4/24/2018

Today feels better, working instead of being stagnant, been reflecting and wondering how I can come back and get counseling at the place where I get all my other services, but I don’t know, it was good to see my previous counselor, but it was hi and bye and it was disheartening, because then I have to feel like his life is better without my drama in it.

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The good days

It’s March, and I have been writing in to a black podcast basically giving reviews for Scandal. It feels great to be writing, it feels good to be in a space that has allowed me to write and take advantage of their generosity on the podcast. I just try to be myself and use my voice in an informative way, I feel that this is keeping me happy and mentally balanced.

Even though I am without a counselor right now I am still using the tools he gave me, I still have real crappy days, yet realizing that I have a potential that I want to find out what it is and grow and cultivate it. Also I am feeling more spiritual in my life and it has been working out. When I have needed direction I have received it, that’s a good feeling to experience.

Moving spaces

In the process of moving one office space to the next. I am still thinking about a lot of things. When I think about my sexual addiction, it’s a hard thing to wrap my head around. It’s hard to deal with how I feel, it’s hard to move on from men I have feelings for, feeling that possessive nature of I don’t want to let go.

I want some distance with everything that I feel being gay and it feels like the hardest emotions to put down. It hurts, it’s the part of myself that no matter how much I am in the outer fringe I still don’t belong there. I want to have sex with my friends and not only do I feel different, but it feels like it’s not enough, and I feel hindered, I feel isolated, I feel intense shame.

I have never gotten a chance to fall madly in love or have relationships I didn’t have to hide or date.

Life has not kind and even though I know people that are single like me, they are not gay like me, have a sexual addiction or hiv. It’s harder not to reject myself more than others could, I feel scared about people knowing who I am and what’s going on with me that, I lie, I am ready to lie, before I am ready to come forward and say this is who I am as a person.

To feel threatened in my own skin, betrayed by my thoughts and feelings, to where I can’t have peace, when I need it.

It aggravates my life spiritually too and it’s not fair. That is the biggest hurdle to endure. Feeling like a person who lives two lives at once. For some they feel like they wouldn’t want to be straight if it were an option, and some days I feel that way too, I just know it’s not me, I just know to much and I also never found the man I felt I want to be with so there was never a hope to hold on to, I have just been living half hearted and I firmly believe that hurts just as much.

I have lost so much in my life it’s just a very miserable life to be living let alone enduring, and I don’t want that to be the kind of life I have to endure that I am forced to live, that hurts more than anything.

I am not angry with God at all, I am just bitter that I can’t be all the great things I wanted to be serving him. That I feel like I failed in life, no matter what I chose, how can I feel so different and yet strive to be a complete person all the same.

Missing

I messed up Davis and I really miss you, I think about you and sometimes it get really tough and frustrating, I am moving closer and I feel like all I had to do was just keep my mouth closed about how I was feeling and I would not be regretting this decision right now.

I miss you and I just want to see you and it hurts that what I said hurt you and put you in a position to where you can’t work with me anymore, I still miss you though.

To the Counselor I let go of

I’m sorry, but I would have hurt you, asking me to accept things about myself, having no chance with you really hurt. It was the kind of hurt that I would never be good enough kind of hurt. It was just a long list added to the many things I have had to deal with people. Eric disappearing days on end, Randy talking over me, Daniel not talking really at all.

Just the clear cut bullshit that really sent me over the edge. I knew when I sent that email it was going to cross a line that I couldn’t come back from. Yet I had never been so relieved and at peace to actually say what I felt. So before things really got out of hand I had to let you go, it’s my fault and I own it.

There were things in my life that were not going to change, I will always have to struggle and I probably won’t really have any peace in my life and that I have come to peace with, I have not accepted.

I wanted deeper relationship with you that you were never going to give, even though I felt you should have. For a while I no longer felt safe around you because you had my life in your hands, you had a power that was not yours to have and I hated you for that, I resented that you could take and use against me, and I never felt that was helping.

I mourn for the fact that I will never see you again, and I feel that’s the only way you can be happy. That’s what’s important, every time I tried to take my hiv off the table you wouldn’t let me, I don’t care if I had to mutilate my body to be better change my quality of life. I am in so much pain I can’t commit suicide, I just exist like a corpse slowly going insane. How fair is that?

I am tired of being tired, having problems attach themselves on me. Maybe I should have just stayed on my antidepressant, then maybe you would have been none the wiser.

I am a self hating gay black man, who envies a straight life, who has to fight white people ideology from different walks of life across the board for what, to have no spaces left on earth to be happy, to be a part of a community I could do without, to still be that guy that no matter what, I see people better than me no matter what I accomplish and that tears me apart, to have so much anger that I don’t have room for much else.

That my pain is in my addiction, my medication, my skin color, and still I cower in pain and lament my existence, that I have to continue to hid and feel nothing but shame.

I would rather pay for sex then pay to be in a website where I have to reason with folks who don’t understand because they are not in my position, but I have to come to the ACCEPTANCE of things and people I can’t have.

Even after all of this I wish I could take it back, but I can’t and maybe one day you could forgive me for that hate and mean things I said to you. It would just be really disingenuous and I owe you more than that.

December 18, 2017

Yesterday I sent an email to what was my counselor at the time. He isn’t anymore because I told him I hated him, and that I wanted to hurt him.

The worst part of all of it, was not just that I said it, but that I actually felt relieved to say it. When I look back at it, it has a lot of cowardice to it, because I couldn’t say it to his face.

When you want someone to love you back and they can’t and I couldn’t, and I had never felt more trapped or emotionally raped in my life at that moment that the only thing left was to walk away. Take the blame like I knew I was going to have to.

I just feel taken aback because I just have this peace I didn’t have before. I should feel confused but I don’t, and I don’t want anymore counselor’s, people who can’t deliver on my level of expectations.

So I live with the fact that I can’t accept being a gay man and that I have to carry that burden, and that I threw a good man away because it was the right thing to do under all the wrong reasons.

I wish him nothing but happiness, but it was time to move on, and I over stayed my welcome in that department.

He doesn’t understand why I am mad or wanted to hurt him and that’s ok, he doesn’t have to, he isn’t trained in that way.

12/5/2017

I am back to that part of my medication where I am having problems sleeping, I stay up later than I want.

I hate those periods that I have to go through, they tend to be rough, well at least I am waiting but I have insurance now, medical at that while working as a temp.

Called Randy today, that was a mistake, he is still talking over me and expects me to do things for him, and that reminds me why I wanted him in Wisconsin, that was worth the pain and I don’t regret that.

I wish I had someone laying next to me, but the only thing next to me is my tablet. It’s a an alternative addiction but I still feel the grip of needing sex, from anyone I can get it from, I would want it from my counselor, but he will say no, or ignore my existence, and that hurts more, the fact he would just ignore me, like it’s a cool down period and then it will go away, I wish it were that easy.

Too small to succeed

Spiritually I always wanted to be great, I was younger and didn’t have the problems I have now, Life was somewhat simple, then I realized that I was never going to be the same and that I did not have confidence in myself, that I really felt less than and I stopped dreaming, stop wanting better because it was not going to get better. I just didn’t have any incentive to be something because I am not straight, it’s eluded me since I woke up to sexuality.

So yeah I have been a challenge, because any good I have done or could do, doesn’t mean much to me because I am not straight. It’s been a life long dream, and even though other people are happy with who they are and want to be, it’s not me. I wish it was, but it’s not, and I still have this massive disconnect in my life. It’s not whole and I don’t know how to fill it. I don’t know how to be happy because it just doesn’t fit my life, I feel like happiness is for straight people, a meaningful future is for straight people, so many things.

I have been so unhappy, in want of something better, I can’t take being near other people nowadays.

Sunday a day of rest

Hours after what I would call a break down, I realized that I have blessings, that I have things to look forward to and that and that my counselor has given me blessings all of the time and I have not realized it. I can be smart, I just often tend to be short sided.

He recently gave me a tool to better understand my sex addiction, it was humbling and accurate. I know I was embarrassed and ashamed because I read me to my core and I don’t think I was ready for that, but I bookmarked the info anyway.

I still have so much to work out, yet it is a reason to be thankful.

November untitled

Here goes, I spent $75 dollars on a mobile game i didn’t need to because I have been in depression deep and I could have just played my playstation, I could have spent that on my playstation plus account. I took a gamble and lost and that hurt.

Mostly I have just been in the dregs trying to figure out how to make my life feel better and it doesn’t. I want to commit suicide, almost everyday, and I never thought my life would be so out of control, but it is. I feel like I just don’t have control over my own life or feelings any more.

I want to have sex with my counselor so bad I cry at night, even though he is a type cast of men I never got to have an intimate relationship with because they were straight and, never available, and neither is he. It hurts anyway, always has after all of these years.

I often wonder why I have been always afraid to write down what I feel, I guess it’s because people get you to a point where you can’t trust them, you can’t trust what you say to them because I’m wrong move and it’s evidence against your entire state of being.

I have so many things stacked on me, my emotions, skin color, sexuality, beliefs, social status and I wonder if it ever gets better. I wonder if I can ever get to a true state of acceptance?

I just feel judged and judge myself because I don’t know how to cope with either choice I make, knowing full well that the pieces just won’t fit, no matter how hard I force them to, they just won’t.

So at times I feel that if I just die I can make the madness in my life go away. I don’t have to hide out, I don’t have to deal with hiv, sexual addiction, depression, loneliness, any of this garbage because I will just be dead and it will be the end of it.

Everyday feels like I am catching up from my childhood to my adulthood, that I am still just as stupid now as I was back then.

I want a better life and I know I don’t have it, even though I need it. I want my counselor to have sex with me even though I know he won’t dare, and it leaves me cold and empty and rejected inside, while everybody is moving ahead I am slowly dying inside, just dying.