Geez

Having a small part of Eric back in my life is good, I wish it were better, I feel lonely and it’s not a great feeling at all. Still it’s not, still can’t believe I am in this place where I am lonely and it doesn’t really change as much as I hoped it would.

Life doesn’t feel as interesting as I need it to be and that sucks, but that’s where I am at right now.

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I have not cried in a while

I have been holding in needed tears, tears of grief, tears of sorrow, there has been so many people that I know that have passed away, I can’t keep up.

I have been off my antidepressant medication and I feel everything more, even anger.

I know I need to let it go, and I am scared to let it go, it’s just not healthy to keep it in. I know I will have to let it out, I need to do it for my piece of mind for the release.

Anger thrives on the pressure so a good cry is needed.

Rest In Peace

Hayes

Found hung, it was a message I had to read from the mother of his daughter. So young so tender in years that she will never get to grow up with her father in her life. Life has been hard on him and have a record and getting past that is not easier either. It gets hard to hold back the tears and taking time out to say the things that needed to be said.

I feel this entire world failed him. We are always told to pull ourselves up, but let’s be honest, it’s against so many people and it’s too easy to give people a reason shut people down, force them to give up. I have never been in his position or wonder what was going on in his mind that death was the answer.

I understand it, when you get to a place that you would rather be dead than feel like you failed your child, maybe that was it, I don’t know because unfortunately I did not know him like that, I did not invest in him like I should have.

8/16/2017

There is so much craziness going on in the world.

Trump and his mouth

Trump has been vocal since Obama was president and now Trump has been looking very weak, and showing the very core nature of how he is and what he believes. I am not surprised when he comes out under duress to do something he does not want to do, if that is how he feels he should not have become president, he should have minded his own business and moved on.

He is officially the worst president in the history of this country and has made previously bad ones from 1 year to 8 years look better than previous. When history looks upon Trump I hope they see how his very nature further corrupted a country.

So this “both sides, many sides” rhetoric is trash. When these terrorist came out and started attacking people the night before they were about trouble like their predecessors, let’s be truthful, side by side comparison.

He bullied his way into office and showed the very savage nature that has been fostered in people for generations. He doesn’t look presidential he looks defeated and vacations way to much. Everyone who gets involved with him must be stressed and drinking because the amount of crowd control they do is titanic.

Charlottesville

All about a racist preservation of horrible ideology. Which seems to be the biggest oxymoron for when some Americans say that slavery is over that we’re past racial issues. You can’t be over something that still exists and is in your backyard. People died others were critically injured and for Trump to be in the office of presidency and won’t bring himself to not be corrupt or be a human being for one moment is something that all I can do is give the side eye emoji 😒 and roll on. It’s called “The United States of America” what part of that do people don’t understand 🤔?

People still talking about their views should still be heard, you loose that right when you come out like a mob of terrorist with tiki torches and chanting like they are ready for battle. Then the next morning they came out with guns, and shields and clubs and beat people, shot off tear gas, and also used a Dodge Charger to commit vehicular manslaughter. That right there alone tells me there is nothing that needs to be talked about. Everything dealing with the Confederate needs to go away and become a mute subject forever.

Cutting emotions

I need you to cut me, cut a chord here one there. Start light and make me feel it, cut me deep, smile and enjoy it, make me gasp, breath it in.

Nuzzle me touch my skin, make it sting make it count, three, four, five. Cut me like you need to, make me love the pain, cut my emotions like you couldn't wait to get rid of them.

Make me bleed let it pool on my body like scarlet colored rubies. Cut me for my sins, cut me for feeling, cut me for existing, cut me until I scar, scar the year 2000 mosaic.

Drag me to the mirror reflect your handy work. Cut me like you will never let me go, cut me like no one else can have me. Cut me until you can pull my heart out and leave me dead inside.

Cuts

It's been hard trying to get away from my sex addiction, last weekend towards the weekend I had one hot erotic dream about Peter Krause of The Catch and I spent that weekend thinking about cutting myself. Doing anything that I could to make my addiction my trauma go away.
I have not started but I think about it more and more, it's hard finding a balance in a war zone, it hard to find peace in scorched places, it's hard to not get preyed on.

#NoConfederate deal with it

Many people have taken serious issue with shutting down a show on HBO that has been green lit by two white producers with two black writers. The premise of this show is that the confederate won and now it's being brought to modern day.

Here is where there is a serious problem with this, apparently people have not been paying much attention to the fact that most of this system in America is still against black people from education to voting and just about everything in between.

Time after time if it has not been with movies it has been with shows and awards shows that has shown, white creators are too slow and resistant to change in this country and that people of color are not going to swallow a pill and go back into the matrix, it's not happening.

Donald Trump is the live action manifestation of why a show like this should not take place, where black people still get shot by police, or are the police and get villanized for the same actions white officers have done.

Here is the reality the trust is gone and I for one will not support a crap terrorist show like Confederate which has ties with the KKK, a terrorist organization. It's dumbfounding that for people who can talk about race, want to drag black people into a show where all the dreams of the past come true. Funny I thought this was the "United States" I thought we were getting over slavery?

This is the most divisive program that they could think of and have Beyoncé hell for her super bowl performance. Yet people still to this day think it's ok to terrorize black people and that's ok? That is not something I want to watch, when I can watch it for free on the news.

Or here hear about how 12% of black people are involved in crimes (hard eye roll). The fact that people are surprised that the black community are trying to shut it down before it gets off the floor, really don't know or understand black people at all and that's ok, because we know that a majority of you are not even trying.

If you don't understand that black and confederate are a no go then, that's your problem and it says way to much about the ignorance that is white society and the indoctrination it has over many people today.

HBO needs to grow and get smarter about its business practices, this was not just appalling but grossly inappropriate. Trump is the reason why we have Confederate, it is the rotten stench of trash that has plagued this country and black people for far to long and it needs to stop, it needs to go away it needs to not exist.

It's plainly evident that white content creators are obsessed with slavery down to this day. That they want to continue and keep alive the same terrorism that existed before we had to deal with ISIS, that's what this show looks like.

For the people who think we want or need this or would go out and promote white slavery, we are not stuck in the past like you are, there is a future and we see ourselves in it, so why your too busy creating content from comics to sci-fi, it's amazing how much of that imagination doesn't include us and that's a mistake on your end not ours.