November untitled

Here goes, I spent $75 dollars on a mobile game i didn’t need to because I have been in depression deep and I could have just played my playstation, I could have spent that on my playstation plus account. I took a gamble and lost and that hurt.

Mostly I have just been in the dregs trying to figure out how to make my life feel better and it doesn’t. I want to commit suicide, almost everyday, and I never thought my life would be so out of control, but it is. I feel like I just don’t have control over my own life or feelings any more.

I want to have sex with my counselor so bad I cry at night, even though he is a type cast of men I never got to have an intimate relationship with because they were straight and, never available, and neither is he. It hurts anyway, always has after all of these years.

I often wonder why I have been always afraid to write down what I feel, I guess it’s because people get you to a point where you can’t trust them, you can’t trust what you say to them because I’m wrong move and it’s evidence against your entire state of being.

I have so many things stacked on me, my emotions, skin color, sexuality, beliefs, social status and I wonder if it ever gets better. I wonder if I can ever get to a true state of acceptance?

I just feel judged and judge myself because I don’t know how to cope with either choice I make, knowing full well that the pieces just won’t fit, no matter how hard I force them to, they just won’t.

So at times I feel that if I just die I can make the madness in my life go away. I don’t have to hide out, I don’t have to deal with hiv, sexual addiction, depression, loneliness, any of this garbage because I will just be dead and it will be the end of it.

Everyday feels like I am catching up from my childhood to my adulthood, that I am still just as stupid now as I was back then.

I want a better life and I know I don’t have it, even though I need it. I want my counselor to have sex with me even though I know he won’t dare, and it leaves me cold and empty and rejected inside, while everybody is moving ahead I am slowly dying inside, just dying.


When people are not getting the message

So I follow a variety of people on social media. Now what I need to do is not tap in and at times take my own advice about moving along. Now here is my problem, white folks say they want to make America better for everyone, yet they want to dictate how it happens, they say stop spreading racism, which their definition is name calling. 

So then new tool used by white Americans is your racist, it’s this new age taking point also couples by tag in a friend for a tech lynching on social media, because I said something to you and my friend is free to jump in. The only thing that tells me and what I have seen is this, you have a degree in talk solution not action solution. What I would like people to understand, is that enough of white folks are not making enough headway, it’s like your not even trying, and not everyone is going to explain it to you, that is a fault of your people for not caring. 

I get tired of seeing how many people are ready to argue at a point that a person of color makes and it’s usually by personal experience. When I can get called racist from an overwhelming amount of white peoples who voted for Trump, that tells us that the race war is still on and we don’t plan on changing our ways. People like to play the victim card and double down on what people of color have been doing and saying and how much of a front they take our tone, but your not going out there and addressing the problems, or bothering to lay down the foundation. 

People are trying, the point is you call for back up to defend your honor instead of looking at the big picture. So here is the honest truth. White folks have ground to cover and it’s not going to be easy. Yet that is your yoke to bare, not people of color. 

Also it’s amazing that all the while your steady calling any person non-white with a opinion you don’t like racist, have you ever let it cross your mind that it’s into response as to how people have been treated? You can make America a better place when you stop arguing with us and listen and accept that we are people trying to live. 

When you think it’s about revenge, and you bring out that talking point that is your way of not wanting to do a thing to fix the problems that exist. That says you were never interested, you don’t listen and your not aware of what’s going on. That what is the most disappointing thing in all of this, your feelings come first, like they always have.

The most frustrating thing is that it’s these majority people I come across that think and act with these old white ways make white peoples making a real difference look bad and makes progress slow, I know I have said this, but this is the facts. 

I did not choose which society or class or race of people that I was born into, yet it never absolves me of doing better or being better, something that wasting energy arguing with that kind of people has taught me they are not about change or putting in the work.  The people who are listen and find ways to make things better.

What will help me is staying away from those talking points yet it’s hard when that’s where it is. 

I know I can’t talk to people when they are ready to deflect with your a racist with no real context at all…I am done.

I got blocked by a gay pornstar and I am absolutely happy about it

Chris speaks out

Chris Crocker happened to be talking about the new colors on the flag brown and black, and went into a marvelous speech about inclusion and fully understanding what’s going on in the gay community, it was brilliant. 

A pornstar liked it and responded, I though wow great, needed support from the porn community. I felt in that moment, it feels great to know that even porn stars who are in some way part of the gay community will speak out in support in treating people equally, I found out differently.

I found out that it’s still the way it has been for too many years. A person responded to Chris and porn star attached that it’s a preference, and you don’t want to wast your time (paraphrasing) and it’s just being honest. I resisted responding because there was no need to, I saw what I liked and rolled on. Comments like those I will not ignore, I speak out against those comments because they are not only dangerous words and still racist to the core coming from white people, because of this countries history with black people.

I spoke up and said I’m more than one entry that it is racist, that there are many factors that you can choose from that qualify as a preference without putting race in it, also that people need to stop trying to float around this word preference and pretending it’s something that it’s not.

I was not talking about that pornstar at all, I had no reason to because they did not bring up preference. I got blocked from that pornstar because that person took what I said as a swipe against him. He got into his feelings instead of seeing it from an adult perspective. If being blocked because I intelligently explained what other options you have besides race then I am happy to be blocked. I would not want to support someone who has a way of thinking that excludes black people. 

White gays need to stop

You have no idea what is has to be like to be able to told your not attractive enough in mixed company, that as a black person and American we are still involved in being not good enough on some level, according to white standards. That has not changed for too many people, it makes intelligent well reasonable white people look crazy with this foolishness. If you have ever wondered or really cared about what the problem is with people of color in the gay community rest assured it’s probably you and what you did or didn’t do and how people of color or the trans or bi community have to pick up the slack because not enough of you care but want instantly become experts on what the gay community or flag should stand for, guess what no you don’t.

I don’t need to hear this…

I have never had sex with a black guy but I am interested…then do it, I don’t know what stops you from maning up and just living and having experiences and learning from other people. In short while I write this and smile, I understand that for some your just to weak to stand up for yourselves and that’s fine, you have never really had to. We should not have to pick up any extra weight from white people in the gay community because you should be willing, which is why I have just felt the need to opt out because in short your like a bag of money of value at some point but worthless when the bag is empty.

Get shipped to Russia

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White gays who think to highly of themselves, think they are owed something, feel the world revolves around them, or feels it’s just preference, you have no value in the gay community or what it really stands for what it’s been built on and can leave this country and go to Russia if you feel so oppressed over how you personally feel. We black people have been doing amazing things, as have brown people as well and your too ignorant to see that, we are winning and doing amazing things, sorry you don’t want to be a part of that. 

We are supposed to be equal and fight for each other, sorry I opt out of being on the front lines for you to be cannon fodder, but you can go to Russia your not needed. You don’t deserve this community and it can do so much better if you specific basic minded people were not in it. It’s sad that everything this community has fought against you have become, because in the name of preference, people preferred that you die and don’t exist, guess you forgot about that preference too.

To that gay pornstar

You can get this read too…

Thank you for blocking me, thank you for showing me that it’s still about white looks and white personalities that you have always been looking for, that personalities of people of color don’t matter, that it gives people in the gay community the same negative energy that brought Trump and Pence into our lives. So this one goes out to you because every time black people have to explain their existence your not for it. Thank you for blocking me because my comment had absolutely nothing to do with you and you took it that way without any clarification on your part. The only people who worry about race are the people who have no more room in their lives or personality to grow. Thank you for having a useless platform and living up to every basic white ignorant fragile stereotype that we have to be next to and thanks most importantly for the block, you and your bf can go to Russia as well, your not needed. 

Your a dime a dozen white gay fucking other white gays and it’s exhausting basic, and it’s exhausting having to look for something better. Try being better for once, instead of benefiting of of other people’s backs like white people before you.

In case you forgot your job is porn, were not talking about your private life, so when your job asks you your paired up with a person of color learn about the person because other gay pornstars don’t have your problem they come to work and I support those pornstars, but hey you could always go independent.

UtsukushÄ« hono ni yori shibo

It may not translate well but it fits my mood right now…death by beautiful flames.

I feel that we are at a no win crossroads, no where to run, no possibility of escape, things just don’t look good. If nothing else I feel the heat, like watching Rome slowly begin to burn. I feel the fire on my heels as well, it is hard to watch all of this nighmarish hate plume into view. Where there are no solutions only hate that burns bright and catches the attention of all the people who love to play with fire. I know it’s the smoke in my chest now, it’s the relative finger pointing that slowly creeps in and fills my lungs to the brim with fear and hate, thick as molasses sticky as southern humidity.

I should run yet why am I turning back to throw kindling, then straw, then gasoline with my words, why case the fire feels warm, cause it looks like light is on our side? Or is it that fire is the only thing we know how to use, flaming arrows dipped in deceptive toxins. If you don’t burn first, the poison will eventually get you. I just want to run, but who do I abandon when I run for it, my ideals, my self respect or is there something more, like my humainty?

It’s not about being swept up by the blaze of injustice, or loosing the fleeting innocence of youth that was never really there, but hearing all of the race baiting bullshit that they say is never there that goes ignored, cheered and overlooked. It’s amazing where I am still an animal no matter how I advance in the world, but I am trapped taken hostage by so many other facets of life it’s amazing how we never self-destructed before. Yet here we are, where I can’t go a week let alone a few days where black people get shot for frivolous reasons, and that is justice to people, bringing in the old ways, where their own people endanger police and they are given a pass to live. Where the next new normal thing past our history of dragging black folks from trucks, beating them to death and then hanging them from trees and on occasion burning them, black people are now the new terrorist movement.

For riots, looting, and burning things to the ground, funny how when you take any hope of justice from anybody it makes them act a certain way. Now all I wonder is when they stop using guns and just blow black people up, like terrorist ideology, interesting how all forms of peaceful resolution is now off the table. Then everytime I see a meme from someone I know from Facebook and I wonder how can they be this absolutely heartless, I just stop wondering because that’s the problem, they just don’t feel the problem is there’s so I have to meditiate long and deep so I don’t speak words ment to kill. I laugh cause as a black person any time we speak out what about the white or Latino or he’ll maybe even the Asian person who died because of the police brutality, and I ponder, why aren’t you out there? You don’t have to be a part of BLM to care about someone touched by the violence, or speak up about who it has hurt, cause you should just want to be out there if you care that damn much.

I am just tired of all of this cause it burns me out, I feel so exhausted running from the fire that is burning faster than I can run, I am tired of wonder if I will m ake it to old age and die of natural causes, not bleeding out in a car or street being told I deserved it, seeing people’s true demonic nature when they are allowed to run naked and free unseen.

Little do we realize or pay attention to the simple fact that we are all just burning to death, but at least the fire is cozy and we feel warm in each others company.

Race to the other side

Sorry I know I have dragged my feet on this post, to my surprise it can be a challenge to talk about race in a way that people will sit down read and be objective to. Race always sounds like the nuclear option when it comes to most things in life, its not like a stick of dynamite, it is full blown warfare unfortunately. Every time I see something on it, its always about how we as minorities, people of color need to get over the situation and stop being victims. Then I feel inclined to say, then get along and learn about us, then the bullshit on my credit card hits the max legal limit and then I come to understand that you don’t want to and that’s sad.

It has me wondering, how do you expect us to get over our views of you when you refuse to stop putting us in a position to where we are always the problem. Its the same thing look at what we do, get violent, loot, and burn stuff down, um how about you look at your carbon foot print and check your karma report on life and history before you tell me how destructive people really are.

When we fight for our right to exist and live we are animals, you defend you right to do anything, its survival of the fittest, when it comes to breaking laws, as long as no one gets hurt no crime exists. I don’t understand how that works. It has to be under that privilege that we all talk about going on. Here’s how that does to we all have it, no race is immune from that, that is always on the table at all times.

I will say this, as much as people do not enjoy being called to the floor for their actions be aware how you call us out, its been very enlightening on how incredibly stuck we all are on this, when we say matters involving race don’t exist. Since when, who feels safe? What are the circumstances surrounding that so called safety that people think they have? How can people tell people of color to pick themselves up, work hard and earn a living, when cant I open up a newspaper and still see atrocities go on and on. How can we be the most powerful country in the world and be this damn ignorant, and overall blind to others?

Race will always be an issue for those who cannot adapt past the level of a primate thinking. How is it that I can still have supposed freedoms yet people are still telling me who I am, judging me under a different kind of microscope? I wonder how I can be a man an be judged on something so fleeting as my skin? How is it that I cant even watch porn without seeing the racism in that?

Look I am not a thug,I am a person not a fetish to order for your pleasure, I hate that crap labels follow us around like we own it and I am sure there are several people who don’t choose that lifestyle either, yet your stuck on how we need to be that, to either get you off in a fantasy setting, or prove we are self destructive and as i said before no good. Well I guess we learn savage tendencies by the best examples around.

As for me, I am an adult, regardless of the fact that I have penis, that I am black, or that I am gay, make it work, I am hung not Mandingo and it has never let me down, also I should not have my choices or rights diminished because you can go down a check list of reasons why. I choose who I like because I have options, I am not limited like others choose to be, and that is sad, because there is so much variety out there that alone give me reason to appreciate life in general, not all the bullshit of date in your own race. What kind of horseshit is that….I am being serious. I want to love and love hard. I want real progress and that comes in the form of learning to see people as just that people. Not just their faults or cultural differences, but people who they are and what they can accomplish.

The biggest thing lacking that makes people great is respect, that is what makes people great, that is what accomplishment looks like, this melting pot that we speak of. If we mean it people need to start applying it, stop causing your own divisions, when people learn to get along. I mean that, your own divisions, the ones you cause by opening your mouth and adding nothing but garbage truck juice to quiet street. Stop taking freedoms for granted, others have not caught up to us, but more to the point others have far exceeded our level of peace.

My race to the finish line is passing that line where I have nothing but choices, people to truly appreciate and a new stronger viewpoint on how I should really treat people, with respect.