It’s March, and I have been writing in to a black podcast basically giving reviews for Scandal. It feels great to be writing, it feels good to be in a space that has allowed me to write and take advantage of their generosity on the podcast. I just try to be myself and use my voice in an informative way, I feel that this is keeping me happy and mentally balanced.
Even though I am without a counselor right now I am still using the tools he gave me, I still have real crappy days, yet realizing that I have a potential that I want to find out what it is and grow and cultivate it. Also I am feeling more spiritual in my life and it has been working out. When I have needed direction I have received it, that’s a good feeling to experience.
Yesterday I sent an email to what was my counselor at the time. He isn’t anymore because I told him I hated him, and that I wanted to hurt him.
The worst part of all of it, was not just that I said it, but that I actually felt relieved to say it. When I look back at it, it has a lot of cowardice to it, because I couldn’t say it to his face.
When you want someone to love you back and they can’t and I couldn’t, and I had never felt more trapped or emotionally raped in my life at that moment that the only thing left was to walk away. Take the blame like I knew I was going to have to.
I just feel taken aback because I just have this peace I didn’t have before. I should feel confused but I don’t, and I don’t want anymore counselor’s, people who can’t deliver on my level of expectations.
So I live with the fact that I can’t accept being a gay man and that I have to carry that burden, and that I threw a good man away because it was the right thing to do under all the wrong reasons.
I wish him nothing but happiness, but it was time to move on, and I over stayed my welcome in that department.
He doesn’t understand why I am mad or wanted to hurt him and that’s ok, he doesn’t have to, he isn’t trained in that way.
Found hung, it was a message I had to read from the mother of his daughter. So young so tender in years that she will never get to grow up with her father in her life. Life has been hard on him and have a record and getting past that is not easier either. It gets hard to hold back the tears and taking time out to say the things that needed to be said.
I feel this entire world failed him. We are always told to pull ourselves up, but let’s be honest, it’s against so many people and it’s too easy to give people a reason shut people down, force them to give up. I have never been in his position or wonder what was going on in his mind that death was the answer.
I understand it, when you get to a place that you would rather be dead than feel like you failed your child, maybe that was it, I don’t know because unfortunately I did not know him like that, I did not invest in him like I should have.
My therapist does not understand this yet, it’s ok, my spiritual life is all I have left and I have to make that work. There are no other options and I can’t get it into my head that they exist. It’s too painful to fall down, that’s what makes me want to hurt myself so much. The wiggle room does not exist, and frankly I don’t want it to, I try to stay out of people’s way, I am trying to turn into a person that could be a great husband some day, yet my niece and nephew think I hate them. I don’t I just don’t know how to manage kids, and when I look at my crap childhood I want them to have better because they should.
I am trying to get out of my own way and I have to sacrifice more than I have. It’s funny that I am a sex addict, and gay andnyet that same combination is killing me and now I am on the antidepressants to counterbalance that. Yet what my therapist does not see is that each time I fall, it buries me with a depression so thick so deep it’s hard to get out.
I hate myself because this is a part of me and I desperately want to be better, all the way around. To have to burrow my feelings down as well. The absolute regret of all of the choices I have made over the past two years has brought me more pain than 10 years ago. It’s a hurt in my chest that feels bigger than myself at times. I am torn into places I shouldn’t be in and trying to live in the one space where my happiness exist in.
Trying hard not to be swallowed by a darkness I can’t fight alone.
I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels.
It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.
I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away.
I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?
Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.
What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.
The more I give to others who need me the more the distance grows, this should no longer be a mystery to me, it just means that I need to really use my perceptive powers to understand that I am not walking the same path as them. People don’t listen to what I have to say to them, to help them, I have travelled the roads of hard decisions and what I know applies.
The only thing I have burned my hand the most on is the gay community. I have felt like I don’t exist there and I have come to find out I really don’t exist in that space, I hold out hope for my own sake and I get burned, and that sting turns to harsh anger, because what can I do to change it around, I don’t feel as though there is anything left to do but walk completely away. I am tired of the games, if I am really honest with myself wanting to be better then I have no place with a people who won’t reach back, if I don’t learn this I won’t ever get better. I am tired of living in fear of two sets of people, I will either thrive or die trying to be accepted. I can’t do it, so shade on me for trying for not seeing I am a fool, that the clowns hat is on me and I am not even laughing alone just being judged and laughed at.
Learn from what I have been trying to tell you. Every time I get into that trench I fight a war, a war you don’t have to fight, yet through it I am learning endurance, I don’t need people to agree with how I feel, I have been the one alone, I have been the one loosing, I have been the one who has to get back up and pick up my own emotions and duck for cover hiding in shame.
I told you before and I feel like you still don’t get it, I chose my Christianity for me, it doesn’t make me less gay at all. I know I am and I will make my piece with it. I am not a part of Christianity that is a cancer and plague to what it really stands for, and I will dash people to pieces who think they can continue to rub it in the mud with their blood money and satanic ideals. Maybe you didn’t hear me when I said gay men were trash and have continued to be so, they are not the ones picking me up, they are not there when I am depressed and down and need someone, they are just too vain to notice, they are just the people I fuck and apparently will be nothing more than that until I can just move on in piece from that. That is what the community has turned into and there are not enough people who can stop them and turn it around.
Understand and read my words clearly, I am who I need to be of my own choosing.
I have not written in a while and I have so much going on. I have been at a lost for words because I just want things in my life to feel less lonely to work. Instead I have just been riddled with problems and it’s not as easy as I thought to get a clean slate, it takes time.
It’s all about attitude, mine has gone from positive to negative and I just want my mind made up as to who I am and what I want. I don’t want to be a problem for myself and others.
It feels like the more I deny that I am gay the lonelier I get, but the more I try and embrace it, I never feel full, I just feel lonely even more. I hate it, but that’s where I am at, still trying to get better and it’s gets harder, and then more depression comes through, so I try and stay as occupied as possible.
Trying to move forward, alone but forward.
The last few days of February and I am was in my feelings. It has a lot to do with me messing with straightish men who for some reason can’t wait to tell you that they are hitting this new pussy everyday, and in the same sentence hit you up for sex and stand you up.
I am tired of that…So I don’t know what I said wrong last night because guys like this don’t give explanations, you just need to be the warm wet mouth on tap, and the ideology behind this, again is be thankful, granted it’s not said but it’s implied which is worse because we are not communicating, and your wasting my time. I let him know through text, at this point if I don’t hear from him anymore that’s fine because I barely do and it’s getting harder and harder to meet up.
I don’t know where we went from joking around to me not seeing him. The hardest situation I deal with is my own self worth and not getting my self esteem crushed. At times I have to remind myself that I have had sex with incredibly hot guys in my life time and I don’t have shit more to prove, I don’t.
At times it can get hard to not be mad at bisexuals when it has nothing to do with the bi-community, it has everything to do with wading in the water testing bastards. I can’t go out of the way to keep labels out of sex but you want to feel some type of extra straight accomplishment for screwing a chick. Congratulations I hope she taste me every time she is on your dick. I hope you feel safe, now on a petty note, you want to go further with a guy and it’s hard and I get that because I wrestle with my sexuality and addiction hardcore.
So what’s my over all message for this post? Be more self aware of what your doing, who your doing and how it effects others and don’t waste their time. Also you don’t have to hate yourself for wanting to find yourself.
It has taken a while to understand that I can and should just drop people who don’t fit what I am looking for and that I don’t have to be in periods of depression and I need to stop hurting myself with men, because it gets to the point where I would prefer to be asexual and be left alone.
Saturday afternoon I was at the store and I was at the self check out line and in the express line I saw a young man I hooked up with and he was with a guy and he looked happy he looked like he had new life and a boyfriend, and I had a half smile about myself, I was jealous and it hurt for a minute, so I decided to dismiss the thought and focus on the fact that if he found someone that makes him happy, someone that chose him then there is still hope for me.
I am holding on to hope, I feel like I need hope when I feel I see others winning, if it’s in person or when I happen to be venturing facebook profiles and I feel afraid. I am afraid that it’s so normal for relationships to exist without me. Is it because I am so undecided? Is it because I am fighting my nature? Choosing a straight life that to most people looks like a blatant lie. Even though I am trying to stay away from a primal urge to do nothing but hook up.
When I see so many people, so many couples I feel hungry, hungry for love, a real relationship, not just these memes I see on people’s facebook pages and twitter and instagram. Finding that voice that touch from a real person, I miss that so much and to not have that, to not know what’s going on with my life it’s something that I don’t know when or if that can happen.
So I have to look towards hope, while I navigate my life, I don’t like to hide that I am ok when I know I am not, when I am hurting and I get boxed mentally and emotionally because I have moments where depression still grips me, but I am trying and piecing my confidence piece by piece. You have to reset at some point.