that should be the point being an adult.

All I have ever wanted in my life is love, just someone to call and wake up next, to, feel a strong bond and honest connection to I feel I have too much to give to the right person, I know I am lazy towards that, I know that I am so scared at putting myself on the line again and again, feeling that I am empty handed, watching people live their dreams and just being so bitter about it. Feeling so angry I just wanted to kill the concept of love entirely, it became so maddening that no matter where I turned love was for everyone but me. Most of my music is longing for love and sex, two opposing passions and yet so raw and primal at the same time, it’s deep and has layers.

I just want to feel that I am succeeding in life instead of feeling like all is fail, so I need to keep this quote in mind. Dark Squidge aka Tomska said a quote I could not help but need to put out ther again, failure isn’t fucking up its giving up.