Living my truth: Self-righteous Bully

I spent hours going in on this guy who had the nerve to tell me and other black people that he cares more about black people than we do, but felt justified in saying that 99% of police shootings were justified and continued to go on and on about what threat did Dylan Roof pose that he should have been shot?

It’s has been these words and my actions calling him self righteous race baiter who would ask facts and proof of us but never really applied it to himself until I called him a troll and a few hours later, once I think he realized I was not going to cave or let him have the last word. He just left, cause I played the game that white people play, it’s not about what I said but how I phrased it and I need proof and the burden of proof is yours to prove.

I know these childish games and I am learning more and more about the micro-aggressive tactics that I am studying in depth. People think they are smart because they are navigating around slavery, the foundation of this country, gentrification, and not being apologetic for being white, well I have news for them, I can bully too, I can be that unapologetic black person that won’t play those games where I do the work for peopl, serch on and on, cause their main reason is to be problematic and justify everything they do of one thing, anything people of color do that white people don’t like, they always have something to say.

They feel justified in being annoying and superior instead of building bridges they are still the same people out there burning them. Worst of all, I bully back, I have just felt so into my feelings to be any and hurtful that I am just as bad as they are if not worse. I don’t need to thing and reason like they do, but I do I want them to feel as frustrated as we do as I do inside.

I saw a meme on Facebook where a black teacher asked the student what they wanted to be when they grew up, and the your black girl said “Alive.” It resonates so much because that is all we seem to want now a days the ability to live and die of old age. That is the biggest obstinate in this country the justification of ending a black persons life. Followed by the justification for painting white criminals as saints to be adored and are next to perfection.

All of this is not even my biggest problem, I hate myself and it has just boiled over to other people feeling it, my family feels it, and I wonder just how long have I been this hateful person? How have I turned into the black gay spiritual hateful person, and how do I turn it off and turn back into a loving person? Do I even know how to do that, or have I mastered hate so well its all I have left to give to myself and others? How did I get so lonely that the only person I am keeping warm is me?

I am such a horrible person that I have been told by my own mother that my niece and nephew feel that I hate them, that I don’t like them, I really don’t spend time with them or make them feel genuinely welcome like I should. I am surprisingly a very bitter at life 32 year old man. I have managed to project that onto so many, no wonder why no one really loves me, or why nothing works out, who want that in their life. I am the least open and most heavily guarded person I know, that’s why I stay lonely, I stay mean. Why my life is a wreck. Why I daydream of a romance gifted to other people. That I become a revolutionary of mean, cutting down all before me.

I think I wish I would just pass away so people can finally be happy, In some way I am tired of looking at everyone being happy but me and feeling stuck there. I need more, and I am not sure how to get it.

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I am so glad to be back to work, yet I feel that I am still missing something in my life, sometimes I get the feeling that as work is a great thing, I feel as though I am not working on myself enough, I want to let the walls down and let my thrapist in and more people, yet I strongly wonder if that will ever be a possibility, that I feel someway about myself, feeling less, feeling broken, feeling like I am first place in line for a concert but leave before it’s about to open because I don’t feel like I belong. That I don’t feel like I can really speak my mind without being horribly judged and that’s where we really are at in society, we judge to feel better.

For those who don’t care, it’s because they freely put themselves out there and know they will either be accepted or rejected, but you see them at face value and if you hate that, it’s really admitting that you hate them for their freedom a part that we ourselves seem like we feel we can’t let slip out. It’s also about that power, playing chess five to eight spaces ahead because the fear is too gripping to let it sneak into your life.

Black, spiritual, religious, and gay, all personalities of my being and a very real part of who I am. It was just last week that an all to familiar face showed back up in my place of worship, and I could not wait to leave, cause I could see the love they have for him and how they respond to him and I look at myself and realize that not me, I can see the hugs he gets and I internally watch my skin turn dark green and no matter who else I am talking to he has a freedom I do not, openness, to be and say pretty much whatever and people get to know him and for me I just can’t without exposing way to much damaged baggage for people. That’s probably also why I like my music dirty too, it fits how I feel inside.

I just want to bear my feeling feel as though I am making some progress that I am transforming myself into something better, that my own personal armor can shine like a hero at daybreak on the battlefield. So, being scared is not the half of it, it’s being comfortable being lonely because no one fits my puzzle, and you realize that you lonely instead of standing tall, instead of fighting a torrent of negativity.

What happened to peace?

That’s a good question, and I want to look at how that is effecting me and my viewpoints lately. I am afraid to read over my own blog posts because I feel that I am going to look crazy and quite mean spirited. I have just been feeling alone and I think that if we are not at peace with ourselves with who we are, we simply tend to lash out or possibly feel stuck. I feel that I want what others have been moving towards, unequivocally freedom. This open piece of mind that helps us move faster than the speed of light, to breathe deeper than you ever have before because you feel woke and the whole world is a possibility that you never though you would achieve so soon or early in life. Life has been this struggle I have been so desperate to win and I find I constantly scoff at the fact that mine is one of complications.

There is a fine line between wanting to be sought after and desired to being thoughtlessly objectified and fetishized. Do I want love or do I want a rolodex of men who I trusted my way though like some Greek war story. Honestly I came to so many facts in my life, that I don’t know how to talk to people, men especially and eye contact is hard for me, to look someone in their eyes and feel on equal footing. Sex does not require those skills, I possibly kiss if necessary and I just dive into it, trying to last as long as possible, and funny enough I want closeness that I won’t get from that person. So now I am some what celibate, no thinking of men, no porn, no, craigslist, no grindr, no jackd, no curiosity, just peace, just solitude, or want and it feels good, I don’t miss any of it, I don’t feel a want for Sex and this feeling is totally acceptable to me.

I don’t know if I just feel peace or I feel empty and dead inside, all I know is that in this moment I am not hurting for love or acceptance from a community that really doea not exist for me anymore, that sometimes waking up you realize that there are so many things that you can’t have because my reality has changed and it just does not fit in it anymore. I am glad that others have found love acceptance and happiness, I think I needed to find another way, I don’t see it as denial anymore, I have just seen and heard way to much from people just as woke as myself. Besides I want to be able to express myself more without feeling the need to indulge in the irritations of life that bother me. I just want to stay true to whoever I really feel I am inside and be at peace with that person inside and out.

Colton Haynes Coming Out to Out Magazine pt1.

Let me start out by saying again, that this is my opinion and that you may not agree with my view point, yet it is my view point based on what Colton has put out there, and also what has been discovered through his career.

It was yesterday that i found out that Colton Haynes officially came out in May 2016 through Entertainment Weekly, I remember seeing an off ended post form Colton that hinted and suggested that he never really hid his sexuality and had been out that post had been some time back. I though nothing of it, because its the usual smokescreen of mind your business, regardless of the fact that since 2011 when Colton was on Teen Wolf for two seasons after the XY covershoot in 2006 when it surfaced and put him in a spotlight he was not ready for. Since 2010 and now being out in 2016 there have been a good number of celebrities who have taken a hold of their lives and lived their truth. Caitlyn Jenner, Tim Cook, Miley Cyrus, Keegan Hirst, Sam Stanley, David Denson, Ramona Bachmann, Ty Herndon, Billy Gilman, Lily Rose-Depp,  Jonathan Rachel Clynch, Jess Glynne, Matt Cage, Adam Rippon, Cara Delevingne, Jussie Smollett, Nyle DiMarco, Michael Sam, Ellen Page, Tyler Glenn, Connor Franta, Ruby Rose, Sam Smith, Lauren, Neidigh, Rob Kearney, Ian Thorpe, etc.

What has me questioning Colton more and more came after I read part of and interview with Colton Haynes, note not the entire interview through Out Magazine, verse his coming out in May of this year. The whole situation has not felt like a genuine biopic, what it has managed to come across as a slam piece against Noah Galvin for his comments that dropped his name in it. What confused me the most about this upcoming article is that he already made a statement. So when the topic is coming back up again in this interview for Out Magazine, instead of centering solely what everyone wants to know is about his coming out and why he waited so long, I was very turned off. It really gave me the impression that he was taking another shot at Noah Galvin and drag him, and Colton will not get any sympathy from me on this. The one time to really focus on his message and what his goals are now when i take the time out to read the article in September I will also look at this as an attention grab like the Callum McSwiggen incident, it reeks so bad and that is not how i thought this would be going down.

Truth be told it seems and feels very taboo to talk about or even have an opinion on those who come out. Usually that does not happen, usually the only criticism comes form people wanting rape or death to those who come out,sad but very true. Colton coming out and doing what he has needed to do for his own mental and emotional health is more than fine. I do not find that it helps that oh now he is doing this exclusive with Out Magazine so closely with Callum and Noah still in the wind of being current news. The reason why I have made mention of Callum is that now when White gays come out and say something now its looked at as a needed attention grab and reflects poorly upon the gay community as a whole, but white gays get away with far more and are held accountable less and people pour out support without understanding the premise. Now Noah Galvin made the comment he did based on what Colton not clarifying his coming out, that is on him and not on Noah, because so many people go that route and 2010 and beyond has been a big decade for people and celebrities to come out so his timing is very suspect and the reason why people don’t see that as being the issue is that his team went about scrubbing away his XY covershoot, and now this story that can not be verified that his father took his life due to his coming out. There are just holes and its very inconsistent, it comes across as Colton did this interview to personally attention grab, he has been off the TV scene for some time and even though actor’s and actresses want to protect their image and have opportunities for more roles in life, so I feel like why now, and with so many, many men and women coming out that if you did not need the attention or that Colton really did not feel like lying anymore or did not want sympathy then why wait? Hell even Charlie Carver came out on instagram and he was on the same teen wolf show also on HBO and is making his life work for him without being extra or messy.

I realize that my my blog post seems more angry than it seems as though its pointing out facts and that has a point, so if you missed it here it is. Colton Haynes is giving me an impression that he needs attention and to stay in the spotlight regardless of the fact that he removed himself some time ago. He has had time and opportunity to get his story out there and do it in his own way, he has had plenty of time. I think that it is messy to use his father’s death since he was told it he caused it by coming out, and since no one will know the truth why make that a focal point of his coming out, when he never really made it sound like they were horribly estranged and to be honest this happens in gay life all of the time, plenty of gay men and women are told horrible and hurtful things that have nothing to do with them. Also with so many other celebs coming out and the climate changing it just does not leave Colton with much credibility at this point and as I can understand about not being ready, but how you come across in that matter had different consequences for others who cant protect themselves while feeling the need to come out. Also he is not the only actor or actress to face daunting pressure about their sexuality, like Wentworth Miller, I remember Perez Hilton being all over him about his sexuality until he made the move on his own terms to come out.

This is pretty much horrible to say, but even after Orlando it would have been the best time to come out since his fathers death had impacted his own sexuality at the time. I feel that I would have respected that to some degree even though people would have been mad at that too. Between death and sexuality at that point since he came out in May and this took place in June, I would have looked at him as someone who understood the impact on not having resolved issues, his father knew a part of who Colton is, but for the victims in the Orlando Pulse shooting that is the first time people knew their truth.

I look forward to reading the interview in its entirety and seeing how my view had either differed or stayed the same when i read it.