Mining black vibranium

Black history month for 2018 has been a change that has been needed, finally we are starting to open up the pipe on black Excellence and showcasing what we are capable of being and starting to show our worth.

I am glad that this is going on, when the needle gets moved, when it opens up the need for more people of color to show who they are. That smaller groups need there own voices heard and it’s just time with no more excuses and while we are mining the abundant resources coming from the black community, it is time for others to shine.

To the Counselor I let go of

I’m sorry, but I would have hurt you, asking me to accept things about myself, having no chance with you really hurt. It was the kind of hurt that I would never be good enough kind of hurt. It was just a long list added to the many things I have had to deal with people. Eric disappearing days on end, Randy talking over me, Daniel not talking really at all.

Just the clear cut bullshit that really sent me over the edge. I knew when I sent that email it was going to cross a line that I couldn’t come back from. Yet I had never been so relieved and at peace to actually say what I felt. So before things really got out of hand I had to let you go, it’s my fault and I own it.

There were things in my life that were not going to change, I will always have to struggle and I probably won’t really have any peace in my life and that I have come to peace with, I have not accepted.

I wanted deeper relationship with you that you were never going to give, even though I felt you should have. For a while I no longer felt safe around you because you had my life in your hands, you had a power that was not yours to have and I hated you for that, I resented that you could take and use against me, and I never felt that was helping.

I mourn for the fact that I will never see you again, and I feel that’s the only way you can be happy. That’s what’s important, every time I tried to take my hiv off the table you wouldn’t let me, I don’t care if I had to mutilate my body to be better change my quality of life. I am in so much pain I can’t commit suicide, I just exist like a corpse slowly going insane. How fair is that?

I am tired of being tired, having problems attach themselves on me. Maybe I should have just stayed on my antidepressant, then maybe you would have been none the wiser.

I am a self hating gay black man, who envies a straight life, who has to fight white people ideology from different walks of life across the board for what, to have no spaces left on earth to be happy, to be a part of a community I could do without, to still be that guy that no matter what, I see people better than me no matter what I accomplish and that tears me apart, to have so much anger that I don’t have room for much else.

That my pain is in my addiction, my medication, my skin color, and still I cower in pain and lament my existence, that I have to continue to hid and feel nothing but shame.

I would rather pay for sex then pay to be in a website where I have to reason with folks who don’t understand because they are not in my position, but I have to come to the ACCEPTANCE of things and people I can’t have.

Even after all of this I wish I could take it back, but I can’t and maybe one day you could forgive me for that hate and mean things I said to you. It would just be really disingenuous and I owe you more than that.

December 18, 2017

Yesterday I sent an email to what was my counselor at the time. He isn’t anymore because I told him I hated him, and that I wanted to hurt him.

The worst part of all of it, was not just that I said it, but that I actually felt relieved to say it. When I look back at it, it has a lot of cowardice to it, because I couldn’t say it to his face.

When you want someone to love you back and they can’t and I couldn’t, and I had never felt more trapped or emotionally raped in my life at that moment that the only thing left was to walk away. Take the blame like I knew I was going to have to.

I just feel taken aback because I just have this peace I didn’t have before. I should feel confused but I don’t, and I don’t want anymore counselor’s, people who can’t deliver on my level of expectations.

So I live with the fact that I can’t accept being a gay man and that I have to carry that burden, and that I threw a good man away because it was the right thing to do under all the wrong reasons.

I wish him nothing but happiness, but it was time to move on, and I over stayed my welcome in that department.

He doesn’t understand why I am mad or wanted to hurt him and that’s ok, he doesn’t have to, he isn’t trained in that way.

December 15 2017

I am estranged from my counselor and it’s my fault.

It’s been days since I wrote anything and this one…it left me in a daze because I once again got rejected by my counselor and I felt less than, I wanted to be mad and it was difficult to stay in that emotion, because I pushed him to where he was going to be straight and he wanted me to accept myself being a gay man.

Accept I was never going to have him, and that my addiction was contributing to my lack of progress. Unfortunately all of this is true and it hurt, it hurt because he has been the only worthwhile conversation I have been involved with.

Guys that I talk to, the ones I am not even having sex with, there is not really much to talk about. No real progression, that has made me bitter and angry. I feel like he just does not get that. He wants me to pay a dating site to find a relationship. I feel as though he has not been looking at the world in realistic eyes. People are so used to lying that they don’t want what they want.

From everything I have heard from gay YouTube to Twitter race is a problem, Time is another, and the shallowness of people all together.

I thought that if I was in anytime of relationship with my counselor, that if I could elevate it we could possibly be happy. I was just lying to myself because I did not want to face the fact that I just don’t have any real options left.

In my feelings on a Monday

I was on twitter yesterday and I came across a poll done by a white man in the UK who asked if white people feel they face racism, the only reason I saw this was based on a person I am following.

I pressed no, and was actually surprised to see that in the 90% so many said yes, and that lead me to believe, that something is actually wrong about this because 1. To many white individuals have been in the forefront of causing racism towards other people it was really hard to fathom, that they feel that way. Also I would need proof and examples because that’s what it takes most white folks to believe anything and even after that there is heavy bias on that.

So the person I follow said yes and said he wrote a paper on it. I stated that I only believe it effects people of color and not white people because of how it’s has been used, prominently as a tool of power.

He followed up with, so if a person shouts an offensive slur and it never effects you again it’s not racist?

I replied how does that hurt them? Put them in danger? Or how does it play a part in history as a sense of injustice to them?

So he continued that even though it’s not on a wide scale that to say that a particular group is immune from racism is dangerous to say, because people of color can attack white people to.

So I had to fire back and say the dangerous angle that he was putting out there is that people of color are on equal footing when it comes to racism, that it goes beyond slurs, it’s laws, it’s practices, and statistics that back it up. I continues to go on and say that when people of color mind their own business and are harassed and assaulted by a white person, I failed to see how white people are crippled and endangered by racism that he was making a case for.

I continued to go further by saying that since Trump got in to office attack’s on people of color have gone up.

Then he gave me a half ass link, so I replied , and he didn’t like my answer because he proceeded to say I was being a hypocrite and looking at things from a double standard.

I told him nothing in that story that he sent me gave me cause to see it was a case of racism, it was only until he sent another one, then I saw that, that particular case was.

If I was not so upset and in shock, that I was being confronted by a person of color on a poll done by a white person.

The more time I had to meditate on that, the more I realized, that I should have stomped that, when he came out and said “it never effects them again.” That’s the whole point it doesn’t effect them past their occasional hurt feelings. The fact that I had to pull an example out of him because it was not going his way.

Further more it made me loose complete respect for him because of the fact that, I disagreed with the poll but I did not get an explanation for why that particular man felt the way he did.

I am tired of the fact that white people get a pass for not doing or being better and I am upset more because I didn’t make a better argument of my case, and I feel like I backed down and it made me feel very negative about myself.

When it comes to racism it’s not just some agree to disagree, when blacks people have been killed in more numbers than they should have, but how quickly it’s overturned by one case of a polish man getting beat nearly to death. Maybe I have lost sight of the overall context, of hurting people.

34

It feels like an Adele album, the number aspect, I am going to make changes in my life that I feel that I am ready to be in that space.

How I make this year is dependent on me.

New Mondy

I still can’t believe this is happening and I am not talking about Manafort getting scooped up.

It’s work, and the best laid plans that change, it’s going into work and knowing that the space that your in will be under more stress, that more people could leave, that my insurance is running out tomorrow, and just getting my life together is another thing entirely.

Why are we always about the exit, if he left and I happened to be hired on first I would still be hurt but have a permanent position.

I still think that’s naive thinking on my part because it’s been said we are all replaceable, and that’s what I always need to believe, also I feel as though I failed him, I should have kept a better eye on him, helped more, or am I just stupid to that and he would have left anyway.

I don’t know, I wish I did, but at the end of the day I need to do better in my own life, that the circle of trust gets smaller.

Unforeseen changes

I was caught off guard when I found out the my “supervisor” in HR stopped working here as of today. It was a complete shock and, it felt like a bit of being betrayed, and even though I am single and a temp worker at this job, it put me in a bind because I have not even been hired, he approves my paycheck, and I am working on these projects and now he is absent.

What makes me really mad is that it always seems as though if your a family man of some kind that, I would have ventured that at times that would translate into work life. It makes me think of what am I doing and what is my leadership going to come from now that your gone. It also grinds me gears because I felt like wow I am connecting in a way with a person from HR, that challenged me in great ways to be better, it just feels like a serious let down because men are a complete let down and low and behold, it rings true. Well not all but, I just got ambushed and I am mad, I am really mad about this and I feel like how do I go forward and what happens if other folks want to check out at this job? Or the new HR person is a total monster, then what?

It always seems as though it’s an oh well type of situation, I am just so tired and aggravated about this whole thing, I am tired of having to make concessions for other people’s situation when they are low key making moves to roll on and I am hurt and over it.

God is not trying to bless America you blood guilty hypocrites

If you think candles and singing God bless America is going to get you blessings and favors you have lost your damn mind.

Why would God want to bless a country who won’t lift a finger to quit murdering their own people and shrugging their shoulders about it. Guns are your idols and Gods, so who are you praying to, I know who it is, it’s the devil.

Your God is the NRA, and your hands are drenched in blood, you protect your god with all your might, and commit genocide in its name.

What business do any of you have to be out their to petition God for a blessing from this sin? 59 people died, 500+ people are injured. One man and a weapon that normal citizens have no business possessing.

No amount of candles or singing will wipe the blood off of any of you! To argue so hard to be so selfish to have every weapon that people can get their hands on has not worked, it has killed more people.

That’s how this works, break records, many dead bodies, debate, candles, pray, forget, and repeat.

People are monsters and it’s more apparent that race, and fear play a major role when it comes these issues. The bottom line is that guns are more important than people and that the second amendment is now more powerful than the first.

God and Jesus have left this country a long time ago, why would they want to help the people of the lands I reside on, when they have no empathy for anyone other than themselves.

Almost 30 sober

Yesterday I came close to sex but it didn’t happen and for once, I just didn’t care or get upset at all, it’s just a test that will keep coming every once and a while. Still the problem is, that I wanted it and was willing to go for it.

It just didn’t happen and I feel that I am better for it. It feels easier and I don’t loose my mind trying to hook up with folks or fight situations that are just not worth it.

So I am going for the sober route and also putting my libido on the shelf as well , so that’s not bad, I think if I focus more on intimacy I should be alright and I can put a smile on my face.