Too small to succeed

Spiritually I always wanted to be great, I was younger and didn’t have the problems I have now, Life was somewhat simple, then I realized that I was never going to be the same and that I did not have confidence in myself, that I really felt less than and I stopped dreaming, stop wanting better because it was not going to get better. I just didn’t have any incentive to be something because I am not straight, it’s eluded me since I woke up to sexuality.

So yeah I have been a challenge, because any good I have done or could do, doesn’t mean much to me because I am not straight. It’s been a life long dream, and even though other people are happy with who they are and want to be, it’s not me. I wish it was, but it’s not, and I still have this massive disconnect in my life. It’s not whole and I don’t know how to fill it. I don’t know how to be happy because it just doesn’t fit my life, I feel like happiness is for straight people, a meaningful future is for straight people, so many things.

I have been so unhappy, in want of something better, I can’t take being near other people nowadays.

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My room

It’s been a wreck and now I am in here cleaning it, I would never understand why I would get so triggered when cleaning it, then it came to me, that I have not cleaned my room since I was asked to move out when I was seeing Randy, it never occurred that it hurt so much to pack up this entire space. That having all of this stuff every where was a sign that I was still here, still existing in this space.

Even though I am forced to clean it, I find it’s ok to do that, it has nothing to do with me leaving. Just healing an emotional wound that needs to be addressed and healed.

Today it just dawned on me after all of this time that, this is the reason why I need to move forward.

Tearing up my foundation 

It’s another therapy session, today I am talking about foundations. 

It’s the ground work in which we build our house on. If you build it right and maintain it, it can prosper, if we ignore the cracks and shifts in the foundation, it can break you just like it can break a house.

My house is sun bleached, the color has faded, it looks dusty but livable. The foundation is severely cracked, its splitting the house. My house and my foundation are my life and it’s not stable. The things in my house are cluttered and unsightly.  I decided to get up take my sledge hammer and break up my foundation and house. It’s going to collapse on me and I see the signs. 

Why would I break up my foundation and my house? Importantly what does it symbolize? It means getting rid of people, situations, things, and ideals that are toxic to my environment. Breaking my foundation, my house, because they have greatly effective my willbeing most of all. It will take time, that’s ok, but I will feel better and I would rather start over then die by several means of my foundation. I will build a new and that’s just perfect.