Every time I think about solar power, I get happy, if feels like all of my problems go away, gives me something better to focus on.
I am feeling the struggle, sexual frustration of life and it’s not a good feeling at all. Things are weird in my life, and I working on trying to get to a better place. Just have to keep moving as best as I can.
Eric, if your still out there I am sorry that I got mad, said a number of things out of anger and I miss you.
Life feels like hoarders, your always moving from some sort of trash in life to get to the other side.
My therapist does not understand this yet, it’s ok, my spiritual life is all I have left and I have to make that work. There are no other options and I can’t get it into my head that they exist. It’s too painful to fall down, that’s what makes me want to hurt myself so much. The wiggle room does not exist, and frankly I don’t want it to, I try to stay out of people’s way, I am trying to turn into a person that could be a great husband some day, yet my niece and nephew think I hate them. I don’t I just don’t know how to manage kids, and when I look at my crap childhood I want them to have better because they should.
I am trying to get out of my own way and I have to sacrifice more than I have. It’s funny that I am a sex addict, and gay andnyet that same combination is killing me and now I am on the antidepressants to counterbalance that. Yet what my therapist does not see is that each time I fall, it buries me with a depression so thick so deep it’s hard to get out.
I hate myself because this is a part of me and I desperately want to be better, all the way around. To have to burrow my feelings down as well. The absolute regret of all of the choices I have made over the past two years has brought me more pain than 10 years ago. It’s a hurt in my chest that feels bigger than myself at times. I am torn into places I shouldn’t be in and trying to live in the one space where my happiness exist in.
Trying hard not to be swallowed by a darkness I can’t fight alone.
Prayer is not just an outlet, it’s also communicating, important communication to me. This morning I cam across an article from Mark S King, and it was a great article talking about the barriers about racism, taboo sex, living and hiv. For this who have heard of Mark King know he is a white gay man living with hiv, he talked to Charles Stephens founder of the Counter Narrative Project.
This was a needed discussion and it shows why Mark S King is still in game when it comes to hiv advocacy, being a long time survivor with hiv, yet equipping gay white males with ways to ask the needed questions without alienating black men, and black gays in the community.
The more I read, the more I enjoyed the interaction, I could see the genuine exchange and answers coming out from the point of view from a man of color that could not be denied. It was Mark S King’s tone of wanting to get to the bottom of bridging the gap of hiv in the community as a whole. I did not have to personally meet Mark King to respect him, he showed that as to how he handled himself as a humanitarian. It spoke volumes like a vast library.
Mark came to understand more clearly the perspective of fetishism around black gay men. What it means and what it feels like from the perspective of a man of color. I could relate and it can be very disheartening to be judged and summed up by my skin color and erect penis size. It’s dehumanizing, and it’s not flattering or attractive, it’s sexist and needs to be classified as so, it may take time but I believe if I put it out there it will catch the right people.
I personally loved this piece, because it helped me remember that we all look for honest answers and it’s about finding the right people for the exchange. I detest having to argue with heavily ignorant white folk who equate racism to name calling, who lack even the basic understanding of what racism entails, and how it has effected Native, Black, Asian, Latinx, and Muslim communities. This flies over the head of those very people who feel Name calling is spreading racism when people are dying in record numbers to white people. Who ignore the clear evidence of wrongdoing, for their comfort.
I took comfort in what Mark S King presented, still I thank my God that I found it, because my anger on race related issues and injustices, has really hit me to my core, and I feel it has deteriorated my sense of needed compassion in these instances. I do well to not turn these needed talking points into ways to express hate.
The other unfortunate thing as well, is that intelligent men like Mark King end up in that black hole of bad white people who stir up trouble and keep ignorance going, so we need more people of the like mindset of Mark S King making their voices heard.
So for some reason I can’t email my therapist because my messages comes back that’s it’s flagged as spam, so maybe it’s my email I don’t know, I just know that I worked out yesterday but really wanted to email my therapist about our last conversation and could not.
I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels.
It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.
I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away.
I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?
Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.
What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.
So I follow a variety of people on social media. Now what I need to do is not tap in and at times take my own advice about moving along. Now here is my problem, white folks say they want to make America better for everyone, yet they want to dictate how it happens, they say stop spreading racism, which their definition is name calling.
So then new tool used by white Americans is your racist, it’s this new age taking point also couples by tag in a friend for a tech lynching on social media, because I said something to you and my friend is free to jump in. The only thing that tells me and what I have seen is this, you have a degree in talk solution not action solution. What I would like people to understand, is that enough of white folks are not making enough headway, it’s like your not even trying, and not everyone is going to explain it to you, that is a fault of your people for not caring.
I get tired of seeing how many people are ready to argue at a point that a person of color makes and it’s usually by personal experience. When I can get called racist from an overwhelming amount of white peoples who voted for Trump, that tells us that the race war is still on and we don’t plan on changing our ways. People like to play the victim card and double down on what people of color have been doing and saying and how much of a front they take our tone, but your not going out there and addressing the problems, or bothering to lay down the foundation.
People are trying, the point is you call for back up to defend your honor instead of looking at the big picture. So here is the honest truth. White folks have ground to cover and it’s not going to be easy. Yet that is your yoke to bare, not people of color.
Also it’s amazing that all the while your steady calling any person non-white with a opinion you don’t like racist, have you ever let it cross your mind that it’s into response as to how people have been treated? You can make America a better place when you stop arguing with us and listen and accept that we are people trying to live.
When you think it’s about revenge, and you bring out that talking point that is your way of not wanting to do a thing to fix the problems that exist. That says you were never interested, you don’t listen and your not aware of what’s going on. That what is the most disappointing thing in all of this, your feelings come first, like they always have.
The most frustrating thing is that it’s these majority people I come across that think and act with these old white ways make white peoples making a real difference look bad and makes progress slow, I know I have said this, but this is the facts.
I did not choose which society or class or race of people that I was born into, yet it never absolves me of doing better or being better, something that wasting energy arguing with that kind of people has taught me they are not about change or putting in the work. The people who are listen and find ways to make things better.
What will help me is staying away from those talking points yet it’s hard when that’s where it is.
I know I can’t talk to people when they are ready to deflect with your a racist with no real context at all…I am done.
Scrolling through my feed and seeing a popular podcast and comic book enthusiast dealing once again with being called a racist all because people don’t understand the roots of the comic book characters that idolize come from their own place of privilege. From Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne, young men who inherited their money, had influence and power, granted intelligent in their fields, yet Batman and Ironman are not always for everyone because they are rich white men that people of color don’t relate to.
It can be a tall order trying to reason with someone that you can make a character relatable but some circumstances don’t always apply. At times people don’t take into account how these character are symbols not belonging to everyone, take Captain America, beloved ideal hero, white and reflects a white American, he may have been played by someone black in comics but even that has backlash, why? People and our unwillingness to be open, that some of these characters are mantles that should be able to change, still it’s the outrage that reminds people of color, people like me they were not always for us and still fight to have that acceptance that we are American today.
The Punisher, he is also white, and despite his background is a white man who exacts out justice as he see’s fit and most killers that have plagued the news have had his poster up I their rooms, it’s that type of entitlement that shows he has a right to do what he does, and if you tried to change him the outcry would be as big as Iron Fist.
We love what these characters have developed into, but their existence what drives them is something else entirely. Not all struggles are the same and it’s taken not just a diverse comic book characters but people who understand who are willing to learn about people who are not white and can live from poverty to affluent and be relatable.
The all to common thing is that your racist because you want or expect more or see a character that doesn’t exactly scream mainstream to all people. The funny thing in all of that is that comics use people of color in their comics and then go to movies and don’t bother making sure they are represented correctly. Their movies have been proof of that they don’t listen and the only representation that matters is the one we’re given.
Then you have people of color who are complacent with white characters that are relatable on the surface, but how many rich people of color go on expeditions like Laura Croft a white British woman, who is rich and is connected to do those things, and feel that race doesn’t play a factor. Can we still enjoy these games or comics yes we should not doubtedly but that is not enough. You get better by testing boundaries and taking risks and working towards better goals, not using basic reasoning of create your own, if that is the case then don’t use any people of color because you don’t represent us in a way that honors us, I am sure that would make comics very boring.
We have responded well to character that are thought out and do us justice. Yet white People have complained on he most basic of arguments, there are not enough white people where are they, truth not where most black people are and that’s a fact sad but true.
So I got called a racist
I don’t like or appreciate how people have to bring Jesus into their white arguments about black people or to support Trump who is not Christian in word or deed. When you call them out your racist and When called one, I called that person a Satan worshippers and left it at that, I am sure it was a shock. It’s interesting that Trump would t take a seat at the table for the NAACP when invited but black people need to go out of their way to address Republicans and the fake gestures of inclusivity. That not only tells me that some white people dont pay much attention to anything that isn’t white and that is and has always been the foundation of white racist rhetoric. They don’t like that we play by their rules and now they are on the loosing end of favor, sucks to be them and the people who support them.
So if they think pulling their version of a racist card is going to work, it won’t those type of people lack the efficiency to pull that off. It’s just good to see them as frustrated as black men and women, Asian men and women Latinx men and women had to be, I am sure that’s no fun.
Admittedly it feels just as bad to roll around in vomit with these individuals who don’t care to know better, I am better than that but there is a pleasure from it that some white people have had for a long time, having to defend their views, their existence, their worth, their seat at the table, also their relevance.
The hardest part is that with all of the great allies and intelligent white folks I know that they are dragged into the ancient race war that the middle eastern people are involved in, it fules itself and takes away from the harmony we should have, yet unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.
So I choose to make better choices use some self control and not get involved with hyena pack antics.
This is America’s fault right here, another man in a country that has never been friendly to America in the least. Yet this your white your right attitude compelled him to steal, even though there were warnings not to remove anything, yet he did. Now what was supposed to be a trophy was now evidence putting him away in a North Korea prison for hard labor where he was undoubtedly tourtured, so what was his crime, being a stupid thief and an entitled one at that and it got him killed.
Dennis Rodman may have picked him up because one North Korea knew he was not going to recover and had no more use for Otto, the only thing that’s sad is that he died on Father’s Day, what’s worse, his parents failed him, home training would have saved his life, yet it did not because when your white and rich in America you live by different rules in this country. North Korea is not The United States, where white skin is valued above all else. Now I have to hear about it over an over, North Korea is not trying to hear about all of that and do not care. They killed a thief trying to start an uprising in their eyes, it was all the justification they needed. It’s a horrible justification but one the North saw was valid.
Republicans want to practically go to war over one white American citizen who died a thief.
Yet we can not get that same help or outrage for Philando Castile, funny how these stories run hand in hand. There is so much meat there, yet even in Arizona people can cover Otto, but they can’t seem to have the time to give him even a day or five minutes of breaking coverage, back into the shadows he goes. It’s sick and detestable, and we as black people are worth more than that.
I can see why Republians care this much about a thief, it’s how they got this country and it’s how they have operated ever since. It came back in their faces and now they are mad, they are mad because how dare you kill someone white and we should punish North Korea to the extent, no White America failed Otto and they need to come to peace with that. America as a whole failed its black citizens as a whole in their own backyard. Time to see a bigger difference.
Two whole entries and hey were very in depth and charged. I felt like I had inhaled a lot of smog and it was choking me out. I want to express myself I also don’t to stress myself out on topics that I can’t always fix.