8/16/2017

There is so much craziness going on in the world.

Trump and his mouth

Trump has been vocal since Obama was president and now Trump has been looking very weak, and showing the very core nature of how he is and what he believes. I am not surprised when he comes out under duress to do something he does not want to do, if that is how he feels he should not have become president, he should have minded his own business and moved on.

He is officially the worst president in the history of this country and has made previously bad ones from 1 year to 8 years look better than previous. When history looks upon Trump I hope they see how his very nature further corrupted a country.

So this “both sides, many sides” rhetoric is trash. When these terrorist came out and started attacking people the night before they were about trouble like their predecessors, let’s be truthful, side by side comparison.

He bullied his way into office and showed the very savage nature that has been fostered in people for generations. He doesn’t look presidential he looks defeated and vacations way to much. Everyone who gets involved with him must be stressed and drinking because the amount of crowd control they do is titanic.

Charlottesville

All about a racist preservation of horrible ideology. Which seems to be the biggest oxymoron for when some Americans say that slavery is over that we’re past racial issues. You can’t be over something that still exists and is in your backyard. People died others were critically injured and for Trump to be in the office of presidency and won’t bring himself to not be corrupt or be a human being for one moment is something that all I can do is give the side eye emoji 😒 and roll on. It’s called “The United States of America” what part of that do people don’t understand 🤔?

People still talking about their views should still be heard, you loose that right when you come out like a mob of terrorist with tiki torches and chanting like they are ready for battle. Then the next morning they came out with guns, and shields and clubs and beat people, shot off tear gas, and also used a Dodge Charger to commit vehicular manslaughter. That right there alone tells me there is nothing that needs to be talked about. Everything dealing with the Confederate needs to go away and become a mute subject forever.

Cutting emotions

I need you to cut me, cut a chord here one there. Start light and make me feel it, cut me deep, smile and enjoy it, make me gasp, breath it in.

Nuzzle me touch my skin, make it sting make it count, three, four, five. Cut me like you need to, make me love the pain, cut my emotions like you couldn't wait to get rid of them.

Make me bleed let it pool on my body like scarlet colored rubies. Cut me for my sins, cut me for feeling, cut me for existing, cut me until I scar, scar the year 2000 mosaic.

Drag me to the mirror reflect your handy work. Cut me like you will never let me go, cut me like no one else can have me. Cut me until you can pull my heart out and leave me dead inside.

Cuts

It's been hard trying to get away from my sex addiction, last weekend towards the weekend I had one hot erotic dream about Peter Krause of The Catch and I spent that weekend thinking about cutting myself. Doing anything that I could to make my addiction my trauma go away.
I have not started but I think about it more and more, it's hard finding a balance in a war zone, it hard to find peace in scorched places, it's hard to not get preyed on.

#NoConfederate deal with it

Many people have taken serious issue with shutting down a show on HBO that has been green lit by two white producers with two black writers. The premise of this show is that the confederate won and now it's being brought to modern day.

Here is where there is a serious problem with this, apparently people have not been paying much attention to the fact that most of this system in America is still against black people from education to voting and just about everything in between.

Time after time if it has not been with movies it has been with shows and awards shows that has shown, white creators are too slow and resistant to change in this country and that people of color are not going to swallow a pill and go back into the matrix, it's not happening.

Donald Trump is the live action manifestation of why a show like this should not take place, where black people still get shot by police, or are the police and get villanized for the same actions white officers have done.

Here is the reality the trust is gone and I for one will not support a crap terrorist show like Confederate which has ties with the KKK, a terrorist organization. It's dumbfounding that for people who can talk about race, want to drag black people into a show where all the dreams of the past come true. Funny I thought this was the "United States" I thought we were getting over slavery?

This is the most divisive program that they could think of and have Beyoncé hell for her super bowl performance. Yet people still to this day think it's ok to terrorize black people and that's ok? That is not something I want to watch, when I can watch it for free on the news.

Or here hear about how 12% of black people are involved in crimes (hard eye roll). The fact that people are surprised that the black community are trying to shut it down before it gets off the floor, really don't know or understand black people at all and that's ok, because we know that a majority of you are not even trying.

If you don't understand that black and confederate are a no go then, that's your problem and it says way to much about the ignorance that is white society and the indoctrination it has over many people today.

HBO needs to grow and get smarter about its business practices, this was not just appalling but grossly inappropriate. Trump is the reason why we have Confederate, it is the rotten stench of trash that has plagued this country and black people for far to long and it needs to stop, it needs to go away it needs to not exist.

It's plainly evident that white content creators are obsessed with slavery down to this day. That they want to continue and keep alive the same terrorism that existed before we had to deal with ISIS, that's what this show looks like.

For the people who think we want or need this or would go out and promote white slavery, we are not stuck in the past like you are, there is a future and we see ourselves in it, so why your too busy creating content from comics to sci-fi, it's amazing how much of that imagination doesn't include us and that's a mistake on your end not ours.

7/18/2017

I am feeling the struggle, sexual frustration of life and it’s not a good feeling at all. Things are weird in my life, and I working on trying to get to a better place. Just have to keep moving as best as I can. 

Eric, if your still out there I am sorry that I got mad, said a number of things out of anger and I miss you.

Life feels like hoarders, your always moving from some sort of trash in life to get to the other side.

Hurt with consequences 

My therapist does not understand this yet, it’s ok, my spiritual life is all I have left and I have to make that work. There are no other options and I can’t get it into my head that they exist. It’s too painful to fall down, that’s what makes me want to hurt myself so much. The wiggle room does not exist, and frankly I don’t want it to, I try to stay out of people’s way, I am trying to turn into a person that could be a great husband some day, yet my niece and nephew think I hate them. I don’t I just don’t know how to manage kids, and when I look at my crap childhood I want them to have better because they should.

I am trying to get out of my own way and I have to sacrifice more than I have. It’s funny that I am a sex addict, and gay andnyet that same combination is killing me and now I am on the antidepressants to counterbalance that. Yet what my therapist does not see is that each time I fall, it buries me with a depression so thick so deep it’s hard to get out. 

I hate myself because this is a part of me and I desperately want to be better, all the way around. To have to burrow my feelings down as well. The absolute regret of all of the choices I have made over the past two years has brought me more pain than 10 years ago. It’s a hurt in my chest that feels bigger than myself at times. I am torn into places I shouldn’t be in and trying to live in the one space where my happiness exist in.

Trying hard not to be swallowed by a darkness I can’t fight alone.

Shown a better way

Prayer is not just an outlet, it’s also communicating, important communication to me. This morning I cam across an article from Mark S King, and it was a great article talking about the barriers about racism, taboo sex, living and hiv. For this who have heard of Mark King know he is a white gay man living with hiv, he talked to Charles Stephens founder of the Counter Narrative Project. 

This was a needed discussion and it shows why Mark S King is still in game when it comes to hiv advocacy, being a long time survivor with hiv, yet equipping gay white males with ways to ask the needed questions without alienating black men, and black gays in the community. 

The more I read, the more I enjoyed the interaction, I could see the genuine exchange and answers coming out from the point of view from a man of color that could not be denied. It was Mark S King’s tone of wanting to get to the bottom of bridging the gap of hiv in the community as a whole. I did not have to personally meet Mark King to respect him, he showed that as to how he handled himself as a humanitarian. It spoke volumes like a vast library. 

Mark came to understand more clearly the perspective of fetishism around black gay men. What it means and what it feels like from the perspective of a man of color. I could relate and it can be very disheartening to be judged and summed up by my skin color and erect penis size. It’s dehumanizing, and it’s not flattering or attractive, it’s sexist and needs to be classified as so, it may take time but I believe if I put it out there it will catch the right people.

I personally loved this piece, because it helped me remember that we all look for honest answers and it’s about finding the right people for the exchange. I detest having to argue with heavily ignorant white folk who equate racism to name calling, who lack even the basic understanding of what racism entails, and how it has effected Native, Black, Asian, Latinx, and Muslim communities. This flies over the head of those very people who feel Name calling is spreading racism when people are dying in record numbers to white people. Who ignore the clear evidence of wrongdoing, for their comfort.

I took comfort in what Mark S King presented, still I thank my God that I found it, because my anger on race related issues and injustices, has really hit me to my core, and I feel it has deteriorated my sense of needed compassion in these instances. I do well to not turn these needed talking points into ways to express hate.

The other unfortunate thing as well, is that intelligent men like Mark King end up in that black hole of bad white people who stir up trouble and keep ignorance going, so we need more people of the like mindset of Mark S King making their voices heard.