I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels.
It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.
I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away.
I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?
Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.
What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.
Walking on a new road, it feels like a blank acre of property, but I am finding skills to build on this land. Metaphorically the proper of land is my life and how I can build and improve on it. The blank acre is starting over, and it’s my land to create something with so welcome to my new therapy session, let’s see what I build.
For so long i did not realize that I had a serious problem developing in me. This clawing urge for sex, i remember my first sexual experience, how often i wanted it, how i couldn’t wait to have it. I did not realize a lot of the things that i was doing to myself. I had a hard time trying to function because i wasn’t engaging in sex. It has been my outlet for virtually everything, being frustrated, alone, I would have sex until i burned out, partner after partner, as many as i could have. I had a ten year break so i often wonder if my addiction still counts or if that was sobriety, excluding the masturbation?
I just remember meeting a young guy on CL in my small town I was twenty-nine at the time, I just felt like i couldn’t keep a lid on it anymore. I had sex with a guy who topped me and usually that I did, right on the apartment floor in the next room with a people in the living room, I took off my glasses in hopes that I would not be recognized in the future. In my head i should have never been there in the first place, it had people in there. I just knew that once i started I was on a roll.
So now I talk it out with a therapist and unfortunately he has to tolerate my extreme horny nature, being 32 has me feeling that I don’t want to be centered around sex with nothing to show for it. No healthy relationship, single ans screwing around, I would prefer that not be the reason why I exist. I would love to get a handle on this, work more on myself and live for the thrill of the game of who is sleeping with who, no one really cares except how your going to treat them.