Shown a better way

Prayer is not just an outlet, it’s also communicating, important communication to me. This morning I cam across an article from Mark S King, and it was a great article talking about the barriers about racism, taboo sex, living and hiv. For this who have heard of Mark King know he is a white gay man living with hiv, he talked to Charles Stephens founder of the Counter Narrative Project. 

This was a needed discussion and it shows why Mark S King is still in game when it comes to hiv advocacy, being a long time survivor with hiv, yet equipping gay white males with ways to ask the needed questions without alienating black men, and black gays in the community. 

The more I read, the more I enjoyed the interaction, I could see the genuine exchange and answers coming out from the point of view from a man of color that could not be denied. It was Mark S King’s tone of wanting to get to the bottom of bridging the gap of hiv in the community as a whole. I did not have to personally meet Mark King to respect him, he showed that as to how he handled himself as a humanitarian. It spoke volumes like a vast library. 

Mark came to understand more clearly the perspective of fetishism around black gay men. What it means and what it feels like from the perspective of a man of color. I could relate and it can be very disheartening to be judged and summed up by my skin color and erect penis size. It’s dehumanizing, and it’s not flattering or attractive, it’s sexist and needs to be classified as so, it may take time but I believe if I put it out there it will catch the right people.

I personally loved this piece, because it helped me remember that we all look for honest answers and it’s about finding the right people for the exchange. I detest having to argue with heavily ignorant white folk who equate racism to name calling, who lack even the basic understanding of what racism entails, and how it has effected Native, Black, Asian, Latinx, and Muslim communities. This flies over the head of those very people who feel Name calling is spreading racism when people are dying in record numbers to white people. Who ignore the clear evidence of wrongdoing, for their comfort.

I took comfort in what Mark S King presented, still I thank my God that I found it, because my anger on race related issues and injustices, has really hit me to my core, and I feel it has deteriorated my sense of needed compassion in these instances. I do well to not turn these needed talking points into ways to express hate.

The other unfortunate thing as well, is that intelligent men like Mark King end up in that black hole of bad white people who stir up trouble and keep ignorance going, so we need more people of the like mindset of Mark S King making their voices heard.

May 1st 2017

It’s a new month, I came from a Deadmau5 concert in LA at the Shrine. I went with a small group, it felt so good to be out of Arizona, it felt so good to do things with folks and not think about sex at all. It felt good to feel more of a person and less of an addict, like I had more self control than I gave myself credit for.

Even though when I was at the concert I wanted people to move in close and dance on me, I want to feel heat and flesh, so instead of that I danced until I felt heat and sweat and it was just as fulfilling.

Yet after hours of driving and being away for a weekend, my ex reminded me of how horny I get and I really do. I didn’t do anything and it still made me feel like I did something wrong, I felt as though I still needed male validation through sex and that was all that I was in a nutshell and it hurt, so when I jumped back into looking, my body shook like an alcoholic, I went from craigslist, to twitter taking in everything I could, and it felt bad. I get tired of being made to remember some of the things I don’t particularly like about about the gay lifestyle.

It just felt good to step back, and have three days without drama. Until this morning when I went and shaved so I could take pics to get sex, I didn’t do that, I just felt like I had to take a harder look at which direction I am going in.

Text lastnight

Every time I quit someone, some one is there to fill that space, when you called for a ride I prayed that someone else would take you. 

I knew if I took you home I would seduce you.

I knew if I took you home I would kiss you.

I knew if I took you home I would touch you.

I knew if I took you home I would be inside of you.

It’s wrong you know, because your with someone else, it’s wrong you know, because I could take you there take me there. It’s wrong because you know it and I know it’s true. 

I can picture all of the things I would do to put you in the mood, you know my hunger is villainous, more than a touch dangerous.

When my hand would go on your thigh, around your wast and below that line. How one touch would make your skin flush, the warmth, the heat, oh now your hot.

You have a boyfriend and it wouldn’t have made a difference, you would have felt me deep because I would have planted the seed, you would have compromised because I would have told you I have had your boyfriend too. 

Thirty minutes to an hour later, things would have really changed, things would have been really different, you would leave and I would drive away, I would feel like trash, but I would have convinced you to cheat. So I am glad I prayed, so I could get away, cause no one deserves to be in those situations and it’s better to say no or make anything up to stay out of danger.

Lust is not like Love but it can be equally as dangerous, add an addiction and it’s like a natural disaster, you can get hit and hope your alive to tell the tale. 

4/9/2017

I had a dream, that I was in a sexual relationship with one guy lusting after another and I liked the guy I was with hoping to start something serious with him, but he wrote a letter about everything he hated about me and it really hit me hard and hurt my feelings, also in this same dream talked about how aweful the sex was.

Naturally you ration why don’t you tell me how you feel? Then you realize that is just a normal response with people nowadays, tolerate till you hate someone. It’s like you have to work up to being honest. 

In that dream, I am getting under the cover oral, as the other guy and I can only assume he is a friend of the guy I am with or something, keeps peaking under the covers before the guy I am with tells me he hates me, and then I end up having sex with the other guy, it’s hard to follow, I just know that I feel pained so much pain feeling that I won’t be able to have a successful relationship with a guy or maybe anyone, that maybe that hate is not other people it’s my hate and shame for myself how I feel and still feel, inadequate on every parameter.

When it’s no longer the people it’s the culture

There have been many instances where I have come for the gay community and it’s becoming more and more apparent that there needs to be a facelift and a complete overhaul at how we have looked at each other, and treated each other.

It seems that even I need that refinement myself. Sometimes after an encounter I would feel the need to complain about how the community treats its own people. 

Past that it has just seemed to grow, from Craigslist to Grindr there are people from various ages or walks of life complaining about the games, people flaking, people being rude, all of the nudes, and the conversations that go nowhere. 

Pride was this last weekend and I talked to a friend who opted out of pride, now I never got an answer, but I have seen that from the FB posts he had been tired of all the bull coming from the community. All the comments that would be said, and I was completely aware of all of these things. I don’t understand how the community went from being out and proud to being looks and shallow.

Now it’s having sex with DL dudes, married and partnered or open relationship guys and people won’t pull away from technology to go organic like they should do. People don’t go out for drinks or beers like they could, people just put the wrong emphasis on situations, you can go out and get to know someone and that’s ok. People should be doing this more, I don’t understand it, when folks want to have a safe meet up instead they are getting interviewed when if you wanted to interview someone go grab a drink and quit playing around, people are about not having their time wasted and that is 99% of the time. 

FYI for all of these guys that say no response is a response, it’s not, I don’t know if you work a lot, if your in the shower in transit, so don’t be a child be a man and just say sorry I am not interest, or block someone it’s just that simple. So without body shaming, stop having half naked profile pics and pretend it’s not all you are, who lied to you…If you can’t catch a convo or dates being dressed it says a lot, young people do this a lot and then turn around and end up being rude AF.

Nude pics stop sending your nude pics and not coming off with an address, I…don’t…need…to…see…your naked pics. Stop giving people a complex, stop pissing people off, stop thinking that your attention, your self worth is based on exposure, it’s not.

I get reminded every so often to keep my distance from the gay community, it tends to fuck you up further and further and you feel empty handed.

All of my sins

See, men, sex, wanting it, and myself, have been my problems, I was find before I crossed the line back into porn, it lead to a lot of problems, today I paid for sex, sex that didn’t happen because I was stupid enough to pay upfront and trust a total stranger who went out of his way to take my money, send me on a wild goose chase and ignore my calls. 

This situation is all my fault and I am out of money because of it, I failed myself and though so little of who I am that I needed to be that person. Not only did it hurt, and yes I did report him, but that’s not the point I was so arrogant and naive, trusting and greedy that I put myself in a situation where someone stole money from me that’s hard to come by.

It makes me really want to be alone and stay as far away from men even more, cause I have a problem and the problem is me, it always has been and I am so embarrassed because it really made me look at myself in a way that I really didn’t thing I needed to keep on living, it’s like how could I have been so seriously stupid and reckless. 

Life is less and less about fun and games and it turns into more heart break, let down, regret, and more anger. I had to keep myself from wishing harm upon that person, because I should have just left all of it alone and that’s my lesson and it’s my sin and it’s my fault.

Put humility on everything

There is really so much to learn, to take in and in this moment my emotions are wrecked. I sent an email to my therapist and the answer I got back was really not what I was looking for, it did not feel like it was what I needed, I just knew he was busy and I just wanted to put my thoughts out there.

It took part of the morning to realize that it was really not displaying a humble attitude at all. I need to work better with my support system and get out what I am feeling. This past weekend turned out good, I had just felt so out of place. My heart and emotions feel off balance. I just regret my actions afterwards, I ‘am feeling like trash, all I had to do was keep going, the pills have been working I have been under control and I messed that up, that’s why I will have to work harder now to get some balance.

I have been in this continued cycle and I don’t feel good, I have no idea of what I am doing or still trying to accomplish. There are days that I really need to remember what I am trying to accomplish, to be better, sexually sober and not in these cycles. 

I need to be happy and appreciative that I can deal with myself with antidepressants, it’s better than how I was feeling and acting before hand, it was horrible, I just want to stop being and feeling horrible. I feel disconnected and real awful, it’s those moments that I question my existence, where I am going, if I’m getting any better. I have got to get off this path.

3/1/2017

I don’t know when, I don’t know how…

I look out of the narrow tall window 

Nothing to see but an empty space 

People that come in and out of view

Vehicles in and out in a single blink.

Hand through my hair, this smell unfamiliar 

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts

I touch my skin, is this even mine can it be mine

To breathe in to breathe out

Is it hope in depression out

Is it depression in hope out

Or is it all just covered over by anger

I think I forgot to know the difference.

When the mouth speaks words have meaning 

What I write is what I feel

What I say is what I feel

It’s an emotional deal.

It’s hard to think straight to not get swept down stream. 

I feel like I have been daydreaming 

Why am I in this hole

Who is that with the words sex written all over him

I am being buried by that same figure 

Of wait he looks like me

Smile child smile

The truth is up to your knees

If I hurry maybe I can finally climb out

It looks so far up, maybe it’s been in my head

The whole situation has always been just waist deep.

I could walk out at anytime.

The bodies, yes the bodies of my lust

Their grip is as strong as death 

They won’t be denied they won’t be deterred

They won’t stay buried 

They won’t return love

They corrupt my skin 

They corrupt my heart

They won’t die off they won’t stay down

They have all the strength in the world to drag me down.

Hands all over me, I feel no pain, I feel desire

I feel sick with lust in all the wrong places

This is my love sick, sex sick, addiction

That line between hot bodies and cold connections

Every time I say no I feel the hands

The long injection of lust, to feed to hunger

In my veins in goes

The light feels dimmer 

Almost buried alive lost and forgotten

My hand reaches out, can I claw out

To be continued…

February 27, 2017

The last few days of February and I am was in my feelings. It has a lot to do with me messing with straightish men who for some reason can’t wait to tell you that they are hitting this new pussy everyday, and in the same sentence hit you up for sex and stand you up.

I am tired of that…So I don’t know what I said wrong last night because guys like this don’t give explanations, you just need to be the warm wet mouth on tap, and the ideology behind this, again is be thankful, granted it’s not said but it’s implied which is worse because we are not communicating, and your wasting my time. I let him know through text, at this point if I don’t hear from him anymore that’s fine because I barely do and it’s getting harder and harder to meet up.

I don’t know where we went from joking around to me not seeing him. The hardest situation I deal with is my own self worth and not getting my self esteem crushed. At times I have to remind myself that I have had sex with incredibly hot guys in my life time and I don’t have shit more to prove, I don’t.

At times it can get hard to not be mad at bisexuals when it has nothing to do with the bi-community, it has everything to do with wading in the water testing bastards. I can’t go out of the way to keep labels out of sex but you want to feel some type of extra straight accomplishment for screwing a chick. Congratulations I hope she taste me every time she is on your dick. I hope you feel safe, now on a petty note, you want to go further with a guy and it’s hard and I get that because I wrestle with my sexuality and addiction hardcore.

So what’s my over all message for this post? Be more self aware of what your doing, who your doing and how it effects others and don’t waste their time. Also you don’t have to hate yourself for wanting to find yourself. 

It has taken a while to understand that I can and should just drop people who don’t fit what I am looking for and that I don’t have to be in periods of depression and I need to stop hurting myself with men, because it gets to the point where I would prefer to be asexual and be left alone.

1/30/2017

I have wondered why everyone seemingly is an amateur pornstar nowadays. The internet is flooded with everyone’s naked bodies. Then I started to wonder, is this effecting how people socialize and date in our era. Friends I talk to who have dated are single and have been that way for some time, like myself I just don’t feel as though I am finding quality men around I feel like everyone is trying to become a break out Star with their bodies. There is no problem when it comes to two consenting adults putting their business out there, that’s their choice. 

Every time is see these post on twitter they have wishlists of things to buy for these people and my money is important to me, they don’t take requests but they will take your money, and at that, you don’t really get to know these individuals. I feel as though since we have gotten to this tech boom that it’s advanced so far that we are swept up in it. It’s sad to say I don’t know what’s more comfortable, knowing I am not alone into single life or that it’s going to get harder to find quality men who are not about that life.

I am on an antidepressant, I feel it’s going to lift this deep fog that has been in my life, help me get a better handle on my sex addiction, and my life in general. I some what feel it because I am questioning my motivations for feeling the way I currently do. I don’t think this is something with people and a general over sexualize society that will slow down or go away, I wonder how we safely navigate and separate ourselves from this advanced era of sexual attention.

I used to think that stigma in the LGBT community was getting worse and in some ways it is, but in other ways men being gay being open being sexualized is expanding, everywhere. It’s growing, so what do I want? One guy one relationship, and the focus being on us not about everything else in it.