9/27/2017

If I said I feel like a fool, then the answer would be yes. I know that I have not done the best that I should to stay away from sexual triggers. I am on YouTube watching gay romance webseries and I feel strongly drawn to those. It’s the concept of romance without me having to get involved with anyone and really that is cheating.

I know I am driving my counselor crazy, I come with a earthmover load of drama. Right now this all sounds like I am not being serious about being straight…I don’t know how to respond to that. The world is not built on single people. Yet I am navigating this space where the guy I want has his own plate of issues to deal with and I feel like I have barely addressed mine, Also I feel like I need to have sex, I need a body, sweat and a good hour.

Other times I just want like right now to write out everything I can like I am going to have writers block again and lose my way. I want more and have been lost in finding it. I don’t want to be lost but I also don’t want to feel so empty either. Things have to change and I can’t be scared to change what needs to be changed. It hurts like hell most days and my councilor is not on hand 24/7 so most of my issues just tend to stay bottled up.

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Hurt with consequences 

My therapist does not understand this yet, it’s ok, my spiritual life is all I have left and I have to make that work. There are no other options and I can’t get it into my head that they exist. It’s too painful to fall down, that’s what makes me want to hurt myself so much. The wiggle room does not exist, and frankly I don’t want it to, I try to stay out of people’s way, I am trying to turn into a person that could be a great husband some day, yet my niece and nephew think I hate them. I don’t I just don’t know how to manage kids, and when I look at my crap childhood I want them to have better because they should.

I am trying to get out of my own way and I have to sacrifice more than I have. It’s funny that I am a sex addict, and gay andnyet that same combination is killing me and now I am on the antidepressants to counterbalance that. Yet what my therapist does not see is that each time I fall, it buries me with a depression so thick so deep it’s hard to get out. 

I hate myself because this is a part of me and I desperately want to be better, all the way around. To have to burrow my feelings down as well. The absolute regret of all of the choices I have made over the past two years has brought me more pain than 10 years ago. It’s a hurt in my chest that feels bigger than myself at times. I am torn into places I shouldn’t be in and trying to live in the one space where my happiness exist in.

Trying hard not to be swallowed by a darkness I can’t fight alone.

Emotions, know better

I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels. 

It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.

I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away. 

I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?

Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.

What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.

6/10/2017

Learn from what I have been trying to tell you. Every time I get into that trench I fight a war, a war you don’t have to fight, yet through it I am learning endurance,  I don’t need people to agree with how I feel, I have been the one alone, I have been the one loosing, I have been the one who has to get back up and pick up my own emotions and duck for cover hiding in shame.

I told you before and I feel like you still don’t get it, I chose my Christianity for me, it doesn’t make me less gay at all. I know I am and I will make my piece with it. I am not a part of Christianity that is a cancer and plague to what it really stands for, and I will dash people to pieces who think they can continue to rub it in the mud with their blood money and satanic ideals. Maybe you didn’t hear me when I said gay men were trash and have continued to be so, they are not the ones picking me up, they are not there when I am depressed and down and need someone, they are just too vain to notice, they are just the people I fuck and apparently will be nothing more than that until I can just move on in piece from that. That is what the community has turned into and there are not enough people who can stop them and turn it around.

Understand and read my words clearly, I am who I need to be of my own choosing.

Having a seriously down day

I bought a game I don’t care to play even though I want to, but I am to depressed to care. I am back in Arizona and it feels like everything I got away from  just happened to be waiting for me like a family reunion with a welcome home banner.

With that said my hate come back, and the hurt with it. I hate people who are married because it’s not me and I don’t know what’s wrong with me or so vile that it’s not me, I hate the type of white gays who make the gay community unbearable to be associated with, their bullshit choice revolving around race. I hate myself some days for not being straight because I would have just had better options. I hate that it gets harder to wake up, that it gets harder to love myself or care just because I am alone and it has haunted me for such a long time and no one understands, I can’t just cope through it.

I have a sexual addiction that adds on to the stress in my life. I don’t feel Christian by a country mile and I want to. I am so angry I have never wanted to kill people more in my life for having things I want I need I crave…I fell like I can make someone happy, maybe I just ran out of time along time ago and I am on borrowed time.

I just…feel like I am back into that cycle of misery, and I just pray that at one point I will end. I have just been in the outside for so long it’s like being in the prison system and I don’t know how to adjust to life gay or straight, I just know and accept pain and dejection.

Text lastnight

Every time I quit someone, some one is there to fill that space, when you called for a ride I prayed that someone else would take you. 

I knew if I took you home I would seduce you.

I knew if I took you home I would kiss you.

I knew if I took you home I would touch you.

I knew if I took you home I would be inside of you.

It’s wrong you know, because your with someone else, it’s wrong you know, because I could take you there take me there. It’s wrong because you know it and I know it’s true. 

I can picture all of the things I would do to put you in the mood, you know my hunger is villainous, more than a touch dangerous.

When my hand would go on your thigh, around your wast and below that line. How one touch would make your skin flush, the warmth, the heat, oh now your hot.

You have a boyfriend and it wouldn’t have made a difference, you would have felt me deep because I would have planted the seed, you would have compromised because I would have told you I have had your boyfriend too. 

Thirty minutes to an hour later, things would have really changed, things would have been really different, you would leave and I would drive away, I would feel like trash, but I would have convinced you to cheat. So I am glad I prayed, so I could get away, cause no one deserves to be in those situations and it’s better to say no or make anything up to stay out of danger.

Lust is not like Love but it can be equally as dangerous, add an addiction and it’s like a natural disaster, you can get hit and hope your alive to tell the tale. 

Living my truth: Me and 33

33 has managed to do a lot to change the view of how I am developing into a better well rounded adult, along with my antidepressant, and seeking to have a better spiritual relationship with God. 

I have been tackling jobs, thinking better, gaining better organizational skills. I…am…growing, and it feels good, we grow at different points in our lives. I realize I just got to a place where it’s ok, I needed that, at some point people get to a place where they grow into themselves. It’s good to feel like I tingle and I am brimming with my own personal power, to just be high off your endorphins. 

How we grow can be a very important part as to how we mature into adulthood, just like DNA, people are very different and circumstances are always subject to change. It’s never a new me just a new look, that in itself is also ok. 

Love, endorphins, and positivity

When it’s no longer the people it’s the culture

There have been many instances where I have come for the gay community and it’s becoming more and more apparent that there needs to be a facelift and a complete overhaul at how we have looked at each other, and treated each other.

It seems that even I need that refinement myself. Sometimes after an encounter I would feel the need to complain about how the community treats its own people. 

Past that it has just seemed to grow, from Craigslist to Grindr there are people from various ages or walks of life complaining about the games, people flaking, people being rude, all of the nudes, and the conversations that go nowhere. 

Pride was this last weekend and I talked to a friend who opted out of pride, now I never got an answer, but I have seen that from the FB posts he had been tired of all the bull coming from the community. All the comments that would be said, and I was completely aware of all of these things. I don’t understand how the community went from being out and proud to being looks and shallow.

Now it’s having sex with DL dudes, married and partnered or open relationship guys and people won’t pull away from technology to go organic like they should do. People don’t go out for drinks or beers like they could, people just put the wrong emphasis on situations, you can go out and get to know someone and that’s ok. People should be doing this more, I don’t understand it, when folks want to have a safe meet up instead they are getting interviewed when if you wanted to interview someone go grab a drink and quit playing around, people are about not having their time wasted and that is 99% of the time. 

FYI for all of these guys that say no response is a response, it’s not, I don’t know if you work a lot, if your in the shower in transit, so don’t be a child be a man and just say sorry I am not interest, or block someone it’s just that simple. So without body shaming, stop having half naked profile pics and pretend it’s not all you are, who lied to you…If you can’t catch a convo or dates being dressed it says a lot, young people do this a lot and then turn around and end up being rude AF.

Nude pics stop sending your nude pics and not coming off with an address, I…don’t…need…to…see…your naked pics. Stop giving people a complex, stop pissing people off, stop thinking that your attention, your self worth is based on exposure, it’s not.

I get reminded every so often to keep my distance from the gay community, it tends to fuck you up further and further and you feel empty handed.

Past 30 and gay

Navigating these waters happen to be getting difficult, I really can’t seem to catch a break and everything has changed, so much has changed. The internet is not really the place to meet people anymore. Every one has an excuse, when folks don’t like a situation they bail out, and if people do that with sex then imagine trying to date someone. 

People barely talk as it is, I keep giving them the benefit of a doubt and the fail right on time. The good thing about my life now is that I am at an age where to much has happened to me and I don’t care, I will not be bothered with people and situations I have no power over. Those words are true for a reason. For me it’s not about the fact of what people are saying is true or not. I just don’t care and I refuse to be bothered by what people will or won’t do or how they represent themselves. It’s true it’s the people not the community at times.

Now going back to the community there is such a toxic element in it that is just making it really bad, the colorism and the ageism, are two big factors. It has not changed in fact it has gotten worse. Filtering out people based on color is NOT a preference, again NOT a preference. Hair color, eye color, height, age, body type, cut uncut are preferences. Even though I don’t like the ageism either, but when people will mess around with a willing married person I really have to question people’s thinking.

The community would be a whole lot better if it learned to communicate and stop playing games. The more I learn, the more I realize that talking to people face to face has so many benefits to it. Just knowing how people feel and knowing and feeling that there is no real expectation for sex unless it’s offered. So I have gone to this place called Flex I have enjoyed it because it’s an atmosphere that I can be myself and not feel judged, I know that not everyone will be attracted to me but I don’t care, it’s the organic nature of being in someone’s company that really helps, that takes a degree of the hurt away. 

We have become a community of hurt and not the community that was originally started out as. People filter their own existence away, people just don’t represent themselves with the pride they say they have and they have taken that away from so many other people as well. It’s looks not substance, not personality, but superficial aires. People treat themselves like plastic surgery cutting away flaws they don’t want for themselves or other people.

AGE

Most things found on these apps is that there is a cut off limit to atractivness and apparently it’s 30. Strangers in passing are still astounded that I look young for 33 I do I know I do and when I want to I can shave off my facial hair or my chest hair and let my youth shine through, but is that really being myself or is that playing to an advantage that helps me out? To be honest it’s an advantage, yet I hate that my attraction is limited to my age, it’s narrow and immature. Granted I also love how the community has a wide range of folks with various interests when it comes to men, still the focus should be on interests not all of these basic tropes, that people are lost on. It’s yes foolish and very childish, people have grown in to a deep hole of me first and screw everyone else. We miss experience and opportunities to learn about people and who they are and why this community is as a whole. People are comfortable and that is a very dangerous pedestal to be sitting on, it can lead to a equally dangerous fall. That’s why I don’t stay with these apps long because they kill me emotionally inside, and year after year it’s the same faces looking but not finding what they are looking for.

All of my sins

See, men, sex, wanting it, and myself, have been my problems, I was find before I crossed the line back into porn, it lead to a lot of problems, today I paid for sex, sex that didn’t happen because I was stupid enough to pay upfront and trust a total stranger who went out of his way to take my money, send me on a wild goose chase and ignore my calls. 

This situation is all my fault and I am out of money because of it, I failed myself and though so little of who I am that I needed to be that person. Not only did it hurt, and yes I did report him, but that’s not the point I was so arrogant and naive, trusting and greedy that I put myself in a situation where someone stole money from me that’s hard to come by.

It makes me really want to be alone and stay as far away from men even more, cause I have a problem and the problem is me, it always has been and I am so embarrassed because it really made me look at myself in a way that I really didn’t thing I needed to keep on living, it’s like how could I have been so seriously stupid and reckless. 

Life is less and less about fun and games and it turns into more heart break, let down, regret, and more anger. I had to keep myself from wishing harm upon that person, because I should have just left all of it alone and that’s my lesson and it’s my sin and it’s my fault.