12/5/2017

I am back to that part of my medication where I am having problems sleeping, I stay up later than I want.

I hate those periods that I have to go through, they tend to be rough, well at least I am waiting but I have insurance now, medical at that while working as a temp.

Called Randy today, that was a mistake, he is still talking over me and expects me to do things for him, and that reminds me why I wanted him in Wisconsin, that was worth the pain and I don’t regret that.

I wish I had someone laying next to me, but the only thing next to me is my tablet. It’s a an alternative addiction but I still feel the grip of needing sex, from anyone I can get it from, I would want it from my counselor, but he will say no, or ignore my existence, and that hurts more, the fact he would just ignore me, like it’s a cool down period and then it will go away, I wish it were that easy.

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Sunday a day of rest

Hours after what I would call a break down, I realized that I have blessings, that I have things to look forward to and that and that my counselor has given me blessings all of the time and I have not realized it. I can be smart, I just often tend to be short sided.

He recently gave me a tool to better understand my sex addiction, it was humbling and accurate. I know I was embarrassed and ashamed because I read me to my core and I don’t think I was ready for that, but I bookmarked the info anyway.

I still have so much to work out, yet it is a reason to be thankful.

November untitled

Here goes, I spent $75 dollars on a mobile game i didn’t need to because I have been in depression deep and I could have just played my playstation, I could have spent that on my playstation plus account. I took a gamble and lost and that hurt.

Mostly I have just been in the dregs trying to figure out how to make my life feel better and it doesn’t. I want to commit suicide, almost everyday, and I never thought my life would be so out of control, but it is. I feel like I just don’t have control over my own life or feelings any more.

I want to have sex with my counselor so bad I cry at night, even though he is a type cast of men I never got to have an intimate relationship with because they were straight and, never available, and neither is he. It hurts anyway, always has after all of these years.

I often wonder why I have been always afraid to write down what I feel, I guess it’s because people get you to a point where you can’t trust them, you can’t trust what you say to them because I’m wrong move and it’s evidence against your entire state of being.

I have so many things stacked on me, my emotions, skin color, sexuality, beliefs, social status and I wonder if it ever gets better. I wonder if I can ever get to a true state of acceptance?

I just feel judged and judge myself because I don’t know how to cope with either choice I make, knowing full well that the pieces just won’t fit, no matter how hard I force them to, they just won’t.

So at times I feel that if I just die I can make the madness in my life go away. I don’t have to hide out, I don’t have to deal with hiv, sexual addiction, depression, loneliness, any of this garbage because I will just be dead and it will be the end of it.

Everyday feels like I am catching up from my childhood to my adulthood, that I am still just as stupid now as I was back then.

I want a better life and I know I don’t have it, even though I need it. I want my counselor to have sex with me even though I know he won’t dare, and it leaves me cold and empty and rejected inside, while everybody is moving ahead I am slowly dying inside, just dying.

Today I don’t know

You know when you get to that point in your life, when you want your life to be interesting, and you just don’t know where to go or how to get there?

I feel like I am at that place all over again. I still feel as though I am trying to find a better version of myself that is not wrapped up in sex, and I feel rejected inside and out. I feel like I am rejecting me and other people inside and out because of my insecurities. It hurts feeling as though I am standing still and nothing is right.

I feel like I just want to be left alone, that I want to just fade away. I feel like a really bad person just because of who I am and all of my life experiences and choices, and it sucks, it really sucks, when life as a whole had turned its back on you. That who you once were and who you are have never really been enough and I don’t know where to cut the cord.

I can’t be a part of people’s lives where I don’t fit and really shouldn’t be either, but I don’t feel like I have grown into the person I should be and feel, so I don’t feel I should be there either.

9/27/2017

If I said I feel like a fool, then the answer would be yes. I know that I have not done the best that I should to stay away from sexual triggers. I am on YouTube watching gay romance webseries and I feel strongly drawn to those. It’s the concept of romance without me having to get involved with anyone and really that is cheating.

I know I am driving my counselor crazy, I come with a earthmover load of drama. Right now this all sounds like I am not being serious about being straight…I don’t know how to respond to that. The world is not built on single people. Yet I am navigating this space where the guy I want has his own plate of issues to deal with and I feel like I have barely addressed mine, Also I feel like I need to have sex, I need a body, sweat and a good hour.

Other times I just want like right now to write out everything I can like I am going to have writers block again and lose my way. I want more and have been lost in finding it. I don’t want to be lost but I also don’t want to feel so empty either. Things have to change and I can’t be scared to change what needs to be changed. It hurts like hell most days and my councilor is not on hand 24/7 so most of my issues just tend to stay bottled up.

Shown a better way

Prayer is not just an outlet, it’s also communicating, important communication to me. This morning I cam across an article from Mark S King, and it was a great article talking about the barriers about racism, taboo sex, living and hiv. For this who have heard of Mark King know he is a white gay man living with hiv, he talked to Charles Stephens founder of the Counter Narrative Project. 

This was a needed discussion and it shows why Mark S King is still in game when it comes to hiv advocacy, being a long time survivor with hiv, yet equipping gay white males with ways to ask the needed questions without alienating black men, and black gays in the community. 

The more I read, the more I enjoyed the interaction, I could see the genuine exchange and answers coming out from the point of view from a man of color that could not be denied. It was Mark S King’s tone of wanting to get to the bottom of bridging the gap of hiv in the community as a whole. I did not have to personally meet Mark King to respect him, he showed that as to how he handled himself as a humanitarian. It spoke volumes like a vast library. 

Mark came to understand more clearly the perspective of fetishism around black gay men. What it means and what it feels like from the perspective of a man of color. I could relate and it can be very disheartening to be judged and summed up by my skin color and erect penis size. It’s dehumanizing, and it’s not flattering or attractive, it’s sexist and needs to be classified as so, it may take time but I believe if I put it out there it will catch the right people.

I personally loved this piece, because it helped me remember that we all look for honest answers and it’s about finding the right people for the exchange. I detest having to argue with heavily ignorant white folk who equate racism to name calling, who lack even the basic understanding of what racism entails, and how it has effected Native, Black, Asian, Latinx, and Muslim communities. This flies over the head of those very people who feel Name calling is spreading racism when people are dying in record numbers to white people. Who ignore the clear evidence of wrongdoing, for their comfort.

I took comfort in what Mark S King presented, still I thank my God that I found it, because my anger on race related issues and injustices, has really hit me to my core, and I feel it has deteriorated my sense of needed compassion in these instances. I do well to not turn these needed talking points into ways to express hate.

The other unfortunate thing as well, is that intelligent men like Mark King end up in that black hole of bad white people who stir up trouble and keep ignorance going, so we need more people of the like mindset of Mark S King making their voices heard.

May 1st 2017

It’s a new month, I came from a Deadmau5 concert in LA at the Shrine. I went with a small group, it felt so good to be out of Arizona, it felt so good to do things with folks and not think about sex at all. It felt good to feel more of a person and less of an addict, like I had more self control than I gave myself credit for.

Even though when I was at the concert I wanted people to move in close and dance on me, I want to feel heat and flesh, so instead of that I danced until I felt heat and sweat and it was just as fulfilling.

Yet after hours of driving and being away for a weekend, my ex reminded me of how horny I get and I really do. I didn’t do anything and it still made me feel like I did something wrong, I felt as though I still needed male validation through sex and that was all that I was in a nutshell and it hurt, so when I jumped back into looking, my body shook like an alcoholic, I went from craigslist, to twitter taking in everything I could, and it felt bad. I get tired of being made to remember some of the things I don’t particularly like about about the gay lifestyle.

It just felt good to step back, and have three days without drama. Until this morning when I went and shaved so I could take pics to get sex, I didn’t do that, I just felt like I had to take a harder look at which direction I am going in.

Text lastnight

Every time I quit someone, some one is there to fill that space, when you called for a ride I prayed that someone else would take you. 

I knew if I took you home I would seduce you.

I knew if I took you home I would kiss you.

I knew if I took you home I would touch you.

I knew if I took you home I would be inside of you.

It’s wrong you know, because your with someone else, it’s wrong you know, because I could take you there take me there. It’s wrong because you know it and I know it’s true. 

I can picture all of the things I would do to put you in the mood, you know my hunger is villainous, more than a touch dangerous.

When my hand would go on your thigh, around your wast and below that line. How one touch would make your skin flush, the warmth, the heat, oh now your hot.

You have a boyfriend and it wouldn’t have made a difference, you would have felt me deep because I would have planted the seed, you would have compromised because I would have told you I have had your boyfriend too. 

Thirty minutes to an hour later, things would have really changed, things would have been really different, you would leave and I would drive away, I would feel like trash, but I would have convinced you to cheat. So I am glad I prayed, so I could get away, cause no one deserves to be in those situations and it’s better to say no or make anything up to stay out of danger.

Lust is not like Love but it can be equally as dangerous, add an addiction and it’s like a natural disaster, you can get hit and hope your alive to tell the tale. 

4/9/2017

I had a dream, that I was in a sexual relationship with one guy lusting after another and I liked the guy I was with hoping to start something serious with him, but he wrote a letter about everything he hated about me and it really hit me hard and hurt my feelings, also in this same dream talked about how aweful the sex was.

Naturally you ration why don’t you tell me how you feel? Then you realize that is just a normal response with people nowadays, tolerate till you hate someone. It’s like you have to work up to being honest. 

In that dream, I am getting under the cover oral, as the other guy and I can only assume he is a friend of the guy I am with or something, keeps peaking under the covers before the guy I am with tells me he hates me, and then I end up having sex with the other guy, it’s hard to follow, I just know that I feel pained so much pain feeling that I won’t be able to have a successful relationship with a guy or maybe anyone, that maybe that hate is not other people it’s my hate and shame for myself how I feel and still feel, inadequate on every parameter.

When it’s no longer the people it’s the culture

There have been many instances where I have come for the gay community and it’s becoming more and more apparent that there needs to be a facelift and a complete overhaul at how we have looked at each other, and treated each other.

It seems that even I need that refinement myself. Sometimes after an encounter I would feel the need to complain about how the community treats its own people. 

Past that it has just seemed to grow, from Craigslist to Grindr there are people from various ages or walks of life complaining about the games, people flaking, people being rude, all of the nudes, and the conversations that go nowhere. 

Pride was this last weekend and I talked to a friend who opted out of pride, now I never got an answer, but I have seen that from the FB posts he had been tired of all the bull coming from the community. All the comments that would be said, and I was completely aware of all of these things. I don’t understand how the community went from being out and proud to being looks and shallow.

Now it’s having sex with DL dudes, married and partnered or open relationship guys and people won’t pull away from technology to go organic like they should do. People don’t go out for drinks or beers like they could, people just put the wrong emphasis on situations, you can go out and get to know someone and that’s ok. People should be doing this more, I don’t understand it, when folks want to have a safe meet up instead they are getting interviewed when if you wanted to interview someone go grab a drink and quit playing around, people are about not having their time wasted and that is 99% of the time. 

FYI for all of these guys that say no response is a response, it’s not, I don’t know if you work a lot, if your in the shower in transit, so don’t be a child be a man and just say sorry I am not interest, or block someone it’s just that simple. So without body shaming, stop having half naked profile pics and pretend it’s not all you are, who lied to you…If you can’t catch a convo or dates being dressed it says a lot, young people do this a lot and then turn around and end up being rude AF.

Nude pics stop sending your nude pics and not coming off with an address, I…don’t…need…to…see…your naked pics. Stop giving people a complex, stop pissing people off, stop thinking that your attention, your self worth is based on exposure, it’s not.

I get reminded every so often to keep my distance from the gay community, it tends to fuck you up further and further and you feel empty handed.