I spent hours going in on this guy who had the nerve to tell me and other black people that he cares more about black people than we do, but felt justified in saying that 99% of police shootings were justified and continued to go on and on about what threat did Dylan Roof pose that he should have been shot?
It’s has been these words and my actions calling him self righteous race baiter who would ask facts and proof of us but never really applied it to himself until I called him a troll and a few hours later, once I think he realized I was not going to cave or let him have the last word. He just left, cause I played the game that white people play, it’s not about what I said but how I phrased it and I need proof and the burden of proof is yours to prove.
I know these childish games and I am learning more and more about the micro-aggressive tactics that I am studying in depth. People think they are smart because they are navigating around slavery, the foundation of this country, gentrification, and not being apologetic for being white, well I have news for them, I can bully too, I can be that unapologetic black person that won’t play those games where I do the work for peopl, serch on and on, cause their main reason is to be problematic and justify everything they do of one thing, anything people of color do that white people don’t like, they always have something to say.
They feel justified in being annoying and superior instead of building bridges they are still the same people out there burning them. Worst of all, I bully back, I have just felt so into my feelings to be any and hurtful that I am just as bad as they are if not worse. I don’t need to thing and reason like they do, but I do I want them to feel as frustrated as we do as I do inside.
I saw a meme on Facebook where a black teacher asked the student what they wanted to be when they grew up, and the your black girl said “Alive.” It resonates so much because that is all we seem to want now a days the ability to live and die of old age. That is the biggest obstinate in this country the justification of ending a black persons life. Followed by the justification for painting white criminals as saints to be adored and are next to perfection.
All of this is not even my biggest problem, I hate myself and it has just boiled over to other people feeling it, my family feels it, and I wonder just how long have I been this hateful person? How have I turned into the black gay spiritual hateful person, and how do I turn it off and turn back into a loving person? Do I even know how to do that, or have I mastered hate so well its all I have left to give to myself and others? How did I get so lonely that the only person I am keeping warm is me?
I am such a horrible person that I have been told by my own mother that my niece and nephew feel that I hate them, that I don’t like them, I really don’t spend time with them or make them feel genuinely welcome like I should. I am surprisingly a very bitter at life 32 year old man. I have managed to project that onto so many, no wonder why no one really loves me, or why nothing works out, who want that in their life. I am the least open and most heavily guarded person I know, that’s why I stay lonely, I stay mean. Why my life is a wreck. Why I daydream of a romance gifted to other people. That I become a revolutionary of mean, cutting down all before me.
I think I wish I would just pass away so people can finally be happy, In some way I am tired of looking at everyone being happy but me and feeling stuck there. I need more, and I am not sure how to get it.