Twitter comments 

Scrolling through my feed and seeing a popular podcast and comic book enthusiast dealing once again with being called a racist all because people don’t understand the roots of the comic book characters that idolize come from their own place of privilege. From Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne, young men who inherited their money, had influence and power, granted intelligent in their fields, yet Batman and Ironman are not always for everyone because they are rich white men that people of color don’t relate to. 

It can be a tall order trying to reason with someone that you can make a character relatable but some circumstances don’t always apply. At times people don’t take into account how these character are symbols not belonging to everyone, take Captain America, beloved ideal hero, white and reflects a white American, he may have been played by someone black in comics but even that has backlash, why? People and our unwillingness to be open, that some of these characters are mantles that should be able to change, still it’s the outrage that reminds people of color, people like me they were not always for us and still fight to have that acceptance that we are American today.

The Punisher, he is also white, and despite his background is a white man who exacts out justice as he see’s fit and most killers that have plagued the news have had his poster up I their rooms, it’s that type of entitlement that shows he has a right to do what he does, and if you tried to change him the outcry would be as big as Iron Fist. 

We love what these characters have developed into, but their existence what drives them is something else entirely. Not all struggles are the same and it’s taken not just a diverse comic book characters but people who understand who are willing to learn about people who are not white and can live from poverty to affluent and be relatable.

The all to common thing is that your racist because you want or expect more or see a character that doesn’t exactly scream mainstream to all people. The funny thing in all of that is that comics use people of color in their comics and then go to movies and don’t bother making sure they are represented correctly. Their movies have been proof of that they don’t listen and the only representation that matters is the one we’re given.

Then you have people of color who are complacent with white characters that are relatable on the surface, but how many rich people of color go on expeditions like Laura Croft a white British woman, who is rich and is connected to do those things, and feel that race doesn’t play a factor. Can we still enjoy these games or comics yes we should not doubtedly but that is not enough. You get better by testing boundaries and taking risks and working towards better goals, not using basic reasoning of create your own, if that is the case then don’t use any people of color because you don’t represent us in a way that honors us, I am sure that would make comics very boring. 

We have responded well to character that are thought out and do us justice. Yet white People have complained on he most basic of arguments, there are not enough white people where are they, truth not where most black people are and that’s a fact sad but true.

So I got called a racist

I don’t like or appreciate how people have to bring Jesus into their white arguments about black people or to support Trump who is not Christian in word or deed. When you call them out your racist and When called one, I called that person a Satan worshippers and left it at that, I am sure it was a shock. It’s interesting that Trump would t take a seat at the table for the NAACP when invited but black people need to go out of their way to address Republicans and the fake gestures of inclusivity. That not only tells me that some white people dont pay much attention to anything that isn’t white and that is and has always been the foundation of white racist rhetoric. They don’t like that we play by their rules and now they are on the loosing end of favor, sucks to be them and the people who support them. 

So if they think pulling their version of a racist card is going to work, it won’t those type of people lack the efficiency to pull that off. It’s just good to see them as frustrated as black men and women, Asian men and women Latinx men and women had to be, I am sure that’s no fun. 

Admittedly it feels just as bad to roll around in vomit with these individuals who don’t care to know better, I am better than that but there is a pleasure from it that some white people have had for a long time, having to defend their views, their existence, their worth, their seat at the table, also their relevance.

The hardest part is that with all of the great allies and intelligent white folks I know that they are dragged into the ancient race war that the middle eastern people are involved in, it fules itself and takes away from the harmony we should have, yet unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.

So I choose to make better choices use some self control and not get involved with hyena pack antics.

White American ideals killed Otto Warmbier

This is America’s fault right here, another man in a country that has never been friendly to America in the least. Yet this your white your right attitude compelled him to steal, even though there were warnings not to remove anything, yet he did. Now what was supposed to be a trophy was now evidence putting him away in a North Korea prison for hard labor where he was undoubtedly tourtured, so what was his crime, being a stupid thief and an entitled one at that and it got him killed. 

Dennis Rodman may have picked him up because one North Korea knew he was not going to recover and had no more use for Otto, the only thing that’s sad is that he died on Father’s Day, what’s worse, his parents failed him, home training would have saved his life, yet it did not because when your white and rich in America you live by different rules in this country. North Korea is not The United States, where white skin is valued above all else. Now I have to hear about it over an over, North Korea is not trying to hear about all of that and do not care. They killed a thief trying to start an uprising in their eyes, it was all the justification they needed. It’s a horrible justification but one the North saw was valid. 

Republicans want to practically go to war over one white American citizen who died a thief.

Yet we can not get that same help or outrage for Philando Castile, funny how these stories run hand in hand. There is so much meat there, yet even in Arizona people can cover Otto, but they can’t seem to have the time to give him even a day or five minutes of breaking coverage, back into the shadows he goes. It’s sick and detestable, and we as black people are worth more than that.
I can see why Republians care this much about a thief, it’s how they got this country and it’s how they have operated ever since. It came back in their faces and now they are mad, they are mad because how dare you kill someone white and we should punish North Korea to the extent, no White America failed Otto and they need to come to peace with that. America as a whole failed its black citizens as a whole in their own backyard. Time to see a bigger difference.

When Boomer Banks gets it right

Take a good look at this, take it in and meditate, Boomer who is a Latin man gay and a pornstar talked to huffington post about an issue that has been frowning in the gay community. Gay men as a whole need to see this and realize it’s a problem and work to fix it. It takes a man to realize thee is a problem and speak about it and not be complacent about it.

He is right when people who feel that way don’t belong at pride or in the community because they do not reflect what it stands for, yet can stand directly in the way of others from showing that love. The community should never be at war with itself, yet it is, so how can it fight for its rights as a whole…well we will see.

I got blocked by a gay pornstar and I am absolutely happy about it

Chris speaks out

Chris Crocker happened to be talking about the new colors on the flag brown and black, and went into a marvelous speech about inclusion and fully understanding what’s going on in the gay community, it was brilliant. 

A pornstar liked it and responded, I though wow great, needed support from the porn community. I felt in that moment, it feels great to know that even porn stars who are in some way part of the gay community will speak out in support in treating people equally, I found out differently.

I found out that it’s still the way it has been for too many years. A person responded to Chris and porn star attached that it’s a preference, and you don’t want to wast your time (paraphrasing) and it’s just being honest. I resisted responding because there was no need to, I saw what I liked and rolled on. Comments like those I will not ignore, I speak out against those comments because they are not only dangerous words and still racist to the core coming from white people, because of this countries history with black people.

I spoke up and said I’m more than one entry that it is racist, that there are many factors that you can choose from that qualify as a preference without putting race in it, also that people need to stop trying to float around this word preference and pretending it’s something that it’s not.

I was not talking about that pornstar at all, I had no reason to because they did not bring up preference. I got blocked from that pornstar because that person took what I said as a swipe against him. He got into his feelings instead of seeing it from an adult perspective. If being blocked because I intelligently explained what other options you have besides race then I am happy to be blocked. I would not want to support someone who has a way of thinking that excludes black people. 

White gays need to stop

You have no idea what is has to be like to be able to told your not attractive enough in mixed company, that as a black person and American we are still involved in being not good enough on some level, according to white standards. That has not changed for too many people, it makes intelligent well reasonable white people look crazy with this foolishness. If you have ever wondered or really cared about what the problem is with people of color in the gay community rest assured it’s probably you and what you did or didn’t do and how people of color or the trans or bi community have to pick up the slack because not enough of you care but want instantly become experts on what the gay community or flag should stand for, guess what no you don’t.

I don’t need to hear this…

I have never had sex with a black guy but I am interested…then do it, I don’t know what stops you from maning up and just living and having experiences and learning from other people. In short while I write this and smile, I understand that for some your just to weak to stand up for yourselves and that’s fine, you have never really had to. We should not have to pick up any extra weight from white people in the gay community because you should be willing, which is why I have just felt the need to opt out because in short your like a bag of money of value at some point but worthless when the bag is empty.

Get shipped to Russia

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White gays who think to highly of themselves, think they are owed something, feel the world revolves around them, or feels it’s just preference, you have no value in the gay community or what it really stands for what it’s been built on and can leave this country and go to Russia if you feel so oppressed over how you personally feel. We black people have been doing amazing things, as have brown people as well and your too ignorant to see that, we are winning and doing amazing things, sorry you don’t want to be a part of that. 

We are supposed to be equal and fight for each other, sorry I opt out of being on the front lines for you to be cannon fodder, but you can go to Russia your not needed. You don’t deserve this community and it can do so much better if you specific basic minded people were not in it. It’s sad that everything this community has fought against you have become, because in the name of preference, people preferred that you die and don’t exist, guess you forgot about that preference too.

To that gay pornstar

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Thank you for blocking me, thank you for showing me that it’s still about white looks and white personalities that you have always been looking for, that personalities of people of color don’t matter, that it gives people in the gay community the same negative energy that brought Trump and Pence into our lives. So this one goes out to you because every time black people have to explain their existence your not for it. Thank you for blocking me because my comment had absolutely nothing to do with you and you took it that way without any clarification on your part. The only people who worry about race are the people who have no more room in their lives or personality to grow. Thank you for having a useless platform and living up to every basic white ignorant fragile stereotype that we have to be next to and thanks most importantly for the block, you and your bf can go to Russia as well, your not needed. 

Your a dime a dozen white gay fucking other white gays and it’s exhausting basic, and it’s exhausting having to look for something better. Try being better for once, instead of benefiting of of other people’s backs like white people before you.

In case you forgot your job is porn, were not talking about your private life, so when your job asks you your paired up with a person of color learn about the person because other gay pornstars don’t have your problem they come to work and I support those pornstars, but hey you could always go independent.

Pulse year 1

It’s not easy to just put into words how bad or aweful you feel for 49 people loosing their lives. I don’t think it’s something that should be so easily expressed. We still live in a horrendous society where bad things are becoming the new norm. Yet my thoughts on this happens to be, what have we learned, will it change who we are or will it just mark an event on pride month to observe. 

The most rational though today is this, have people learned? Do they even want to be better or change their attitudes and feelings towards the community and their bias against others existing in it? I know how I have posted and felt, some how this feels as though I should not be putting my input. Yet I am because 49 people died and I want people to understand and get that you shouldn’t not die for the sake of what people cannot accept. 

I don’t feel as though I have heard enough talk on it, it became a footnote, I think I was the only person who talked about it on Facebook, and only a very few mentions on twitter, maybe I am not following the right people, oh well. Pulse should be a reminder of what hate in living form can do.

I have chosen to keep my distance when it comes to the community for my own reasons, I just though people had more compassion than what they have had, my mistake, yet for everyone else who did, I am glad you said something I am glad anything was said. We should never normalize loss of life in any context.

Shade on me

The more I give to others who need me the more the distance grows, this should no longer be a mystery to me, it just means that I need to really use my perceptive powers to understand that I am not walking the same path as them. People don’t listen to what I have to say to them, to help them, I have travelled the roads of hard decisions and what I know applies.

The only thing I have burned my hand the most on is the gay community. I have felt like I don’t exist there and I have come to find out I really don’t exist in that space, I hold out hope for my own sake and I get burned, and that sting turns to harsh anger, because what can I do to change it around, I don’t feel as though there is anything left to do but walk completely away. I am tired of the games, if I am really honest with myself wanting to be better then I have no place with a people who won’t reach back, if I don’t learn this I won’t ever get better. I am tired of living in fear of two sets of people, I will either thrive or die trying to be accepted. I can’t do it, so shade on me for trying for not seeing I am a fool, that the clowns hat is on me and I am not even laughing alone just being judged and laughed at.

5/13/2017

I am getting ready to go on a family vacation without my mom, she is sick and she has an infection and fluid around her heart, it leaves me feeling weird and apprehensive to leave her behind. I feel uneasy because if something happens, I will be very angry. There are things I just can’t prevent, I just realized I am ill equipped to be on my own, survive on my own, because we do so many family related things which is not a problem but for me I have not ventured long enough on my own two feet to feel like I can say to life I have got this and I will be ok no matter what happens. So I am scared to leave her behind, I have not grown up enough.

Down day continued

I am really feeling it, my emotions dulling down sadness, yet I woke up feeling anger a whole bed to myself, people run free and happy. It kills my vibe, instantaneously, my emotions go and my interest goes with it, fun, happiness, activities, living, they go out the window. I forgot my IPhone ear phones again, now I can’t listen to podcasts to try and offset my mood, I am quite upset about that. 

We still say that if we can’t love ourselves then how do we expect others, well it’s interesting how we stay for abuse and hope it turns into love. Being single is a stigma in this country, there is always something wrong with what you don’t have instead of being happy with what you could attain. 

I can’t be myself in a world that needs to change, what is the point of changing myself just to gripe about the problems, and situations that still need to be adjusted. It’s not about these awesome memes that talk about being alone because you don’t want to deal with other people’s games and crap and yet, we don’t ask for better we just drift along with the contaminants in the water.

Next to nothing makes me happy anymore, it’s saddening, emotionally scaring. At the end of the day people won’t step up. 

I used to dream of embracing who I really am, but you grow up get realistic and drown all of your dreams in a tub until they stop moving and just float, so I can dry my hands off and walk into another room like my dreams never existed. It’s apple that you expect to choke to death on, to just close your eyes and hope this nightmare fades into non existent times when you can let it feel like dejavu but pay it no heed. That’s life for some not for all. 

This world is a demonic specter, that creeps on your shadows waiting, lurking in safe spaces, to pull you down ankles first.

The scent of agitation 

I try to stay focused away from the lonely period in my life which seem to become frequent. I wonder how I am so oblivious to everyone finding relationships, someone to be with be they gay, straight, bi, trams, yet still not me. 

My anxiety starts to rise when I see new couple pics the smiles the post the happiness, and that still I have none of it, how it twists me up emotionally, how it corrupts my heart. How it undeniably shakes me once again, how I can feel my mind telling me I am trash, that everyone can be happy but you can’t, that your very existence is wrong. Being alive is wrong, living is a punishment that is especially designed for me.

Oh how I want to scream and howl and lament in defeat, how I want tears to stream down my face, to cry so hard that I can’t make sound escape from throat. Where my muscles ache so much from the agony of being alone. I feel like no one gets it, that it’s something that has to be ignored, that my pain has to be ignored. 

I had to look away, I couldn’t cope with being a disappointment, I couldn’t cope with feeling inadequate, something that people have to get away from, that I am not worthy of being loved. That I have to go through life being alone, and I don’t know how to get away from it. It’s the only thing that motivates me to want to kill myself, it’s the only thing that hurts me more than anything. There are very few things in life hat have hurt me, but nothing comes close to this. I would rather die than think or feel that I will walk this earth without a mate, and spend my days bitter.

My Sages are bald white men

Navigating through life I have had in my life currently three bald white men, from school, work, and therapy.

All of these men I have wanted to have sex with, but they were too straight to take, instead they gave me knowledge to navigate through life, helping me find my way and discover what makes me tick.

They were definitely handsome and eye candy at that, but they always broke me down, challenged my mind and I feel that always helped to make me better, helped me plant roots, I believe that’s what their role is and I am glad I met them, three sages in three different periods of my life.