November untitled

Here goes, I spent $75 dollars on a mobile game i didn’t need to because I have been in depression deep and I could have just played my playstation, I could have spent that on my playstation plus account. I took a gamble and lost and that hurt.

Mostly I have just been in the dregs trying to figure out how to make my life feel better and it doesn’t. I want to commit suicide, almost everyday, and I never thought my life would be so out of control, but it is. I feel like I just don’t have control over my own life or feelings any more.

I want to have sex with my counselor so bad I cry at night, even though he is a type cast of men I never got to have an intimate relationship with because they were straight and, never available, and neither is he. It hurts anyway, always has after all of these years.

I often wonder why I have been always afraid to write down what I feel, I guess it’s because people get you to a point where you can’t trust them, you can’t trust what you say to them because I’m wrong move and it’s evidence against your entire state of being.

I have so many things stacked on me, my emotions, skin color, sexuality, beliefs, social status and I wonder if it ever gets better. I wonder if I can ever get to a true state of acceptance?

I just feel judged and judge myself because I don’t know how to cope with either choice I make, knowing full well that the pieces just won’t fit, no matter how hard I force them to, they just won’t.

So at times I feel that if I just die I can make the madness in my life go away. I don’t have to hide out, I don’t have to deal with hiv, sexual addiction, depression, loneliness, any of this garbage because I will just be dead and it will be the end of it.

Everyday feels like I am catching up from my childhood to my adulthood, that I am still just as stupid now as I was back then.

I want a better life and I know I don’t have it, even though I need it. I want my counselor to have sex with me even though I know he won’t dare, and it leaves me cold and empty and rejected inside, while everybody is moving ahead I am slowly dying inside, just dying.

In my feelings on a Monday

I was on twitter yesterday and I came across a poll done by a white man in the UK who asked if white people feel they face racism, the only reason I saw this was based on a person I am following.

I pressed no, and was actually surprised to see that in the 90% so many said yes, and that lead me to believe, that something is actually wrong about this because 1. To many white individuals have been in the forefront of causing racism towards other people it was really hard to fathom, that they feel that way. Also I would need proof and examples because that’s what it takes most white folks to believe anything and even after that there is heavy bias on that.

So the person I follow said yes and said he wrote a paper on it. I stated that I only believe it effects people of color and not white people because of how it’s has been used, prominently as a tool of power.

He followed up with, so if a person shouts an offensive slur and it never effects you again it’s not racist?

I replied how does that hurt them? Put them in danger? Or how does it play a part in history as a sense of injustice to them?

So he continued that even though it’s not on a wide scale that to say that a particular group is immune from racism is dangerous to say, because people of color can attack white people to.

So I had to fire back and say the dangerous angle that he was putting out there is that people of color are on equal footing when it comes to racism, that it goes beyond slurs, it’s laws, it’s practices, and statistics that back it up. I continues to go on and say that when people of color mind their own business and are harassed and assaulted by a white person, I failed to see how white people are crippled and endangered by racism that he was making a case for.

I continued to go further by saying that since Trump got in to office attack’s on people of color have gone up.

Then he gave me a half ass link, so I replied , and he didn’t like my answer because he proceeded to say I was being a hypocrite and looking at things from a double standard.

I told him nothing in that story that he sent me gave me cause to see it was a case of racism, it was only until he sent another one, then I saw that, that particular case was.

If I was not so upset and in shock, that I was being confronted by a person of color on a poll done by a white person.

The more time I had to meditate on that, the more I realized, that I should have stomped that, when he came out and said “it never effects them again.” That’s the whole point it doesn’t effect them past their occasional hurt feelings. The fact that I had to pull an example out of him because it was not going his way.

Further more it made me loose complete respect for him because of the fact that, I disagreed with the poll but I did not get an explanation for why that particular man felt the way he did.

I am tired of the fact that white people get a pass for not doing or being better and I am upset more because I didn’t make a better argument of my case, and I feel like I backed down and it made me feel very negative about myself.

When it comes to racism it’s not just some agree to disagree, when blacks people have been killed in more numbers than they should have, but how quickly it’s overturned by one case of a polish man getting beat nearly to death. Maybe I have lost sight of the overall context, of hurting people.


A lot has taken place this month, this is literally the first entry I have made all month. First off I turned 32, all I can say is that I have another notch under my belt. I am learning more about this big world than I could ever imagine, also more about hiv as well. There are moments that I wonder do I still have a voice at all? How important is it really for me to make a statement or have other people represent a cause or my condition in my name? Can people even myself get lost in a social riptide? There are moments that I use twitter and I have been trying to expand my network and find more friends, sometimes I wonder if I’m looking in the right place, I don’t have time to be consumed trying to be relevant. Just this month November got dissed pretty hard, people thought it was Christmas already via the Starbucks cup, I know it is already played out, yet it reminds me that people have horrible priorities in life.

I need to figure out where mine are, I have been doing all this following that it leaves me frustrated, it’s just not who I am as an individual, I don’t set trends yet I take charge, I have been handing off the baton on my life to other people’s ideals. I may not have the who hiv network at my fingers and I don’t care, I would like to be a part of it, just not at the risk of feeling I am no longer an individual. It could also be that I am not a fan of being passive agressive either. Which I can figure rubs people the wrong way and that’s fine, I have gone from blocking to unfollowing people this month as well, my taste up and changed.

Charlie Sheen, got hiv outted and I have not been that upset in a long while. In those instances it never fails to remind me how people really and truly come from the direct bloodline of Satan himself. People always think that people with hiv always have something to hide and that they are hiding because they are doing something wrong. So I pose the question, what does it take for anyone to see that anyone with hiv can do something right? That there is enough information out there and it keeps growing to help those managing hiv to stay healthy, practice safe sex and keep their viral load, non transmitable. You would think that would be enough, people live in the dark ages mentally pass themselves off as educated and continue to make the same bad choices that bring 50,000 new hiv cases a year. What the hell, it reminds me of that video from YouTube by Pozmonaut DDF, and yes I’m still watching it and still laughing, I can’t help it. You cant tell me that video is 100% on point.

Charlie Sheen should never have had to be in a position where his medical health was violated, that is my biggest gripe and constant concern, once it’s out there it’s out there you can’t take that back. Being extorted for money is no joke, he never put those people on blast, why I will tell you, all they have to do is say that he never disclosed his status, it’s literally that easy.

Sadly with his reputation and the lifestyle he lived no one would care, in fact in the state of California which he no resides, which holds no bearing on anyone that he had possible sex with outside the state of California, it follows as this. California does criminalize certain actions of individuals who have hiv, it is also weighted in on the sentencing phase of trial which also make it felony ranging from 3,5,8 years, enhanced sentencing which adds 3 additional years and the the only to pieces of defense you have is fully informing the partner and having consent, also the use of a condom. That is not a whole lot to work with seeing as how this law was written in 1988.

Jenny McCarthy, I wonder how she sleeps at night talking about Charlies hiv yet she was that cow who her voice single handedly started a measles outbreak, measles is absolutely no joke and highly contiguous. I don’t think she got enough heat on that subject and I don’t know why this heifer thinks that it’s still appropriate to be talking about how she protects her health and put so many people’s lives at risk from Jan to April of this 2015, Jenny find some chill, also maybe the health problems that Americans face may have a lot to do with the fact that growth hormones, antibiotics and who knows what else is in food since you have been eating it as a child. That could also play a factor in child developmental issues not just vaccines. Now if you are so informed as you vocalize you wouldn’t be that individual playing the victim card over kissing, you should really focus more on not spreading herpes by kissing someone when you have it, as opposed to the scientific fact that you cannot spread hiv by ordinary kissing, had Charlie Sheen had herpes on his face like you had it on yours you would not have kissed him either. So pot and kettle keep it to yourself, before we have another outbreak caused from your mouth.

In my own personal thoughts I feel the hiv community should have put their foot all the way in her ass, and let her know. I feel that if you don’t want to go back to the hiv stigma that lived in the early 1980’a you don’t give people an inch to play with. News story had already been circulating and laying the foundation for hate and hate related stigma before the record was set straight. Stigma still lives and breathes off the ignorance and deadly misinformation that people feel they are entitled to print based on their fears and not on facts, not on evidence not on truth and do you know why, because mainstream journalistic integrity no longer exists, it’s the new terrorism, information terrorism. What they say is fact and it never goes challenged even when it defies truth. This year has not even ended yet and it’s far more worse than it has been and I will keep on the grind, keep writting, and keep moving forward.