I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels.
It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.
I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away.
I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?
Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.
What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.
The more I give to others who need me the more the distance grows, this should no longer be a mystery to me, it just means that I need to really use my perceptive powers to understand that I am not walking the same path as them. People don’t listen to what I have to say to them, to help them, I have travelled the roads of hard decisions and what I know applies.
The only thing I have burned my hand the most on is the gay community. I have felt like I don’t exist there and I have come to find out I really don’t exist in that space, I hold out hope for my own sake and I get burned, and that sting turns to harsh anger, because what can I do to change it around, I don’t feel as though there is anything left to do but walk completely away. I am tired of the games, if I am really honest with myself wanting to be better then I have no place with a people who won’t reach back, if I don’t learn this I won’t ever get better. I am tired of living in fear of two sets of people, I will either thrive or die trying to be accepted. I can’t do it, so shade on me for trying for not seeing I am a fool, that the clowns hat is on me and I am not even laughing alone just being judged and laughed at.
Learn from what I have been trying to tell you. Every time I get into that trench I fight a war, a war you don’t have to fight, yet through it I am learning endurance, I don’t need people to agree with how I feel, I have been the one alone, I have been the one loosing, I have been the one who has to get back up and pick up my own emotions and duck for cover hiding in shame.
I told you before and I feel like you still don’t get it, I chose my Christianity for me, it doesn’t make me less gay at all. I know I am and I will make my piece with it. I am not a part of Christianity that is a cancer and plague to what it really stands for, and I will dash people to pieces who think they can continue to rub it in the mud with their blood money and satanic ideals. Maybe you didn’t hear me when I said gay men were trash and have continued to be so, they are not the ones picking me up, they are not there when I am depressed and down and need someone, they are just too vain to notice, they are just the people I fuck and apparently will be nothing more than that until I can just move on in piece from that. That is what the community has turned into and there are not enough people who can stop them and turn it around.
Understand and read my words clearly, I am who I need to be of my own choosing.
Its said that the hardest door to walk through is your own, moving past depression, bad choices and hook ups that move no where past sex. It always has me wondering where do I fit, when I really take steps to let go of everything I know that is not working in my life? When the weights feel as though they have fallen off, when I am ready to move forward, how do I do that safely, in an effective manner that keeps me mentally and emotionally healthy. For a while I always thought that I had nothing more to offer that, age, sexuality, race, and health status defined my life and would hold me back. I forgot that is a naive way of thinking, that sometimes I forget that its possible for anyone to move mountains, create storms, change reality.
It feels dwarfing at time to put myself out there, to wonder if I will be safe, ok, but I have to walk out of the front door to find out. I have to do it for me, its not about being free or feeling owned, its time to go for the long haul. Its time to be who through my dna my ancestors, my people, its just time to show out and shine. I have to be willing to wake up happy and start walking, I don’t have to look back or feel afraid to keep going, Its ok to finally wake up.
It has been 1 year since I started this blog and scrolling through I could not believe that it’s the actual truth on this. Yet in this year things have advanced from bad to worse overtime, I feel like my light is fading and that I must be something more, that I must be so,ething that can inspire some hope. I need hope for myself, I need to see the light something that honestly I have not been feeling.
I need to take my place as what I was ment to be not what I have been trying to be, it’s not working. I need to lead in my life I need to be stronger in all aspects of my life and I just can’t cow tip anymore, I can’t be weak anymore, I can’t be silent anymore, I can’t be a part of a community that has more growing to do than I have time to spend on it. Even if my views from this point on appear harsh and unwelcomed, that’s the way I happen to see the world, and it’s a crazy thing when so much darkness looks like warm inviting light.
I want better and the path I have been on, the life or truth as some would say that I have been trying to live just is not it, it’s just not my people and I face that fact and accept it. All I can do is be me and that is going to be more than enough.