To the Counselor I let go of

I’m sorry, but I would have hurt you, asking me to accept things about myself, having no chance with you really hurt. It was the kind of hurt that I would never be good enough kind of hurt. It was just a long list added to the many things I have had to deal with people. Eric disappearing days on end, Randy talking over me, Daniel not talking really at all.

Just the clear cut bullshit that really sent me over the edge. I knew when I sent that email it was going to cross a line that I couldn’t come back from. Yet I had never been so relieved and at peace to actually say what I felt. So before things really got out of hand I had to let you go, it’s my fault and I own it.

There were things in my life that were not going to change, I will always have to struggle and I probably won’t really have any peace in my life and that I have come to peace with, I have not accepted.

I wanted deeper relationship with you that you were never going to give, even though I felt you should have. For a while I no longer felt safe around you because you had my life in your hands, you had a power that was not yours to have and I hated you for that, I resented that you could take and use against me, and I never felt that was helping.

I mourn for the fact that I will never see you again, and I feel that’s the only way you can be happy. That’s what’s important, every time I tried to take my hiv off the table you wouldn’t let me, I don’t care if I had to mutilate my body to be better change my quality of life. I am in so much pain I can’t commit suicide, I just exist like a corpse slowly going insane. How fair is that?

I am tired of being tired, having problems attach themselves on me. Maybe I should have just stayed on my antidepressant, then maybe you would have been none the wiser.

I am a self hating gay black man, who envies a straight life, who has to fight white people ideology from different walks of life across the board for what, to have no spaces left on earth to be happy, to be a part of a community I could do without, to still be that guy that no matter what, I see people better than me no matter what I accomplish and that tears me apart, to have so much anger that I don’t have room for much else.

That my pain is in my addiction, my medication, my skin color, and still I cower in pain and lament my existence, that I have to continue to hid and feel nothing but shame.

I would rather pay for sex then pay to be in a website where I have to reason with folks who don’t understand because they are not in my position, but I have to come to the ACCEPTANCE of things and people I can’t have.

Even after all of this I wish I could take it back, but I can’t and maybe one day you could forgive me for that hate and mean things I said to you. It would just be really disingenuous and I owe you more than that.

December 18, 2017

Yesterday I sent an email to what was my counselor at the time. He isn’t anymore because I told him I hated him, and that I wanted to hurt him.

The worst part of all of it, was not just that I said it, but that I actually felt relieved to say it. When I look back at it, it has a lot of cowardice to it, because I couldn’t say it to his face.

When you want someone to love you back and they can’t and I couldn’t, and I had never felt more trapped or emotionally raped in my life at that moment that the only thing left was to walk away. Take the blame like I knew I was going to have to.

I just feel taken aback because I just have this peace I didn’t have before. I should feel confused but I don’t, and I don’t want anymore counselor’s, people who can’t deliver on my level of expectations.

So I live with the fact that I can’t accept being a gay man and that I have to carry that burden, and that I threw a good man away because it was the right thing to do under all the wrong reasons.

I wish him nothing but happiness, but it was time to move on, and I over stayed my welcome in that department.

He doesn’t understand why I am mad or wanted to hurt him and that’s ok, he doesn’t have to, he isn’t trained in that way.

December 15 2017

I am estranged from my counselor and it’s my fault.

It’s been days since I wrote anything and this one…it left me in a daze because I once again got rejected by my counselor and I felt less than, I wanted to be mad and it was difficult to stay in that emotion, because I pushed him to where he was going to be straight and he wanted me to accept myself being a gay man.

Accept I was never going to have him, and that my addiction was contributing to my lack of progress. Unfortunately all of this is true and it hurt, it hurt because he has been the only worthwhile conversation I have been involved with.

Guys that I talk to, the ones I am not even having sex with, there is not really much to talk about. No real progression, that has made me bitter and angry. I feel like he just does not get that. He wants me to pay a dating site to find a relationship. I feel as though he has not been looking at the world in realistic eyes. People are so used to lying that they don’t want what they want.

From everything I have heard from gay YouTube to Twitter race is a problem, Time is another, and the shallowness of people all together.

I thought that if I was in anytime of relationship with my counselor, that if I could elevate it we could possibly be happy. I was just lying to myself because I did not want to face the fact that I just don’t have any real options left.

12/6/2017

I feel like I am loosing my mind and that I am in a loop and I need to work on new habits and neural pathways. As time goes by it feels like I always have to decompress and when it comes to decompressing I just feel alone and in an electronic bubble, it just feels like it a cracked jar, to where I can fill it up, but it’s leaking all of the time, and it just feels rough.

12/5/2017

I am back to that part of my medication where I am having problems sleeping, I stay up later than I want.

I hate those periods that I have to go through, they tend to be rough, well at least I am waiting but I have insurance now, medical at that while working as a temp.

Called Randy today, that was a mistake, he is still talking over me and expects me to do things for him, and that reminds me why I wanted him in Wisconsin, that was worth the pain and I don’t regret that.

I wish I had someone laying next to me, but the only thing next to me is my tablet. It’s a an alternative addiction but I still feel the grip of needing sex, from anyone I can get it from, I would want it from my counselor, but he will say no, or ignore my existence, and that hurts more, the fact he would just ignore me, like it’s a cool down period and then it will go away, I wish it were that easy.

12-4-2017

It’s December, the year is on its way out and I still want to have sex with my counselor. Today I have to focus on getting insurance and there is stuff to do with that.

It’s just sometimes when I think about sex with my counselor, I feel like I want rough aggressive sex with him. I often feel weird about it because it feels like this whole tree of sexuality seems to branch off more and more. At times I can’t get it out of my head, also I have writers block so I want to move past that as best as possible.

I am still trying to figure out where I am at, and how to grow. I am at work and kinda feeling like I am losing my mind a bit. Sex feels like a mix of colors, at times when I would like it to be colors side by side, having some form of personal space. I really don’t have that, I feel things are still mixed and I don’t how to separate it.

Right now sex and gay feel like situations to get over and not really talk about. It’s hard to separate, this I have noticed, it’s hard to be honest about it.

It feels like I am a disappointment, connections are still based on masks and it bothers me from time to time.

Writers block

I have it and I recently spent 86 dollars getting Microsoft Word in order to write and now, it’s insanity.