Understanding

It’s been harder and harder to write, to journal out my frustrations but recently I have come to this realization, I don’t feel as though I can trust these hiv organizations or people partnered with them or those who push agenda’s because the more and more you wake up, the more you read the more they tweet you see that it’s lacking. I got on twitter to be more connected to those out there who are more connected to all things hiv. I happened to be completely on board until I came across a tweet about Michael Johnson getting probation, it was amazing I could believe it, he had been through so much 6 years gone and so much had happened in that time.

U = U campaign, there were so many things to be excited about until I saw who’s name was attached to the article it was Steven Thrasher. I don’t like him, and his headlines gave me reason enough to not enjoy anything he wrote pertaining to Michael. He would always start his headline with his online name Tiger Mandingo.

I was pissed that so much clout was being given to a journalist who referred to Michael as Tiger Mandingo and shared a photo of that same name. I never felt like he humanized him not once. So I spoke out and felt as though I got reprimanded by an advocate none the less I really respected. The problem I began to have with that is that this advocate referred to him as an ally. That made me feel stabbed, and attacked because now Steven had white backing and that is hard to fight when it’s been established.

You may feel why does that matter, it does because Michael is the name of the wrestler who got himself in a situation in a state that doesn’t care about people with hiv, despite the best efforts of some good advocates to advance better living and better comprehension for health with PreP, it just wasn’t available in Missouri the laws also were not different or changed in hiv criminalization because the message has changed and the science to go with it.

Yet how people treat people of color has not changed, reports from Poz.com brought out how people of color gay and bisexual alike are behind with the coverage they need and are unable to adhere to treatment because they are poor but I found this out later. I am mad because instead of a journalist who covered Michael’s story addressing him by his name, not Tiger Mandingo, he branded him, to that name. Even up to his release he still called him by that name, and people did not care, they didn’t even have the respect to correct Thrasher. Instead he is being lauded as something amazing because he covered this story, as though black people don’t have enough to deal with when it comes to bad perspectives. It’s eye opening of who will get support and who won’t. I thought something about these organizations about these advocates I shouldn’t have. That they are decent, that they would have had respect and would have been open to seeing that how a person is presented in the media matters, but they just don’t care. I had to see an interview about Steven Thrasher not once was he called out about how he headlined Michael and why he chose to repeatedly call him by that name. So I need to step as far away from anything hiv related as I can, because it hurts so much to see a black man who has less of a chance when hiv is put in the mix of getting a fair shake and all I see are the people who will promote anything in front of them.

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The good days

It’s March, and I have been writing in to a black podcast basically giving reviews for Scandal. It feels great to be writing, it feels good to be in a space that has allowed me to write and take advantage of their generosity on the podcast. I just try to be myself and use my voice in an informative way, I feel that this is keeping me happy and mentally balanced.

Even though I am without a counselor right now I am still using the tools he gave me, I still have real crappy days, yet realizing that I have a potential that I want to find out what it is and grow and cultivate it. Also I am feeling more spiritual in my life and it has been working out. When I have needed direction I have received it, that’s a good feeling to experience.

Mining black vibranium

Black history month for 2018 has been a change that has been needed, finally we are starting to open up the pipe on black Excellence and showcasing what we are capable of being and starting to show our worth.

I am glad that this is going on, when the needle gets moved, when it opens up the need for more people of color to show who they are. That smaller groups need there own voices heard and it’s just time with no more excuses and while we are mining the abundant resources coming from the black community, it is time for others to shine.

1/30/2018

Still thinking about you Davis, it’s hard not too, it’s really hard not to. I recently bought Monster Hunter World to play with others and I am doing everything but playing with others. It sucks, it feels hella lonely and I feel as though I am back sliding into depression. All that money and I am playing by myself and I hate it. I miss you, just wanted you to know that.

1/10/2018

So ADAP the people who control my ability to get affordable hiv medication sent me a letter than I will not be covered, and I am pissed. I am at my limit with stuff that is just not working anymore in my life, and to be told by my case manager cussing these people out won’t do anything because they don’t care about me. I could say it’s awful to say that but I know it true.

My health is being held hostage based on my ability to try and figure out what the hell they want from me and information that I can’t get from them…I am tired of this, I am spent, I am tired of every time I turn around I have to be remind just how unrealistic this world is, how unreasonable it can be and then I risk becoming immune to the medication I am taking if I don’t find a way to, somehow become compliant without putting my status out there and risk employment, but ADAP does not care and I at my limit.

Moving spaces

In the process of moving one office space to the next. I am still thinking about a lot of things. When I think about my sexual addiction, it’s a hard thing to wrap my head around. It’s hard to deal with how I feel, it’s hard to move on from men I have feelings for, feeling that possessive nature of I don’t want to let go.

I want some distance with everything that I feel being gay and it feels like the hardest emotions to put down. It hurts, it’s the part of myself that no matter how much I am in the outer fringe I still don’t belong there. I want to have sex with my friends and not only do I feel different, but it feels like it’s not enough, and I feel hindered, I feel isolated, I feel intense shame.

I have never gotten a chance to fall madly in love or have relationships I didn’t have to hide or date.

Life has not kind and even though I know people that are single like me, they are not gay like me, have a sexual addiction or hiv. It’s harder not to reject myself more than others could, I feel scared about people knowing who I am and what’s going on with me that, I lie, I am ready to lie, before I am ready to come forward and say this is who I am as a person.

To feel threatened in my own skin, betrayed by my thoughts and feelings, to where I can’t have peace, when I need it.

It aggravates my life spiritually too and it’s not fair. That is the biggest hurdle to endure. Feeling like a person who lives two lives at once. For some they feel like they wouldn’t want to be straight if it were an option, and some days I feel that way too, I just know it’s not me, I just know to much and I also never found the man I felt I want to be with so there was never a hope to hold on to, I have just been living half hearted and I firmly believe that hurts just as much.

I have lost so much in my life it’s just a very miserable life to be living let alone enduring, and I don’t want that to be the kind of life I have to endure that I am forced to live, that hurts more than anything.

I am not angry with God at all, I am just bitter that I can’t be all the great things I wanted to be serving him. That I feel like I failed in life, no matter what I chose, how can I feel so different and yet strive to be a complete person all the same.

Missing

I messed up Davis and I really miss you, I think about you and sometimes it get really tough and frustrating, I am moving closer and I feel like all I had to do was just keep my mouth closed about how I was feeling and I would not be regretting this decision right now.

I miss you and I just want to see you and it hurts that what I said hurt you and put you in a position to where you can’t work with me anymore, I still miss you though.

Run to you

It’s 2018 and I am without a man or very much men in my life because they either walked away but the last one I drove away. All I can hear is 🎶 Run to you 🎶 by Whitney Houston and the tears seem to let go and I don’t know how to stop them. I messed up, and I don’t know, I don’t think it can be fix, ever.

Life has been so hurtful, no matter what I do, I have been thinking of you since we had to part ways and I don’t feel like I want to go on. I don’t know how to let you go, yet I have been so negligent, I have to and it’s hurt so much. I just want to be held so much but it’s time to walk away.

To the Counselor I let go of

I’m sorry, but I would have hurt you, asking me to accept things about myself, having no chance with you really hurt. It was the kind of hurt that I would never be good enough kind of hurt. It was just a long list added to the many things I have had to deal with people. Eric disappearing days on end, Randy talking over me, Daniel not talking really at all.

Just the clear cut bullshit that really sent me over the edge. I knew when I sent that email it was going to cross a line that I couldn’t come back from. Yet I had never been so relieved and at peace to actually say what I felt. So before things really got out of hand I had to let you go, it’s my fault and I own it.

There were things in my life that were not going to change, I will always have to struggle and I probably won’t really have any peace in my life and that I have come to peace with, I have not accepted.

I wanted deeper relationship with you that you were never going to give, even though I felt you should have. For a while I no longer felt safe around you because you had my life in your hands, you had a power that was not yours to have and I hated you for that, I resented that you could take and use against me, and I never felt that was helping.

I mourn for the fact that I will never see you again, and I feel that’s the only way you can be happy. That’s what’s important, every time I tried to take my hiv off the table you wouldn’t let me, I don’t care if I had to mutilate my body to be better change my quality of life. I am in so much pain I can’t commit suicide, I just exist like a corpse slowly going insane. How fair is that?

I am tired of being tired, having problems attach themselves on me. Maybe I should have just stayed on my antidepressant, then maybe you would have been none the wiser.

I am a self hating gay black man, who envies a straight life, who has to fight white people ideology from different walks of life across the board for what, to have no spaces left on earth to be happy, to be a part of a community I could do without, to still be that guy that no matter what, I see people better than me no matter what I accomplish and that tears me apart, to have so much anger that I don’t have room for much else.

That my pain is in my addiction, my medication, my skin color, and still I cower in pain and lament my existence, that I have to continue to hid and feel nothing but shame.

I would rather pay for sex then pay to be in a website where I have to reason with folks who don’t understand because they are not in my position, but I have to come to the ACCEPTANCE of things and people I can’t have.

Even after all of this I wish I could take it back, but I can’t and maybe one day you could forgive me for that hate and mean things I said to you. It would just be really disingenuous and I owe you more than that.

December 18, 2017

Yesterday I sent an email to what was my counselor at the time. He isn’t anymore because I told him I hated him, and that I wanted to hurt him.

The worst part of all of it, was not just that I said it, but that I actually felt relieved to say it. When I look back at it, it has a lot of cowardice to it, because I couldn’t say it to his face.

When you want someone to love you back and they can’t and I couldn’t, and I had never felt more trapped or emotionally raped in my life at that moment that the only thing left was to walk away. Take the blame like I knew I was going to have to.

I just feel taken aback because I just have this peace I didn’t have before. I should feel confused but I don’t, and I don’t want anymore counselor’s, people who can’t deliver on my level of expectations.

So I live with the fact that I can’t accept being a gay man and that I have to carry that burden, and that I threw a good man away because it was the right thing to do under all the wrong reasons.

I wish him nothing but happiness, but it was time to move on, and I over stayed my welcome in that department.

He doesn’t understand why I am mad or wanted to hurt him and that’s ok, he doesn’t have to, he isn’t trained in that way.